'Could I trade my old shoes for new feet?'

KELVIN says:
you know i hate you
The morning is Cold but we Like it says:
im wearing something nice!
The morning is Cold but we Like it says:
what la
KELVIN says:
I ATE HALF A PACKET OF CARAMEL CORN TODAY
KELVIN says:
OMG LA YOU
The morning is Cold but we Like it says:
HAHAHAHAHAH HALF ONLY?! YOU'RE RETARDED! I GOBBLE THE ENTIRE PACKET! MY PAPA SAYS IT TASTES LIKE KEROPOK
The morning is Cold but we Like it says:
KEROPOK can NEVER compare to CARAMEL CORN
The morning is Cold but we Like it says:
you my caramel corn babe man kelsie wang 

I thank God for days like this.

Days when you have time for everybody, time for yourself and time to grin at the computer screen.

New shoes and new clothes tops it all off.

Being with a best friend even if we were drained of all our energy at the end of the day.

Seeing how God made a way because He knew I didn't want to give in to temptation.

Being home with Zakaria laughing at how I made my feet with new shoes on them talk to each other.

(I told him that if I were with him, his big toe could kiss my baby toe - mushy MUCH but I'm good at it!)

Eating caramel corn and receiving good comments and feedback about my influence on Kelsie (as of above).

The feeling of attending church tomorrow with a heart overflowing with praise for His good works, even through the bad and tough times.

The feeling of being able to breathe the same air as my Mummy and Papa are inhaling this very second.

Knowing I am a daughter of the Most High God.

Jesus, You make every second of my life - every trial, every suffering, every joyous moment - worth living.

I just hate going to Orchard Road in my school uniform.

I've started on my oil painting.

I figured that if I were to post it up, I might be instilled with a stronger sense of urgency to finish it!
I get lost in oil painting, I really do.
I've this O.C.D (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) of blending the paint in well and this takes about 15 minutes for one tiny part of the painting.
I'm so uncertain about my future; so Lord I need You to lead me, to guide my steps, to run this race passionately for You either through writing or Fine Art.

Monday is Be Yourself Day. I'm going to miss Mdm Teoh dearly. She's leaving us and never coming back):
Today was her last lesson with us and I realised she's really lovable. And comfy to hug!

I wonder if Nicole Tee put up the pictures on Facebook yet?:)


I love Tegan and Sara's old, old song "My Number".
Listen to it on Youtube.
They're the epitome of true blue Indie.
Oh. And Blue's my favourite colour.
I've been denying that fact for the entire time I've been alive since the start of the year.
I'm over the sun.
Peace and uncertainty never felt this good together.

 

No I didn't forget.

That's all your stuff on my wall.

I put it up yesterday. Saturday.

I didn't cry

I didn't show any emotion

But inside I felt this sore hole starting to form again.

I can't cover it up

Because everytime I pass by your Dad's restaurant

I ask myself if I did anything wrong.

I know I did, by giving up.

But we were both running away, weren't we?

So I ran first.

Because fear and pride was hot on my heels.

That song is Kelly Clarkson's Already Gone.

I put it on my MP3 just 2 days ago.

'Coincidental'?

I didn't pay attention to it but after reading your post,

I did.

No I didn't forget.

I wanted to ask where you were today.

But I kept quiet.

Pride was my best friend today.

Thank you for letting me go.

But now,

(Through tears and alot of pain

And sadness because I was just so, so misunderstood

But you would never try to see it through my eyes..

Still I love you too, enough, to push my barrier down and ask)

Could you let me back in?

By the way.

You spelt 'buried' wrong.

Paint

I went all out on my oil painting today.

It was so intense that I got irritated at anything that tried distracting me from the world I had been looking for the whole day.

A world that comprised of me and Art.

A world that I was seeking so desperately, it was probably the only thing I was living for besides God..

Today was the loneliest day in school, ever. 

So painting led me on to new roads, fueling the fire in my bones; like youth.

And I didn't grow old.

But the end came anyway.

I imagined myself living in an oil painting during the bus ride home.

That means everything painted inside had life, and it could move.

The scene would be what I was looking at currently outside the bus window.

The trees were blended with a million shades of green and everything was vibrant and beautifully coloured.

Then I imagined my face.

It would be of a few different shades of dark pink and light brown.

So I closed my eyes on the bus and imagined what my brain would look like.

It was hard to imagine that I would be painting it, because of how intricately designed the human brain really is.

Then I wondered, what if the food in the painting tastes like oil paint too?

But I disallowed that, I dismissed that thought, it was my perfect world.

Nothing shall taste like paint, but of the same sweetness as the food we put into our mouths.

The only difference is that, I'm locked in this world.

For once, I felt insecure today.

I felt weak.

I realised what an emotional wreck I really am.

And people in school can't handle that.

They call me mad. Mad.

Only two people can.

Kelvin and Nicole.

Today I learnt to keep my mouth shut.

That I shouldn't share so much with people about how I feel.

Because if I were to demand any reciprocation back, the person will have to know that what he/she is going to say is meaningful.

Not a simple "hmm" and there we go.

It broke me today, after I heard somebody say that to me.

I didn't cry but it took my entire world by storm.

Extrovert Learns To Be Introvert At Times.

Not having Angel or Charmaine or Joseph in my school S.U.C.K.S

Sad.

Only these three have my whole heart.

"Oh we live and we learn.."

So I picked up my bag and said "I don't really have friends in this school anyway" and walked out of class for Art.

But I forgot to add something.

"Because my only friend has been snatched away and she has lost the heart to come back."

Wanting someone back = Taking the initiative.

I can't keep hanging on. I've been pulling in your bloody rope to prove the words 'Rescue This Friendship' but all you do is stick with her.

Dinnertime.

 Presenting 10-year-old Zakaria

 "When I'm feeling weak,

And my pain walks down a one-way street,

I look above,

And I know I'll always be blessed with love."

C5 was what I got for Chinese O Levels.

Not proud of it, no.

I broke down in the hall and screamed when Nicole and a few other people were there.

I told her "I just don't understand why God told me to have FAITH and He gave me a DAMNED C5?!"

Vanida and I were so tired of crying that our heads hurt.

Hers is a different story, she did better than I did but it was a pity because of circumstances.

Got through the day. 

I laughed again, felt so much better all at once.

I came home and I thought about whether I should retake it.

And I asked God. "What has faith got to do with it."

So there it was. That orange book with a blue and white circle for a design.

I picked up my Bible and I flipped to James.

I didn't know I would find my answer there, the one I had been asking God for the entire day.

"Faith without deeds is dead." - James 2:24

Hit me like a sack.

God taught me something today.

Not to be lazy.

To put in effort so at the end of the day, I'm able to reap a bountiful harvest.
Faith = useless without action.

God gave me so many friends to be there for me today.

I didn't care if people looked at me with pity because my face was flushed, my eyes sore and my nose red like Rudolph's.

I only cared about what Jesus thought of me.

The best.

He made a way out for me.

My Dad and I discussed that retaking it would take too much time.

At least it's easier to clinch an A1 for Math than Chinese.

That's because Chinese is a language based subject and I honestly think that all I can get, even if I retake, is a B3.

So goodbye Chinese and hello Math and POA.

I'm satisfied. 

Because all the Chinese lessons I had didn't go down the drain.

"Huh? What the hell do you mean?! That cost you loads of money for tuition!!"

Yeah it did. But those lessons came with morals, with life lessons, with the appreciation of the simple things in life.

Like listening to Lao Shi through tears as she broke down the walls of my pride and told me where I had gone wrong in making a decision.

Like listening to Lao Shi tell me how actions speak louder than words, and that putting Christianity into practice was important.

She's Buddhist.

Like feeling like a daughter to her and feeling like she was another mother.

It was the entire heart of it. The lectures, the jokes..

That's why I'm proud of being Chinese.

And knowing in my heart, deep down in this lil heart of mine, that I love and appreciate the Chinese culture and language dearly.

That I didn't give up learning it and if I had more time, I would retake the exam.

I love you Zakaria.

Ela alabad.

We're gonna get married!

Seems silly lalala but we don't compromise.

We believe in one true love, I guess.

Zaki and Ling

Ana bahebak (L)

"You have turned my mourning into dancing,

You have turned my sorrow into joy."

"Blessed be the name of the Lord,

On the road marked with suffering,

Though there's pain in the offering,

Blessed be Your Name."

Minority.


trying
is
the gayest thing
to do
when your heart
is stuck on some shit
you can't get rid of
this shit is sticky and irritating
it won't come off
even if i've tried painting over this sore hole inside
with layers and layers of acrylic
progress has been good, it has turned to look like insignificant fissures and cracks
but suddenly its ripped apart again
words
i need words
to describe this
but i can't
and you'd rather not listen
because
i'm just a whole heap of misery
cry, cry, cry that's all i've ever did
heart over head, right?
but who cares
you never did try to make everything better
so you know what


you and me
shan't do anything about anything anymore.
leave it be.
because that's what you've always wanted.
to get up and go.
damn it
you do it so quickly
so my conclusion is
friendship is superficial to a small extent
because it doesn't get solved
pity,
to be part of the minority.

- just something i thought about :)
hope you guys like it

"Someday" 

And if you go

You'd be tearing away a part of me

The part that I once trusted

That I once adored and felt comfort in

Felt good about myself

Said "the way you love me makes me

Love .. me"

Please don't say I'm merely a 'friend'

You told me I was your life, your everything

And if you leave

Won't you feel the strain too

Or was it such a coincidence

Yes, coincidence,

That your words were empty yet

Sweet like honey and laid on thick?

Loved the way you loved my body

(Hard and toned to perfection

Protective of all your insecurities)

Loved the way I laughed

Loved the way I'd spin you around on playground swings

Spin spin spinnnn till you'd go dizzy and tired --

Just like your moods

They go up, wheeeeeee! and down

Here I am

On the next day

Thinking about the way we had our last goodbye

Goodbye was

Just to make sure my heart does not overflow

Does not bleed too much

Once you've torn open a side

You have to seal the other

Seal it up well

Because I can feel the pain leaking, leaking

But if I am to lose you

Darling

Don't let forever last

Don't let forever last

Because forever was once my favourite word

Now, with you leaving,

Don't let forever last

Don't let forever be a must.

9.39

- 
A friend has had a rough time
Felt his pain, felt it all
Hope he feels better and trusts in God 
Just like the way I always know he will :)

"Our only kiss was like an accident - a beautiful gasoline rainbow."

"Ah I hate reflecting."

"But you always do!"

"Hmm."

And Ryan Yang told me through those few words that .. I reflected often:)

It's something I don't want to lose, ever. It's the way God talks to me about my actions and feelings towards people or certain situations.

This week I was spiritually ill-disciplined.

Like abusing my own body and who God has initially made me to be - good.

Like letting my flesh take over my spirit.

Giving in, giving up.

Today Mummy brought me to Orchard Ion and we ate Sukiyaki Nabe and grilled salmon at Watami Japanese Restaurant!

(T'was a Mummy-take-me-out-then-come-home-and-study day)

You have to queue for a period of time to get in the restaurant but it's worth it.

It's cheap (extremely affordable, in other words) and the food is more than satisfying.

Then we drove to Mercedes Benz. Mom showed me the new Mercedes E-class.

My parents are gonna get it - I'm not bragging b'cos it's my parent's business but I really am excited, it's the same feeling as when you're getting a new dog:)

I looked at all the other E-class models which looked quite bleah-ish..

Then we took the lift up to the third floor and there it was.. the model coated with Palladium Silver, the one my parents chose- it literally made me go "woaaah!"

 

So after that we drove back home.

And having talks with my Mom is something I'll always appreciate, even if the conversation might turn sour suddenly.

Because she sees the more mature side of me.

It's something we both have, we can get angry but we're quite gentle in nature.

Reader: *coughs* *chokes* *splutters* 

Ling: AHEM! 

I mean having gentleness of the heart, although we are not thaaat slow to anger. 

We have internal conflicts raging inside us and all but the other side of us is.. wishing the best for each other, even though it comes across in a rude and ill-meaning way sometimes.

Like true love :)

It's quite general, like the way Atticus puts it, "Some people are real nice (Scout), when you finally see them."

Then Mummy said "you should really thank Auntie Le Ling and Auntie Mei Hwa", the one who talked to me about Jesus and the other as a family friend who attends the same church as I do respectively.

I thanked God immediately in the car because it was as if she saw a change in me.

I'm going to keep praying because He moves mountains, even with that little faith I have - He says it's enough.

I just wish my parents will wonder more about life and who You are, Lord.

Had an awesome time with Vanida, Lynette and Kelvin yesterday.

We cooked loads of food like mushroom soup, tomato penne pasta with herbs & tiny portobello mushrooms as the mix, scrambled eggs and a bowl of Vanida's Mummy's home-cooked red Thai curry. 

It was loads of fun, until the washing up part came.

Kelvin was on the loose.

He kept coming into the kitchen and I threatened to pull down his PE pants.

He wouldn't stop sniffing in my ear which sent a trillion chills down my spine.

I bit him and he strangled my hands sore in his sumo power grip.

We were hurling each other across the kitchen with 'hahaha-stop-it-lah-pushes' and when I wanted to free myself from his grasp, we started rotating in circles in a retarded, blinding motion that made me scared.

I was left on the floor exhausted of that Thing charging towards me and 'wringing' my hands as well as laughing like mad for two times.

Sounds like a sumo fight I KNOW RIGHT hahahaha

The three of them put on masks. And that Kelvin, as usual, was cleansing his oily pores and slapped cleanser onto my forehead while I was watching MTV.

Loved the part where we were all singing on the couch to It Ends Tonight by AAR on MTV.

AAR's lead singer is hawt stuff isn't he Nida? :)

"Mummy there'll be a time where God will ask you if you want Him or not everybody gets that chance."

And she said "Oh really?"

Yes really, b'cos I know He's not going to pass anyone by.

"Sense" 

Voice: 

Leaving takes one

It means to go or to dismiss oneself

Melody: 

No, but you can't blame me

Cos "I did not call,

Did not open my heart"

I was not informed,

It's not my fault

For not being there

When somebody passes away

Or misses my presence

Because all that I took with me

Was sense

Blunt, blatant sense

Sense that you could not retain

The lack of sense that drove you insane

That drove you to ostracize me forever

Ever

Sense that was so dear to me

But it left you hanging

Regret calls but I do not run up to greet it

Regret calls, sings to me, but I do not

Run up to greet it

No, don't get me wrong

Because I'm not afraid of breaking

Just afraid of me not being able to let you see

See the 'you' you were afraid of

Not leave for the world to feast on,

No, no no

Never had that intention

But if you hate me

I could appear to you as 'all insistent'

Non-existent

But without evil intention

So leaving

Was all I did

All I could do

Giving up

Giving (you) up.. oh you.

So please don't blame me

Cos "I did not call,

Did not open my heart"

But you never wanted to inform

Me

It isn't my fault.

For leavin'.


So whatever they say
To make me stay or go
Makes no differences anymore
No more

Voice: Still, I never liked leavin'.

If that's what you thought I loved doing.

A song without a tune for the moment, very dry

by me:)

Took back the song dedication.

So not worth it.

For everything that you've said and the words that you've used to label me.

Mmm I'm shrugging it off, pushing that aside and I'm going to focus on what a friend told me to do.

I don't believe in luck, so I just have to live through this by prayer.

My motha was talking on the phone while I was slurping up my noodles and I heard her say "Do you want Pandora's number?"

So I started thinking and smiling at my fishballs floating in my soup bowl.

If I name my girl 'Pandora'

Her nicknames will be:

1. Pan-ny = Penny

2. Dora the Explorer

3. Dodo

4. Frying Pan

And finally, (the most OK one) 5. Rah

I want boots. Black boots with straps or buckles or laces.

Not Wellington boots.

The ones Melina's sis has!

My motha has been screaming "COME AND EAT LA PAPA" to my father for 3 times in a very annoying tone.

Therefore, I am annoyed.

I photocopied stuff last night using the printer my brotha bought for me.

Very cool.

I wrote out a study plan today in the library after school.

Kelsie (Kelvin) says I never did follow it and I never will.

POOF YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THAT BACK, CHUMP!

So ah, The Diet Plan. THE DIET PLAN. It makes me feel ... gay.

I swore today. Loads of times.

I feel bad. Why must I express my anger in such a barbaric manner!

Barbaric

Barbie-ric

Hahahahaha

Natalie will be in Singapore next week and she's gonna tell me all about studying in England! Guess what...
She's a CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY accepted candidate!

I'M GONNA GET THE INSIDE SCOOP
And ah the expenses for boarding school is going to be woaaaah
Now the problem is. Co-ed or.. girls forever? (ew what if they're les) ohhh whateverrrr :)

Thought of a new song in the shower today. (I'm lazy to type out the lyrics, as always)

Water on sticky, tired skin feels gooooood.

I love Nicole and Nida and Mandy's facial expressions are funny.

I'm going to continue painting after eating my dinner.

Toodles noodles!

I LOVE EVERY SINGLE PIXAR MOVIE

THEY'RE THE BEST IN THE WHOLE WORLD

Watched 'Up' with my classmates yesterday fun fun funny fun fun haha fun pure fun

Then I reached home around nine-ish and watched Ratatouille on Disney Channel

The best part of the day (seriously) was watching Snow Patrol on MTV World Stage LIVE in Dublin, Ireland

I almost cried while watching it

Imagine millions of fans singing your song, truly loving your music

B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L I tell you, beautiful.

Church was pretty good even though Char wasn't there.

Worship was really nice.

You know, there are so many things about God that I realised about and yet.. I never did put them into action or did try to claim His promises at all.

I suck): 

Oh well I tried reading some Literature at church but I just ended up talking.

Char told me to forgive. Ew. It's so freaking hard to forgive but OKAY CHAR I'LL FORGIVE.

I just hope I'm not making the wrong decision. Then again, forgiving = 'you're never making the wrong decision by letting go' (model answer what)

So I came home, blasted Paramore from my speakers (I personally believe my neighbour was laughing throughout HAHAHA BUT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT) and started singing like some mad nut.

And now I'm here talking to Char on MSN and painting a blonde haired girl with a purple feather and blue scales in her hair :)

Ohhhh HAPPY NATIONAL DAY GUYS

Singapore has come a long way and it's so awesome how God has been keeping us all together.

Yeah yeah Lee Kuan Yew rocks but God rocks more okay.

He showed us how He's kept Israel away from harm (loads of harm actually) and it's no wonder that He's able to bless Singapore so abundantly too. Beat that.

"Everything we've built up may come and go like the wind but Lord You remain and we pray that for everything that we have, hearts will be turned to You alone" (or somewhere along those lines)

It impacted me today during church. 

Yesterday (the day we watched Up):

Yami Yoghurt has a special offer! Just say I LUV SINGAPORE and you get free toppings on your yoghurt!

I got FREE mini cut papaya and the next time round, Nida and I decided to share so we got FREE fruiy pebbles.

OH LOOK AT BURGERMAN

Look at that 2nd picture among the 3 pictures I put up!

I think it's be categorized under 'chips' kinda snack. 

It's very very tasty. Very chippy. Yum yum.

Well Jia and her family are coming over to pick me up and we'll be going to Lie Ken's house to watch the NDP on TV but I'm seriously more excited for Singapore Idol.
Oh and I'm gonna be home before 11 PM because I'm gonna catch tonight's World Stage at 11 PM on MTV.

Boys Like Girls, Pixie Lott, Kasabian~ wooohoooo

But nothing beats patrolling in snow. 

I miss you Zakaria

Psst I watched JONAS on Disney Channel.
I'm not a big fan of those boys but they're freaking funny.

Luv xx

Cavalierly

{ I'd love you guys to read Adriel's comment on my very first post labelled "I love Ballet". You guys could tag my posts as well, under Comments. }

Yellow bougainvillea are in bloom.

It 's a pretty sight.

I envy my neighbour's room; it faces the garden in our basement.

Funny how I use the word 'our'.

My parents are in Hong Kong.

I miss the way Pa uses the word 'our'.

Home doesn't feel like home without them.

The house is quiet and I get jumpy the moment I hear noises.

But I like this house. It's the only one I've got and the only one I'll always prefer.

I remember a writing tip that everyone probably knows by now :)

It's waking up in the wee hours of the morning to start writing.

Imagine writing when the entire house is quiet, with a mug of hot coffee and the occasional rumbling of a car passing by on the road.

Imagine listening to the rhythm of sighing and funny bouts of sleeptalk your family makes, every breast rising and falling at its own relaxed pace. 

That's when all the magic & glittery pixie dust swirls around with gentle tinkling sounds and like Cornelia Funke, Dustfinger just steps into the room and makes his presence known with his firebreathing!

That's called SKILLZ.

Imagine England.

In your very own two storey house.

With white furnishing and cold, wooden flooring.

And your cheeky Persian cat pads across the carpet and snuggles up to your feet.

It is late fall and early Winter.

*sighhhh*

I'm overjoyed. 

Eg: OVER-DA-MOON-AND-SUN-AND-STARS-JOYED.

Pa has told me to 'consider London' on the phone yesterday. *hops-screams-squeals!*

My brother Will is there with his bride-to-be, Karen and my dad will feel entirely OK and supportive of me being there.

A relative of ours, Natalie, whom I met just this year suggested London (because she graduated from there and now I'm going to check out her Facebook pictures).

Last time I visited her profile, she had a fabulous display picture of herself and her other friends in British schoolgirl uniforms.

I dig that, yes I do.

And she's in Hong Kong with my parents and her family as well!

Hmm but yknow even if I do make it there, I'm gonna bring heaps of Chinese books there to read.

I'm SERIOUS.

I love Chinese and I never wanna forget how to write my Chinese name if I'm ever asked to!

Then again, Lord, everything is in Your hands.

Everything, everything, everything.

I love You, Lord, even if I haven't been good. 

I haven't been good, You know that.

But I don't feel bad about it. Of course, to a certain Xtent, I do.

But I don't now, because You're telling me to try again.

Just that.. I can't keep trying and keep walking those bridges of sin without having the determination to burn them to the ground

Because "The day of the Lord comes like a thief in the night."

I want to be prepared for You, to be righteous and to tell You that:

"Lord, I haven't tried my best.

I did my best."

This year there has been alot of pride to put down
Alot of changing to do
Alot of storms that God has calmed for me
And people whom He has put in my life..
All of them deserve a turn
Even the ones you haven't given me that turn.
A turn that requires me to listen to them and try to change for the better
So everyone tightens me
I'm like some loose screw
But they're tightening, tightening
Hurts at first, because it feels as if you're buckling under pressure
But in the end
I play tunes from the music box even longer than before.

Then I realise the way I treated friends who were hard to love.
They didn't change, haven't changed.
I loved them first.
And now I just have to keep forgiving, keep controlling my negative emotions.
I'd go home and cry it out.
And God helps me to love those people more, because He honours these struggles.
So to the ones who say I gotta change.
I'm having it my way.
If you say this is pride, ah... Too bad.

"what. you hate it because it's the Truth?!"

School was bleah. 

The toilet/tissue paper incident was really OMG and HAHAHA-ish.

Lynette was laughing at me about it. (oh well)

I realised that I need highly reactive babes around me.

Cos.. ya know.. they're sources of comfort.

*Awwww*

Learning Lab was as awesome as usual.

Because Miss Ligaya Ong is the best teacher in the world!!!

She knows how we work, every single one of us.

She knows how I work - she tells me she can't follow my train of thoughts when I'm doing comprehension :P

She knows I'm kinda off tangent and I think too much.

And that I'm artsy and I'm a frequent worksheet doodler.

Well, at least she knows me in a personal way :)

I love Freedom Writers.

No wonder my kor cried after watching it.hahahahaaaa

Realised that's how Esther treats me.

The way she's telling me, the way Hilary Swank told Andre.

"I'm not giving up on you and I'm not letting you fail because I see you, you. And what you can become. So change your evaluation score from an F. No trippin'!"

Mm.

So the world asks

"Why the hell are you overreacting like that?"

It means you're stupid to let your emotions rule over your head.

Ah yes sweet thang it is stupid.

But what if it's .. uncontrollable:)

What if you never had any intention to allow your feelings to take control of your actions at all?

What if.. being emotional is only plain me.

I don't know about you but I'm just trying hard to change.

I gotta tweak and not think about what my heart feels, ya know?

blah.

Spartan purity

YOU'RE GOING DOWN EVEEL SUBJECTS OF THE GCE 'ORDINARY' LEVEL
B'COS I'M EXTRAORDINARY
AND YOU GUYS ARE JUST A BUNCH OF WORDS AND NUMBERS ON PAPER

(which might kill)

*gulp*

Jesus
All I wanna do is call out Your name
Hold it close to my heart and
When I shiver and sob in bed
Your name shall be on my lips
It's a whisper to the world, in the dark
But You know how loud this cry is to You
You know it, Lord, You know it.

It's so hard to just give You my heart
Maybe it's only human to do so

Lord
Tongues of acid have been lashing out at me behind my back
God will You let my friends remember?
Remember that I have been there at their lowest points or
When people were screaming insults into their faces
Been there to ask how I can be one of the many friends who help to mend them
Will you let them not say hurtful things behind my back
All because of the fact that they have no knowledge of my personality whatsoever
Because knowing me takes way longer than a year and a half
Thus letting them ASSUME I treat my rage and tempers like they are treasures that I keep close everytime a situation turns sour
And because they are unaccepting that I am temperamental
They think I am overreacting, being dramatic, entertaining unnecessary emotions - as if I'd like it to be that way
Will You please please please give me friends that I have a desire for keeping and not discarding
Friends that are worthy, even, to be friends who will never sow discord behind my back
Friends that I know I can trust

Lord I don't need friends who are saints
I just need friends who will not hurt me on purpose

God I thank You for giving me friends like Nicole, Mel and Diane
Nicole you've been the best listener there has ever been
You don't just listen but you're always there to hold me when I'm on the verge of breaking down
Just seeing you makes my tears flow because I know it's in you that I can find comfort
It's you that I can trust and if I ever break down
You won't ever think it's unnecessary because you make it so clear to me that
Everyone has problems and it's just so damn freaking OKAY to cry
You've lit a million - no - GAZILLION stormy days for me in school
The way you told me stuff today
It just opened my heart to forgive, to ignore whatever might be stirring up inside me
As well as Mandy and Nicole Tee
Nicole I'm not ashamed to have cried during the Aesthetics Night rehearsal or last Monday when I said I missed you
You're a very very dear friend to me and I don't regret pouring out any corner of my heart to you
Even the darkest corners, no I'm not afraid of that.

Mel and Diane
You guys have seen through me
Diane you let me know how Jesus sees through my defenses
Whether it's feeling insecure about my body or whether I'm fighting so hard to prove my worth
Thank you because you TELL ME and when you said "Liling I want to talk to you" I can't be thankful enough that you told me all that God wanted me to hear
I'm so freaking serious
Yesterday when you told me about the decision about going overseas
"Maybe God wants you to go to poly, or somewhere you really don't want to go because you have the ability to be there for people, for the broken hearted"
And you told me about the gifts I have (I obviously won't state it down haha) and the best thing is
You told me about my weakness
About me being temperamental and you know it's no good for me
And here is where Mel comes in
You guys, you tell me what lifts me up and what breaks me
You guys tell it to me because you love me, because you know it's what I have to overcome
Mel it was so so heartwarming that you let me know that this kind of breaking down and controlling of emotions takes YEARS to perfect
Mel, Diane, you guys have such awesome understanding
I don't know how you do it but I do know it's God-given and blessed.
Because I am blessed by the both of you.

I don't forget people who have asked if I'm okay
Or who have been gracious to talk situations out
Situations that have either gone a teeny off the path of empathy or that have gone terribly wrong
Like Nida like Kel like Char like Joseph
All of you mean so much to me

And I really appreciate all the advice and kudos to everyone who said
Friends who talk behind your back are not worth my time,
They're not worth me caring about.
God thank you thank you for being my Provision
For providing me with those 2 different ties that I needed for both the morning and afternoon assemblies
Kel says he thinks I should thank Sheren
But really Lord I thank You because it's faith
Faith, believing in something that one cannot see
And that You gave me grace in that dilemma
I thank You, I choose to thank YOU because I've tasted before I've seen
I've tasted before I've seen.

It's been a tiring, saddening, but rewarding day.

Ling: "Like karma."
Mel: "Yeah it'll come around. It always does."