Friday, March 26, 2010



There's a pretty lil devil lurking in the living room:)
Liquid diabetes
O.O x2

Beauty Queen

Maybe we're all starting to realise that Hurt has its benefits, that Trust is a joke, that Secrets protect us and that Laughter can be used as cover-up.

Dear God,
For all the mean things I've said this year, for all the many mistakes and temptations I have given into, I know that You're still giving me chance after chance to change.
Joseph once told me that You give us chances without numerical limits because that's how much You love us and that's how long You're willing to wait for us to change.
I've taken Your love for granted for so long but You're always willing to take me back.
Lord if life were a bar of chocolate, You'd be the cocoa:)
You're the cheese in my macaroni, You're the L in my name (L = Love).
I love You God and if naive is what people are describing me as because I believe in something I cannot see, then naive I shall be.
If all of You is too abstract for me to believe in, then hell, I must be destined to appreciate Your existence and works like a massive, wonderful, infinite piece of art:)
"Grace is when I do get when I don't deserve.
Mercy is when I don't get what I do deserve."

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Because you said that we'll make it through... not.

I obviously grabbed these photos from their site.
"We settled our own shows, sold our own merchandise, played body guard and stage manager for each other. It was hard work but we were willing to do it because we loved making music so much. We’d chosen a path of independence. Opted to sign with an indie label to keep control of our project and to retain some ownership over ourselves and our music. This meant we had a lot of control, but often times, it meant things took longer and took more work."

-Tegan ( )

Sometimes I wish I had a band and that we could go on tour and escape from all the crap here.
The anger management you get overseas is different.
You go for a really long walk along cosy, dimly lit streets with a hotdog stand somewhere near.
And you just walk and you get to cry and people won't stare at you like the people here do.
I remember once I was mad at my Mom in Australia, and I went for a really long walk around the hotel grounds and it was so cold but it felt shitass good.
I don't know how to explain it.
I was like a warm fat globule in my winter jacket, because I was so, so angry.

"Thank you that whatever painful reality I must face, You will face it with me." 

Last night I had a massive mood swing moment.
I was in my bedroom doing QT and this sentence made me see how much I've been neglecting my walk with God.
And I started to feel a great sense of relief and release and I broke down.

I silently unleashed hell as I walked off into the night to the Esso station and back again with a Magnum icecream and a Reader's Digest issue.
I thought about loads of stuff.
I thought about how I've focused on friends for the entire week, yet only to be left disappointed.
I thought about how I've wrongly accused a friend of something she didn't intend to do, because I didn't want the blame to be on me.
Thought about how freaking selfish I was.
About how I can call myself a Christian if I treat people like that.
About how God could love people like us.
About what you might have said or thought about me and how you're not really who you say you are.
And also the question that has been haunting me ever since last year: "why am I always the one stirring up drama." It's not as if I'm Lauren Conrad or Heidi Montague who acts in The Hills or something.
I hate the way I handle my emotions and I'm really, really, really sorry if I've hurt anyone along the way.

But then sometimes I let people walk all over my defenses, and I'll willingly take the blame even if it wasn't my fault to begin with.
Don't tell me "oh that's because you wanna act noble".
You wouldn't feel like a hero after you've swallowed down all the shit they claim you've done when they were the ones who stirred shit up first.
Then you'll know how much pain it causes me.
Then you'll learn to shut up.

The very nature of love itself is that it's self-sacrificial.
Then hell, I'll learn to put down my pride for the benefit of you being able to face the world, I'll learn to sacrifice my rights and yes, I'll learn to carry my own cross and I WILL learn to l.o.v.e.
I will learn to be faithful to my friends, I will learn to guard my heart.
"Nobody likes to but I'd really like to cry,
Nobody likes me, maybe, if I cry."
- The Con by Tegan and Sara
You can leave me out, boycott me.If I care then it shall be my downfall.
I feel like there's a hurricane of conspiracy coming my way.

If you have read till here, you're pretty cool.

Anyway, on a very anti-climax/light note: BGN's coming up, I'm gonna get balloooooons and try to make lasagna:)

Sunday, March 14, 2010


Worship turned out to be.. good!
It's way easier being a backup vocalist than to be the worship leader, because right then, I could focus entirely on God as I sang without the distraction of giving hand signals:)
Today the band consisted of myself, Jeremy, Abbie and Justin.
We only had two singers, Justin on the acoustic guitar and Abbie on the keyboards - yet simple as the band was, the feedback we got was that the session was Spirit led.
Woah!!! I'm really, reaaaally proud that God had given me such an opportunity to step to serve, even with a sorethroat:)
Anyway today I don't see myself as a sinner anymore, undeserving of His love, but as a princess *glitter glitter* who is so, so precious in His sight and guess what - we're all made in His image and the Lord says in His word that He is enthralled by our beauty:)

So for the week ahead, I want to commit myself to achieving a goal which is.. to behave.
Behaving = holding back my tongue = no vulgarities.
I wanna live up to the best of my potential and I know I'm so much more than a heap of vulgar expression.
So now I owe my friend Charles five bucks because I uttered 5 f words while jamming on Friday evening.
Woah that costs me a pair of Cotton On slippers.
grrrr but okay, no pain no gain right?!
Oh and Charles I'd rather pay you 5 bucks than pay to get 2 packets of chicken rice and putting on an extra 500 grams of weight.

Random fact #1: Everyone at church was like O.O and they did a horizontal line across their foreheads and gave me a quizzical look.
"I cut it myself!"
So comments/looks that people have given me about my newly, not-on-purpose cut bangs are:
"Ling you look like a watermelon!"
"Ling you look cool!"
"Liling you look like DORA THE EXPLORAAAAAHHH"
"Yeah its very vintage!" - Cara/ Char
"O.O ?!"
"You look fresh!"
"Actually this haircut makes you look very nice! Very cute Ling!" - Mum/ Vanida/ Lynette
*nod nod* - Szeming

After 10.30 worship, we walked to J-low's house. We obviously went in.
J-low's room smells just like my brother's room upstairs, it has this old 5-year-old smell and I TOTALLY DIG IT.
J-low has the same tacky curtains that I had last time, the same type of windows I have at home, the same 1993-2000 bedsheet (except that his is blue and mine is red and Aaron's one is green) and the same kitchen dustbin except that his is white and mine is pink.

Random fact #2: today I feel so loved + appreciated because Cara answered a Truth or Dare question on her Itouch.
"Name one good and bad point about every person in the room."
"Liling is weird and cool!"
Weird's not that bad... but YOU SAID I'M COOL:)
And I replied "what! how am I cool! I cool meh?"
And you said "yeaaahhh you are!!!"
Yeah babe you melt ma heart you melt it str8 down to da grounddd
Cara Chiang you've seen how dramatic I can get, you have seen me unleash my wrath but IF YOU CAN TELL ME I'M COOL, YOU MUST REALLY LOVE ME because you see that part of me and you point it out - and it's a description that no one has ever told me before:)

After visiting our beloved J-low, we watched Dear John at Plaza Sing-along.
Ok but anyway Dear John was SO GOOD, I don't care if the ending was crappy because if a movie has a beautiful beach, jeans, guitars, surfing, kissing and crying - I'M GOOD TO GO.
The three of us cried very silently. I think a drop went into my potato and leek soup :O
On the bus home this really cute guy was sleeping next to me but the point is he almost put my head on my shoulder AND NOBODY GETS TO PUT THEIR HEAD ON MY SHOULDER UNLESS THEY'RE REALLY CLOSE TO ME and I felt weird so I moved away and gravity pulled his head down and he jerked up.
It was super awkward okay.

Pizza at Pepperoni's with Jia+Yun tonight!
And there's a one-week break for JC students.
Does this rock or what!!!!!!!! (no you're not allowed to choose what)

L is for L-o-v-e
x, Ling

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Don't let me go

in the morning
when i got in bed
i started thinking
of how heartbreaks have made me who i am today
of how they've caused me to never trust anyone else again
and that behind the way i laugh, the way i joke
behind this strength i present to you
behind this barrier and wall i've put up
there's so much pain.
so much torment.
even if it's not happening to me sometimes
but to other people, like my friends/ my family
i still feel the hurt they feel, and i'm disappointed all over again

i guess this gift of empathy comes with a price
that you cry very softly before you sleep
for the world / things that happen / shit that happens
you think i'm crazy, dramatic and overrated
mind you, sweet thing, you wouldn't call this dramatic if it happened to you

Gerard, a drama trainer from Les Thespians Drama once asked us
"how many of you have cried very softly in bed before?"
and everyone raised their hands

as we grow
we watch the world
we watch it and we start to cry
because it just hurts so bad to watch it crumble

please don't tell me you'll do something
don't even be filled with zeal and eager endeavour
then in turn, fail to live up to what you said and leave me feeling like you've cut a hole in my chest
do you know what it feels like?
it's like you're telling me to take your hand
so that i can walk with you into a new phase in life
then you turn your back on me and start running like lightning
like lightning.
and everything is blurry before my eyes
because hot tears start spilling down and you leave me back here to die.

someone once told me i have the gift of faith
that i trust Jesus with all my heart
that i'd give Him all my pain without hesitating
suddenly i remember
suddenly i remember i've forgotten
about the many times i surrendered and He made it well again
Lord guard my heart, be like Atticus to me,
protect me like the way he protected Scout from the world
yet letting her grow into someone like him, an all-rounded, well-meaning individual
- i wanna be like You.
i want to love selflessly, i want to give give give the way You gave
i want to look my husband in the eye at the altar and know that he has been set aside for me
so i give You all my focus, knowing that joy is when i need no one else but Jesus.
but will You just be there for me every time the temptation is strong?
Lord if i am to fall, may i never fall away from You.

so the rain came
and the music faded away
and your face disappeared
and sleep turned out fine
:) i guess i can smile now :) :)

"You have turned my mourning into dancing, You have turned my sorrow into joy"
when the morning comes, all is well again<3

Just be yourself (L)

"Everything will be made beautiful in His time."

Sure enough everything was made perfect during those 3 hours with Nida:)
I just realised so many things when I was with her tonight.
And that's so precious to me:)

Now Zhao fu is getting his calories counted on Oovoo.
I can't think.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

PARAMORE /(everyone leaves weeds for roses) shawn you genius



Hayley:) :) :)

But darling,

You are the only exception ~<3
Cheetah pants:P


Pictures from Ade's camera. I couldn't be bothered to bring mine.
Daren and I helped to pull out a girl who couldn't breathe.
I shouted 'help' a million times and sounded like a chihuahua yelping in the crowd (wtf).
The security guard at the front was so blind that I pointed the middle finger and - you got it, he didn't catch that.
But everyone loved it; Paramore is the best band live ever. 
Here's Daren's flickr photos:
So during the concert I had to remind myself not to be selfish.
When I was pulling that girl towards the front, I felt entirely helpless but I just kept on shouting even if I couldn't be heard.
And I'm glad I did that.
Not to brag or to gain credit that I did what I did, but I guess this would be how I'd react if I was in some massive disaster.
And I'm really, really happy I did that upon natural instinct.
So anyway my old+new friends are helping me forget about some gay guy.
At least they occupy my mind from 12 till 4 in the morn on Skype/Oovoo.
There's like a mind monster in my head, it keeps exercising ways to torture me:(
But I'm not at my most comfortable state around them yet, not like me around Lawrence or Cara or Belle or Char or Joseph.
Guess that's how you five beat other people to the top.
Because you guys care loads about how I feel. Like LOADS.
Because you guys know I get tiny bouts of insecurity and rage now and then and you guys just... get me.
Because you guys just know it's a Liling thing to have 3 to 4 crushes at a time:) hahahaha:)
And definitely.. because besides the fun, there's also a very silent sadness in all of us.
We'd be holding each other during a war man, during a fucking war.
Self-sacrificial love, that's what we have.

I hate the fact that I'm so self-conscious.
Sometimes I think I'm really irritating and I'm really sorry I keep voicing out what I think and giving people the "oh-do-you-want-me-to-tell-you-this-so-that-you-feel-better-about-yourself-bitch" idea.
I hate the fact that I'm not perfect. Physically and emotionally.
Don't we all?
Insecurity 101. Join the club.

I hate it when boys tell me that I'm pretty and shit all because I lost weight.
Why didn't you notice me before then?
It hurts and I'm afraid to grow up because suddenly this world's become so shallow.
My eyes that reflect light so brilliantly will always be the way they are now till forever; they'll always have the ability to look straight at you to see if you're true and leave your soul and intentions bare for yourself to choke upon.
Top it up with sweet nothings.
It just amounts up to.. fuck - nothing.

So if you see me and speak to me and EVENTUALLY think I'm different and totally not what you expected me to be, then I'm sorry to disappoint:)
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you SURE AS HELL DON'T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST."
— Marilyn Monroe
I can't express myself very well. Only through my art and songs and writing. So you shouldn't judge me like that.
It's just gay and unfair... yknow?

professional siollll
ps: ive been so vulgar i should stop this is disgusting pointing middle fingers and whatnot

Monday, March 8, 2010


There's just so much to think about.
Like perfection.

Mummy was sending me to SP and I realised something in the car.
(See, long drives can stimulate the philosophical mind)
It takes so much of a person to look perfect for someone else.
And I can't even achieve 'perfect'.
It takes so, so much of me to live for someone else.
Then I think of the words "to live for someone else".
Where's the part where I live for God.
So I'm home now.
Sadness and reverent awe came hand in hand.
It's just a bittersweet feeling y'know?
Like feeling happy and miserable at the same time?
Reverent awe was because I realised that God's the only one who will never ever break my heart.
He even mends my broken heart.
He even tells His angels to guard it.
He even holds me when I've been such a vulgar person- He looks past my imperfections and sees the person inside.
He knows my needs and He provides.

At this point I'm afraid of trusting and taking risks.
I'm afraid of the line "don't ever let someone teach you how to love."
I do need someone to teach me how to love.
Because I charge straight ahead - and then I fall off track and it hurts like nuts.
Once again I'll say:
It takes so, so much of me to live for someone else.
So now I remember that I live for God. Alone.
I don't need to be in a relationship to tell myself I won't ever trust anyone else again.
It's already happening.


Ng says:
 dont lose hope
 i mean like he cant be the absolute last guy
Brieee - -- - (L){ black•metal•love }(L) - -- says:
 yeah he isn't
Ng says:
 then what youre gonna close your self off all guys and turn into an old woman who has dozens of cats


Friday, March 5, 2010


Fall in love with me
Because my eyes shine as bright
As burning stars in the firmament
Overhead while you sleep and shiver at night

Fall in love with me
Because my diction is superb
Think cherries, honey and sin
Think desire, lust and adrenaline

I have no cure
For your sorely charged heart
But you can stay if you'd like,
Stay in the dark

Where there is no truth;
None of it shall set you free
I am a cheat, a liar,
A conman of the highest integrity

(Love at its purest
Love at its purest)
It is hurt, it is sacrifice
Bundled up and sealed tight
Sent to me with kisses and bruises
Sent to me to toy with for the night

But I have no cure
For your sorely charged heart
But you can stay if you'd like,
Stay here, in the

- 5.08 PM

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Meeting new friends with Nida and Nettie (R,V, R,V) makes life sooo much more fun!
Zhao Fu my tofu friend who is suuuuper smiley and nice and bubbly:)
Joven who's suuuper easy to talk to:)
Charles who's suuuuper loser:)
And Gary who's got suuuuper loads of sense of shame man! PRESIDENTE!!!

I am now eating my proteins.
Then I'm gonna watch Alice In Wonderland with Angel and co.!!!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Kat Von D: "The future is big, bad and beautiful"

It's just so hard confining the rebel within me; she's just dying to get out and have fun.
And when I say the word "dying", I'm telling you guys how it really does restrict me in a way that makes me want to literally cry and throw a tantrum.
Then I think about 'fun'.
The fun I'd have is saving enough money, checking when the polytechnic vacation is, flying to L.A. and getting tattooed by the one and only Kat Von D.
I'd be thrilled. No. Wait. I'd be THRILLED.
I wanna get tattooed because it's a form of self-expression.
I'm all about: Rebellion (with a capital 'R') + sensuality + rock'n'roll culture + Art in every form.
I want to feel special. I want to be labelled as .. punk.
Suddenly I realise I've forgotten who I should always, always look to whenever I feel 'less special' than others.
Especially when I feel like I can only do this much in my life; I'm comparing my lifestyle to those in the American tattoo world.
I've forgotten about God. He who loves me so much and He who owns my body.
.... And He who says that we shall not cut our flesh or put any tattoos on our bodies
Lev 19:28 says: You shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor tattoo any marks on you: I am the LORD.
Honestly, just reading those words is heart wrenching for me.
But being a Christian is about making choices.
Choices that are tough, that the flesh wants so much but above all, we should give priority to the spirit.
It's all about Behaviour 101. (sorry I've been vulgar okay)
It's about finding my identity in Christ and not the things of the world.
Now I realise how tough it was for Brad to give up metal music.
Metal kinda comes hand in hand with tattooing, by the way.
It's all dark and creative and... rebellious. (yeah that's the link)
We love what we love so,so much that it hurts when we gotta give it up.
Especially when it's something God says no about.
And even if we DO go ahead with it, there are consequences to bear.
I want to be used mightily by God, I don't want a tattoo to hinder anything that God has planned out for me:)
(Even if He will catch us when we fall, I just want everything to be super smooth for His plan.)

 Most of the time, "you are what you love" is something that has twisted my mind into believing that if I love something, I'm this way.
"If I love sex, I'm sexual."
"If I love art, I'm artsy, I can't do Math." - YEAH RIGHT, I PASSED MATH OKAY.
I don't want to be labelled by the world's standards. I want to be labelled as someone after "God's own heart". As a "nice friend". As a "good person".
That's way more worth it than being called Punk/ a Rockstar/ a good singer.
I want people to look at my Heart.

I just got Kat Von D's High Voltage Tattoo autobiography/whatever-it-is yesterday.
She's got amazing artwork and sketches inside. Entirely bad-ass and beautiful.
But I have to keep in mind that this book shall be my inspiration to being a better artist and that it shall not serve as temptation to fuel my lust for tattooing.
So even if I'll never know how it feels like to ink+shade+highlight a personal masterpiece or a portrait of a pin up girl on someone else's skin, I guess it's worth it.
Because it's all about behaviour that counts, it's about rubbing off a sort of discipline and example vibe and chasing after a more important goal.
Guess what:)

So now I've got a question to ask at cell.
See that's why I love cell. Because I get my questions answered and I get to understand why spiritual boundaries are set.
With the way the world looks at tattoos, short skirts, sex - everything = not the way God would want people to see us.
Boundaries- people say Christianity has tons of rules.
But like Lifeng told me: God didn't set rules to confine us, He set rules to protect us.
So my question is: How much is too much when it comes to creating art? Especially gothic art/ 1950s pin up girls/ everything that Kat Von D is into with a teeny bit of nudity and stuff.
Yeah look into my mind and you'll freak at how much shit is inside.
But it's good shit okay. 
Ahhh but be patient with me; I'm still learning...

Mon amor