Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Hell-oween

I've been 
Watching your world from afar
I've been 
Trying to be where you are
And I've been 
Secretly fallin' apart

To me
You're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be
So perfect with me
But you just can't see
You turn every head but you don't see me

I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep when I put a spell on you
And when you wake I'd be the first thing you see
And you'll realise that you love me

Strange And Beautiful (I'll Put A Spell On You) - Aqualung

If I could describe this song in two words.. those 2 words would be: Tear Jerker
Sigh. Don't we all feel like that. Crushes are gross.
But I don't have a crush now :) 
So I beat you if you're stuck in that lovey dovey hole :)

Friday, October 30, 2009

Someone's circling. Someone's moving, a little lower than the angels.

{Berries growing against a wall at the first restaurant we had our lunch at on the Europe cruise tour}

'Snow Angels' is a film based on a book by Stewart O'Nan. 
'Snow Angels' and 'The Other Bolelyn Girl' are both currently screening on HBO:)

Snow Angels got me crying and screaming "Asshole, asshole!" at the screen this morning at 8.30.
Just watching the way the woman (Annie - Kate Beckinsale) got killed with 2 bullets to the back of her head by the man (Glenn - Sam Rockwell) she had a four-year-old girl with, who died later.
Here's how it happens:
Glenn drives to her home and breaks her window with his elbow, with a rifle in the other hand.
As Annie arrives home, he waits for her behind the door and pulls her aside.
Then he tells her to take off her shoes, and he washes them for her in a basin of water.
As he does so, she tries to kick him to get away but he holds her and says "It's okay, it's okay." (It's obviously not okay.)
Later Glenn leads Annie out into the snow, her barefeet on ice, and they walk down a white hill.
They stop and this is where he tells her to kneel down.
As Annie kneels and he kisses her head, he says "you're a bit sweaty," emphasizing on how afraid she is to meet her death.
"When you're ready."
Glenn steps back and points the rifle to Annie's head.
She sighs and says "I'm ready".
Two gunshots ring out as the camera is lifted towards the sky, with winter birds flying overhead.
That was when I cupped my face and started bawling in front of the TV.
It's that good.
Later Glenn kills himself with a pistol in his mouth.
Sam Rockwell plays the eeriest character that I've ever seen, apart from the actor who plays the murderer, Gordon Northcott, in the flim 'Changeling'.
Besides tragedy, 'Snow Angels' is also about teenage love, friendship, hope and loss.

I realised how much I love Winter.
Particularly because Christmas is one of the joyous occasions to be celebrated then but also because..
White winter mornings have a sort of dreariness but freshness at the same time from the cold.
It's a bittersweet feeling, to feel alive but dead at the same time during winter.
And it's only in other parts of the world that you feel this way.
It's when you're walking with a stranger along a road lined with bare trees right next to an icy cold river with gulls flying past every now and then.
And every breath you exhale is misty.
Like a reassurance that you're alive.
It's a time when you start to get scared and hope that tragedies don't happen because it's when you're in your most vulnerable state, just as your skin is to the cold surrounding you; you get afraid of getting hurt.
And everything is just so inconvenient physically but yet your spirit gets to soar and you're one with yourself again, set apart from tight schedules and 'to-do' lists.
You don't really get to feel this way in New York, not in cities, no but in small, tranquil towns.
Where murders happen quietly and (I am not embarrassed to say this) where making love is the most magical thing to feel under the warmth of thick blankets.
God totally saw what I typed down. But it's okay right. He's gonna grant that to my husband and I.
Think hot chocolate. With quiet friends early in the morning. Think love in a tiny spectrum of light- tiny, but focused and real.

I'm currently freaking out because there's an Indian contractor grinning at me DIRECTLY across the window on my neighbour's roof and I am in my pyjamas. No it's not revealing, it doesn't fall of my shoulders or anything but OH MY GOODNESS I'M REALLY SCARED. One of my brown Roman blinds are not working. It's really high up, thanks to my brother who wanted some light.


I have the sudden urge to hurl a brick at that man.
You guys have to listen to 'Born' and 'Spark', both by Over The Rhine.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

The Armor Of God

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms....Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition of all this, take up the SHIELD OF FAITH, with which you can EXTINGUISH ALL THE FLAMING ARROWS OF THE EVIL ONE. Take the helmet of Salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit with all kinds of prayers and requests."
- Ephesians 6:12, 6:14-18

You know, God.
I don't care about society and how it's made people turn out to be, I don't care about how competition has made us believe we're all selfish and we've gone way past the point of no return, I don't know what step I'm about to take next, or the people I let down/ the mistakes I make/ the people I hurt/ the values I'm going to lose along the way but all I know right now is that You are with me, WITH ME in every situation and decision. YOU are what's so WORTH IT to rid me of myself, my pride and selfishness that needs to be chiselled away over time.

And that's what matters.
To have You WITH ME no matter where or when, no matter what happens, who I'm with, how I feel that You're not here sometimes or even why I'm going through trials in life.
That's ALL the DIFFERENCE and to know that You're going to take EVERY WRONG I make and MAKE IT RIGHT again is size of the little mustard seed of FAITH I have right now. You say that it is ENOUGH to command mountains to throw themselves into the sea and the amount of faith that RESURRECTS A DEAD MAN TO HIS FEET.

God I don't know how I'm gonna get through this exam. Many people do, many people are feeling good about themselves but God, all I'm going to do right now is hang onto You and Your word. Because You do everything for our good, our good, so that we will grow in Christ likeness. Help me to work in rest and to never let go of whatever You have taught me to abide by.

To love, to forgive, to pray about decisions, to ask for the things I want with faith.
Even when criticism and condemnation has stung me in my face and burnt it sore.
I am nothing more but dust in the wind.
But You make me last.
We were built to last forever.

Right now I'm going through trials.
Being cut open by words from people close to my heart, being judged, being looked down upon for my naive faith. But faith is child-like, ain't it? It has no doubts, it has no excuses, it has no 'what if's - for doubt is what kills us, that makes our faith waver. Because faith only lives by "yes" and "Amen".

Oh. And I read this somewhere. Friends listen to our heartaches without blaming us for problems.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Never let anyone tell you you're not good enough.
Because they probably aren't either.
Because they're just so afraid of admitting it.
They bite their nails until they bleed behind closed doors;
Hoping but never knowing who to pray to or which God to ask from.
They are on their own.
Successful, maybe, but without purpose.

To bring someone else down is the worst and most addictive flaw.
To think themselves as higher beings,
Judgement and pride- they come together with daggers and hurt.
Never let yourself take what the enemies say to heart.
The ones who say you're unattractive and stupid.
Cry, but cry for awhile.
Then we'll move on.
And we'll shake all their shit off.

Friends do not bring each other down.
They do not say you are unworthy of anything you want in life.
They do not say you can't go on to do things that you can and things that you will excel in.
Mark this in black and white on your heart and sign your name on it.
Crossed fingers can remained crossed forever if you're not careful.

Your motive, unstable
Like an unwinding cable car

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I spy with my lil eyes

I spy with my lil eyes
That your love knows no bounds
Your heartbeat
As pure as fast as white horses that crash upon the shore
Onto my feet
Splashing me with every fibre of your being

I spy with my tired eyes
Your apathy, "mm"s and "ahh"s
Care which was once the constant-
The sweet, endearing fire of our sixteen-year-old-nights
It's all gone now

I spy with my wide eyes
The same candor I fell in love with on the dancefloor
The same hands
The same smug smile
The same slippery smooch
The same
On her.

- 10.18 PM

Saturday, October 3, 2009

To let go.

To let go of you
You who messed my head up
Made me feel brand new
But old was what remained
Old was my residue

To let go of you
Is to cut off all contact
Is to say "be on your way now,
don't look back"
Is to tell you you've been beautiful
But sadly, I can't live up to ugly

To let you know
You're my favourite dash of red across white canvas
That bold, sexual streak in my personality
The lost, condemned quiet that I've always found
That sensational blue that will always have me bound
To your heart, to your cuts

To let you go
Is to let you know
I've always loved you
But forever can never come
Forever has ceased to become

But for the days so long and black
I will remember you
No longer my sweet lover
But forever faithful, golden Friend

- Ling

Thursday, October 1, 2009

For: Most of Us

Debate pictures!
Realised I'm always holding rubbish in pictures.
Like my Europe pictures = me holding scarf (?!) / water bottle / plastic bag in hand.
In this photo I have the Lit Fest debate schedule as a clutch in my left hand.
The schedule that everyone threw away a long, long time ago.

Apparently my Dad does not like the land tour that we went for, the tour that comprises of Rome, Milan, London, Paris and other places.
He's all heart for cruises now.
Oceans are the most beautiful expanses of water to travel across.
The Mediterranean is of the deepest blue and it was so cold that pieces of ice were floating at the surface of the water when you looked down from the room's balcony in the cruise ship.
But really, if I were to deserve another Queen Mary 2 voyage, I gotta work for it.

This post was for the day before but I realised what a ridicule my previous post was to my writing.
So here I am, on the 3rd of October.
"The blower's daughter.. the pupil in denial...i can't take my eyes off youuu.."
Damien Rice's The Blower's Daughter, pure melancholia; can't get enough of the way he has written this song.
Mel called me during cell yesterday.
She dreamt that I had signed a contract to die.
I was like :O :/ :O cuz she was crying on the phone :( :(
And when I walked back into the room, I felt so, so warm inside.
She messaged me that she loves me and that she would never want anything bad to happen to me.
I can't express how much I appreciate Mel for being in my life.
Not because she dreamt about that, but because she's always there, supporting me and discouraging me in decisions that she knows are wrong and that are made out of my rashness.
You're my wonderwall, Mel.
Wonderwall ♥

So I've been thinking about stuff lately.
I was out with Angel and Eric yesterday (Siti your head!) after cell at Newton eating and I told them that I'm not gonna go clubbing after the O Levels anymore.
And it's cool because if I get hooked onto clubbing .. I'm just gonna turn out fake.
I'm gonna be so discontented about my figure, about the clothes I wear, about how good I look.
I'm going to spend money like water and be some materialistic bitch who tries so hard to be accepted and popular, even.
It's going to be something that pulls me away from God and from my LIFE'S NO. 1 PRINCIPLE: Gotta be true, gotta be true, gotta be true to yourself.
Fake-ness = uncool-ness.
Being distracted and off track with God is my surest and fastest way to drown in this world's insecurities.

That's because I'm so observant and a perfectionist in things that are related to art.
Not just in painting or sketching.
But dressing yourself up/how good you look/make-up = Fashion sense = an Art!
So when I'm observant, I scrutinise every single detail and even to the extent of criticising my body.
If I already know my body isn't the best and that clubbing will crush my self-esteem even further, why would I throw myself into a rut that will take me hell loads of months to get out of eventually?
Because most of the time the term 'how good you look' can only be perfected with a hot body.
And then it links to you having this desire of being sexually or physically attractive to guys and you just get so discontented that girls are driven to aneroxia, bulimia, self-mutiliation, suicide, drugs and even the constant reminder to get rich so that they can go for liposuction when they get older.

It's a messy world.
And God probably just wants me to be right where I am now.
I don't need to get out of this singleness that I'm in.
It doesn't mean being in a relationship is bad, it just means that it isn't my season to be with somebody.
It just means that there's someone so damn special that God has in store for me.
Yesterday I told Nicole in the bus, "I'm afraid I'll never get married."
But thinking back, I'm not even ready to be in a marriage, I'm not even the perfect Mum that God wants to mould me for my kids, so that they'll grow up to be good and strong.

About my body. Yeah.
There's just so much internal conflict within me right now.
But it's as if God has been calming these storms within me.
I asked God to just make me slimmer please make me slimmer and somehow the next day someone introduced the dietician's programme aka the Atkin's diet that I'm on.
And it's only my fault that I haven't been on it faithfully.
But the point is that I thought about why I wanted to slim down.
Many a times I want to slim down because I wanna look hot, I wanna look WOOAAAHHHH WHO'S THAT SHAWTY BURNIN' THE DANCEFLOOR UP MAN?!?!
"If you've got the looks, why not go for the body man? Tone all that down, all that undeveloped muscles right there! BINGO! You're gonna look SO HAWT in a bikini!"
And then I thought about it again.
Why can't I be slim for God's glory.
That when I'm slimmer, I can say "it was God's work and my faith that made me this way."
And getting slimmer is something I can do for myself.
Looking good = feeling good about yourself = you have more confidence:)
It's not about me being happy on this diet plan or not but it's the result that I know is so worth it.
It's me constantly improving myself, for myself and for God.
And even for the decision to not go clubbing- it's gonna be a testimony and an even greater treasure that I store up in Heaven, not rushing His timing, because I know that I'm able to give up and miss out on this activity for way better things He wants me to experience.

Like stepping out of my comfort zone to see how His love has reached so many corners of the globe.
Like witnessing and experiencing the way He finds the ones who have lost themselves.
Like being lost in His love, over and over again, through and through.
God be the Solution:)