Sunday, September 27, 2009

World: you burn

Last night = the most fun I'm gonna ever have in ages before the O Level exam kicks my ass sore.
Angel + Eric + me = funny funny funny talk shit funny funny giggle sing dance funny funny bleah

I have exactly 14 minutes to let you into my brain to explore what I've been thinking about today.
Woke up at 7.35 and spent 10 minutes lugging myself out of bed.
Got ready, got into my blue dress, eye-liner application was easy, grabbed my Bible and got into the car.
Rumble rumble rumble.
"Bye Dad! I'll call ya later when I wanna come home!"
Walk walk walk. Huff puff up the steps.
Sang with all my heart the lines: "Though my world may fall, I'll never let You go.."
Worship was over.
Trot trot trot up the steps with Char and Lawrence.
Passed around the remainder of the lollies I kept for a week in the fridge and listened to Dean in class.

He shared about Missions today.
Missions being us doing God's work about letting people know about Christ and even reaching out our hands to people who need us.
That was when I realised I was being selfish.
Angel and Eric were eating at the shops opposite Cineleisure last night and an old lady came to our table, begging.
I didn't give her money and even told Angel not to give her that 2 bucks she had.
But she did anyway, and she said maybe the woman could buy herself a bowl of noodles.
But I shook the thought off anyway.
Till this morning came.
I realised that even if I didn't want to give her the money and not know what she would spend it on, I could have provided for her by buying her a drink or a packet of food.
I was being selfish last night, and its people like us that indirectly rob them of their money and not even want to give any back.
It's called the cycle of poverty.
Here's a video that Dean let us watch today.
I'm so going for Missions.
I don't wanna just have a music/art studio and get a husband and do shit and have kids and get a cat.
I wanna dream big things for God. 

Friday, September 25, 2009

- -- - -- - - ---- no response

i've never cried over a friend like this
it's just
freaking hard to live with the fact
that you probably don't need me anymore
when i need you
when i need you so bad
cos you know what to say to me
you're just so worthwhile
i didn't forget the time you ran up and down the esplanade looking for me
i didn't forget
at all.
cos that's how much you love me,
don't you?
don't you?
Best Friend?
you who is really the best and just way, way irreplaceable..
don't you..
and as i type
tears are falling
onto my shirt
into my bra
i'm in pain
this is pain.

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you
Now I can't stop

I want you to know that if it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I love you enough to let you go. 

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Once we start, we ain't gonna stop! OHHHH!

 Dearest Vanida Loh,
I didn't call you 'best friend' because I felt like it.
Or because you helped me to cut my hair.
Or even because of the most heartwarming fact: you've been carrying me on your back this entire week.
It's because you understand.
I think you have a gift, the gift that I didn't really realise I had, until somebody told it to me.
You don't read me like I'm some bloody literature text or poem.
You don't analyse me and observe my weird ways.
I'm actually significant to you!
So significant that you actually put your entire sole into my shoes and see situations through my eyes.
You put your entire foot down into my shoes! Not only your toes.
That I'm a friend you'll always want to retain and have.
A friend you don't want to discard.
Not a disposable, not somebody who is here but gone tomorrow.
Not somebody who will be there but whose presence makes no difference.
You tell me that I actually make the difference, whether there or not.
And I'll always be here, carrying you on my back when you need me.
I'm strong enough to, I am :)
I love you awesome chick, to the max :)
Love ya loads,

Sometimes the coldest and thick-in-the-head-est people inspire me to write poems.

Dizzy: Blood Pressure At Its Lowest

You are a hole that tries to swallow me whole
But I'm runnin, I'm gettin out of this rut
You who tried to make me play the antagonist's role,
You who swore to me that I had no gut

I've been sinking, spinning
Like a whirlpool, uncontrollable and blue
Lights are shining, blinding,
I'm falling into hell, and so are you.

But revenge is sweetest at its best
Revenge that is subtle, tiring for you
To watch your knees bleed on shattered smithereens
To watch the righteous rise to perfection, brilliant white, pure and clean

To watch the hurting make their stand
Their tragic complaints of war can thus, come to an end
Make sure you be there to see me
Me on the stage, me who shall lead, fight and fucking defend

I am dizzy
Dizzy with hope
Dizzy with the victory of you being gone!
Gone is the fire that was once fiercely ignited within me
It has finally left my bones

Blood pressure at its lowest
Faint, faint
But knowing all the while
Your sainthood will never be gained.

- - - - -

STOP THE UNDERLYING DEATH YOGA for the Singaporean student's brain


Sunday, September 20, 2009

Flashing. Heart to Stone. Heart to Stone.

I feel good.
I had a Wonder-Nap.

Brisbane at the end of the year.
GO AWAY, Queensland!
If I couldn't get THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD, don't talk to me!

But anyway.
This post is for a friend turned best friend.
Your tolerance is nuts.
I could never be like you, never be this tolerant of everything.
I broke it and I'm happy I did.
One day it'll be what I did for you too. (L)
Heart to stone, Heart to stone.
"I have you and you have me."
You know what's important in that line?
"You have me."

When God puts giants in our lives,
He wants us to have faith and to listen to His voice,
that we are able to OVERCOME them without fear.
To always know that He loves us.
And damn it, that's ALL that matters to me.

Hey you remember this line?
"We don't need the world."

Take me as I am.
Because emotions that are to be controlled will slowly turn fake.
And I will no longer be the person you knew.
If you'd like it, if you'd like it.
But I'll never change for you.
Because I didn't purposely choose that bloody time to cry.
Words, the easiest medium to slice and cut.
I never did hear you say it in my ear before.
But now that I have, the first cut is always, ALWAYS, THE DEEPEST.

"i'll put a spell on you.. and when you wake up you'll realise that you love.. me."

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Miss Superficial is out and about, beware the Fakers/traitors, baby

Thou shall make it very clear.

So that kinda leaves me with Sydney or Brisbane. *wails*  

Today is Sat-er-day.
I am back on my diet plan now after thinking it through with my mum's encouragement :)
I realised my mum knows me really well and its just bouts of miscommunication and my silly angst that tears us apart.
Prelims are over I repeat OHHHHH-VURRRR
I can't really remember this week's musings but I know I've been blessed (seriously) to personally mark the long-awaited end of the exams with good friends.
I can only remember a type of hurt.
It could be amplified with Paramore's new song, Ignorance, from their brand new album "brand new eyes".
It's a kind of betrayal, a kind of slap-in-the-face motive that leaves you feeling throbbing pangs of pain.
It (effing) hurts, ohyesitdoes.
People have told me that I shouldn't stoop to being that type of friend and I shall not, even if I really feel like hitting you and for telling you that one of the reasons why I'm dead is because of what you did to me.
But then again, think about what life has for you, Liling and think about how dying for a broken friendship is worthless - just like slaying demons, you're trying to slay a feeling when you can't even slay your ownself.

Met a new friend last night!
Angel and I were out at Island Creamery and there came along Eric!
So we took a walk along Cluny Road,  pacing along very freaky vines and dark trees to see some house with a fountain.
Ooooo but the walk was worth it!!!
That mansion is GORGEOUS. It looks like a palace, I can't believe I haven't been into that place before.
The gates are MAGNIFICENT, entirely parallel to the European palaces you see in Paris or Buckingham Palace, even.
And the fountain was just so beautifully lit up! It was radiating so much glow that I wanted to faint and see if the residents of the place would pick me up and let me in.
Thennn we took a hike (haha) through the Singapore Botanic Gardens.
That's right, it's exclusive and only for creatures of the night like us because I named it "S B G" and said it in a Gossip Girl tone *wink
Eric was like "no fear no fear" (but he was secretly afraid HAHA) and I realised that Angel was quite funny because we were all very jumpy and Angel kept quiet most of the way because we were both scaredddd
"Eh Angel you saw that? That black thing running across anot?"
And she'd hit you and scream "SHUDDUP LA!!!"
Mmm it's a tad dark inside the ES BEE GEE and the narrow pathways were whoooooo *shivers!*
But it wasn't as scary as the last time that Angel and I went there alone because Eric came along, eh?:)
Oh and Eric's a really good conversationist and he's bubbly, yeah, reallly bubbly. Yknow, like a bubble? :P

Then I gotta finish up my O Level Art prep work tomorrow.
Imma go nuts on white paper mannnn.


i love ya'll, best friends

Faker / Traitor
You pick :)

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

What makes me happy is that I have metallic chocolate brown nails.
(superficial statement but forgive me)


'N I am guilty just like you
You who tore open my heart
And scraped away the blackness
Helpful, joyful,
You who deemed me as Frie_d

'N I am exhaustion upon exhaustion
A lonely heap of argument
Spit and rage,
Spite and pride
I who deemed you as Frie_d

'N you came along
The point is that you came
Along with no fear,
With beer but without war
With blue but without cold
You whom I've deemed as Frie_d

But later, things change
Later my head is whipped around to
See you stoning me from behind
This behind I call 'back'
I thought you had it.

'N I watch you hurl hurt into my quivering pupils
My lips are kissed red and bruised purple
I like you, your way of doing things
It is sweet, in-my-face,
Straightforward, honest,
Honor, Haunting
Yes, I like this betrayal

And, N, N, N
It goes on and on and on and on,

A poem by me about the betrayal of a friend.
It's nobody in particular, just something that I've been seeing among my circle of friends.
The repetition of 'n's gives a ringing sound, like betrayal being portrayed as a cliffhanger in our minds.
Forever present - forgiven, but present.
:) Hope you pretty babies like it.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Life just means so much when you have people who appreciate you.
For the inside; your heart, and not you on the surface.
Suddenly I'm not that vulnerable to hurt anymore.
I just look at the people who love me for who I am and ignore the people who have problems with me.
These problems that need accepting from others, not changing myself for people.
I realise that some people can talk things out and settle issues effectively, while others are afraid; they hide behind masks and think that others can't see through them.
But these masks are just so, so transparent that your heart hurts everytime you see how broken they are on the other side.
Your heart hurts, because you know that you are just like them, as broken and as tired of the world.
So this is when you want to step in to help.
You start to knock on the door of their hearts and ask if they could let you in.
You then contribute to the tiny fissures and cracks on their masks, making them bigger and more in quantity- until there are so many that they can't hold together anymore and everything smashes onto the ground into shiny smithereens.
This is when you hold their hands to walk out of their pain.
You are then called 'Friend'.
And it is a title you honour and appreciate and cherish.
:) mmhmm.

Faces are so beautiful.
I want to sketch and paint my friends' faces for their graduation gift.

Meeting God and making everything right with Him feels so good.
It feels so good to be pure.
When I drank the Holy Communion grape juice today, I asked God to cleanse me of the abuse I did to myself.
And as it went down my gullet, my entire body shook and I almost crushed the little plastic cup I held in my right hand.
Yesterday God gave me a thought, of making things right with me again and my left hand clenched itself tightly without my knowledge- the left hand that I committed my secret sin with.
Today it was the right hand.
Jesus is my Righteousness, and He will save me when I cry out to Him for salvation.

Give thanks with a willing heart, give thanks.

All of my life
In every season,
You are still God,
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to

(You make it easier to be me)

Saturday, September 5, 2009

We're so gonna have icecream later - (WIN)


You would've been equally shocked at how unprepared the Proposition were.
Every speaker is given 4 minutes each.
We spoke so much and all that jittery nonsense was worthless- because the Prop spoke for 30 seconds.
We were just so, so pissed off because it was total waste of time.
But who cares, we got a trophy for Set Text Debate at this year's Lit Fest anyway :)

I pray for every parent's loss of their missing child.
Be it 10 days or 10 years.
That their child is somewhere safe and that they will never stop keeping faith.