Sunday, January 31, 2010


The fever started last night.
Lived through dusk and opened my eyes victoriously upon the coming of dawn.
Ate a mini chocolate wassant reluctantly and popped two panadols.
Took a nap with constant noise that somehow soothed me down as I slept on the sofa.
Wind from the open side door caressed my face, as if it was chasing the heat from my body away.
Got up because I started perspiring again.
Glanced at the Bible, then took a good look at it and flipped to the book of Psalm.
Psalm 107:17-21:
"Some became fools through their rebellious ways and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.
They loathed all food and drew near the gates of death.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.
He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.
Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men."

And I started to cry softly as I asked God how He could ever love a sinner like me.
I have been drawing close to the gates of death for the entire week.
And something struck me in my heart. When I asked Kyle how could I ever stand on the stage in church and serve God and His people when I'm so unholy inside.
Then I remembered that he told me we're worthless but at the same time, we're worth everything.
And no one is holier than anyone else on this earth, we're all equal.
'Everything' in the fact that God gave up the best for us - Jesus.
So I sat up on the sofa and sang to Him.

"Lord I've come to know, the weaknesses I see in me,
Will be stripped away by the Power of Your Love.
Hold me close, let Your love surround me
Bring me near, draw me to Your side
And as I wait, I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love"

I told Him how beautiful He was.
And He heard me.
I knew He was there with me, I could feel Him and He made his presence known in the soft rustle of the leaves in the wind.
Our God is a gentle God.
And I am so proud to say that the basis of Christianity is love.
I realised how important this word is.
When I feel unworthy, He tells me I'm worth it because He loves me.
I appreciate this fever.
Because it lets me be still for a moment and know that He is God: my Healer, my refuge, my strength.

I am beginning to understand Joy and I am starting to abandon superficial emotions like happiness that are temporary and which hold no weight.
But joy.
"We stand and lift up our hands,
for the joy of the Lord is our strength."
And even in my pain, You are with me and You bring me joy, Lord.
You delight in me and You love me and I want to say that today, it's enough for me.
You are enough for me.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

honey roasted macadamias

{New York, I Love You} MOVIE NIGHT 

We're so alike, and never have I felt more comfortable around you, coussie <3

Cara was happy:) Everyone was:)

I dreamt about you.
Dreamt that you were feeling my ribcage and told me "woah it's big" and somehow I took it in a way that you know my body's this way because I've got big bones.
And I melted right there when you held me.
And you let me kiss you right there and wipe away the tears you had in your eyes (because you got so pissed about something silly).
Okay my point is you let me be there for you. And I was happy.
People may think I'm crazy and it was an insult when you told me that about my ribcage.
But no. I don't believe you're someone like that.
You're not shallow or superficial like any other guy I've ever known even if you do talk alot about hot girls.
You're just a really visual person (like the way I am so I can go on about some hot guy on the street all day).
I've begun to dismiss the question of "what do you look for in a guy?"
There are so many qualities and things that we look for and even if a guy has met all these requirements, he may not have a certain type of feel that I want to have when I'm around somebody I love.
We may not have chemistry or a level of comfort when we're together.
He may have the best personality in the world but he may not be after God's own heart.

Because God really is the centre of the relationship and I want that priority to be reserved for only you.
Even if you're not going to be mine, I still want the best for you.

So I woke up and I told myself I love you.
It's flattering for you to know/hear/read/, I know.
I'm actually scared at the fact that I've liked so many people before.
But I don't want this to be infatuation anymore.
Like Lawrence asked God for someone to love, I asked Him too.
But I'm still sixteen.
So I'll wait.

I haven't told you guys about the interview that I went through at SP, so why not.
I went for the one regarding Creative Writing for TV & New Media.
That week, I had been tearing myself down, often ending up curling up into a crumpled heap of misery on the floor.
So as I spoke about my views on life and everything, I got interrupted and the interviewers asked if I was sixteen.
I said "yes I am" and they asked "where do you get all these thoughts? why are you so philosophical! you're not like anyone we've ever met! there's something about you."
I felt so humbled at that time and so loved by He who made me that I almost wanted to cry.
Right then, right there, God told me He loves me and that even if I lift my soul up to another who tramples on it, He still lets me know how worthy I am through the way He lets people see how beautiful His creation is from the inside out.
He let me know how appreciated I am by others and to LOOK AT THE FACT that others still love me for who I REALLY AM and not for what I live up to be or to look at only one person and to live by what he wants me to be.
I couldn't answer where I got all my inspiration and thoughts from.
Because my answer was, still is and forever will be "this is the beauty of His creation and part of who He really is".
I went to Nicole's place after the interview feeling like the happiest, most JOYFUL girl in the whole galaxy.
Joy, was what had me on the verge of tears.
He showed me His Love and it was amazing.
Thanks Lord. You're lovely beyond words. Just so damn lovely and so comforting to know that You take delight in me, Lord:) :) :)

Yesterday: WWW was really fun.
Even if our feet hurt.
I got dizzy at the Tsunami pool. DiiiiizzZZzZZZzzyyyzyyzyzyzy
It was cool that Claire came; she's good company!
So we went to Cara's place for pizza, some good old Baileys, Cookies&Cream ice-cream cake with rainbow sprinkles, gummies and jellybeans all loaded on top, card games and Family Guy (omg right).
I love being around my churchies. I'll never have enough:)
Then Claire, Ryan, John and I cabbed home with healthy, sexy, sun-kissed skin:)


Saturday, January 23, 2010

B-b-b-ut I'm 16: so I GET TO BE SIXTEEN :)

(She's the one showing off her pearly whites with rainbow earrings in the middle)

Today we went fishing at Laurel Wood Avenue!
You know that huge drain at the back?? :)
YEAH! I caught one tiny fishie and added him/her to Claire's pail!
It was pretty cool, I love my churchies<3
So we sat in the wind listening to music/laughing/eating potato+green apple+celery salad/watching John learn how to cycle/acknowledging the fact that Ryan sucks at Bluff/looking at dogs/talking about Glee etc.
So anyway.
I know alot of people read my blog and stuff.
But omg can you guys tell me who you are.
Like you know so much about my life when I talk to you and I go like "woah how'd you know that".
Should I put up a tagboard so I know who visits??
Oh guess what.
My neighbour can hear me sing.
HE.CAN.HEAR.ME.SING. and I never knew that all these years!!!
I'm a pretty cool neighbour you know.
I sing, I laugh, I cry, I have cool friends who dance around in my room with me- I'm the best neighbour anyone could ever ask for!
No but actually I think I disturb him alot when he studies because when I'm excited I shout alot. So.

Life's been kinda funky
Like I'm sixteen and I do crazy things and cry about crazy things
But I get to be sixteen only once
So I don't mind getting sad over nutzo stuff
But I'm way better today
And omg the person who read my blog (i think you kinda did) - IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU
*whew* :)

I have to order loads of Macs for 830 Sunday School class tomorrow morning!!!!!!
I gotta wake up early!!!!!!

and if you think i can't live without you
you're like..

Friday, January 15, 2010

But I can't go any further than this.

 "Pick up your things, pick up your shoes, and leave."

I never forgot what a teacher at Julia Gabriel said to me.
I was around 8 then.
It was the most embarrassing thing ever.
And when I looked into his eyes, I thought I caught a glimpse of the most serious man in the whole world.
He didn't even care if he had to bear the responsibility and consequences of me running away (which I didn't); he just told me to leave.
But in the end I just stayed there, rooted to the spot and he continued the lesson.
I don't even remember what I did back then to make him so furious.
Wow. I wish I could apply the same seriousness to all the distractions in my head.
To just tell them to pick up their junk and go.
And not wonder where they've been or what I might have missed out.
But I guess this is also another point of how being human feels like: When temptation and sin come hand in hand knocking at my door, I run up to greet them both with open arms.
And I leave God out of the picture.
But when I've had my fun, He always invites me into His embrace.
This is grace.

So today I treated myself to a very nice lunch and a hairdo.
I was assigned to sit in front of the counter, so I don't have a mirror because the parlour is kind of small.
So I got my hair curled and when I took a seat in front of the mirror, I looked at myself with eyes as wide as saucers and started giggling away.
And Kay laughed along too- he's the hair stylist.
I almost burst out in laughter when my hair was getting washed up and bubbled at the sink.
Kay was massaging my head and it tickled me so much that I had to hold back my grin.
Can you imagine if you're washing someone's hair at the sink and she starts smiling?
Especially someone like ME. He might have thought I fell in love with him because of the way he massaged my head! (I know I'm thinking too much but whatever, it could happen!)
So Kay said the curls are going to loosen up later and I felt better.
Maybe it isn't the hair, maybe it's me.
Auntie Eliza says if I had worn a different set of clothes, I would have felt differently about the hairdo.
But comfort is number one; I wore a black shirt and my FBTs in.
Oh well! It's nice having these simple joys in life, like laughing at the way I look in the salon.

I'm pretty satisfied with the way life has turned out to be.
Since I've stopped work at CBM, I'm going to start teaching people English.
People like Jiayun and Adel.
And I get $100 bonus if Jiayun gets an A on her next exam.
I feel good doing something meaningful and worthwhile.
It's the satisfaction that rewards me the most, besides the money I earn.

Anyway I've been struggling ever since stuff happened.
Struggling emotionally.
So that day in the bathroom I finally let my tears roll.
Told myself I wouldn't cry over a piece of all-things-unnice like him.
But I couldn't help it.
I didn't feel better immediately either.
So I just washed my face and went outside to watch TV and stuffed myself with Marks & Spencer's biscuits and gained a few grams without my knowledge.
I must buy a crate of apples.

I'm going to paint.
My heart is dying.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

{ Blessed is the man who praises the Lord in times of provision, but even more blessed is he who praises Him in times of adversity }

For those of us who are about to get our results, may this be of comfort to you:)

"If life is a classroom and adversity is its teacher, then we are to praise and worship in every conceivable situation. If life is a classroom and adversity is its teacher, then God wants to use us in every situation to convey lessons about His goodness and sovereignty. If life is a classroom and adversity is its teacher, then when we pray, God is invited to intervene in our circumstances."

Hebrews 11:1 says: Now FAITH is being SURE OF WHAT WE HOPE FOR and CERTAIN of WHAT WE DO NOT SEE.
Hebrews 11:30 says: By FAITH the walls of Jericho FELL, after the people had marched around them for seven days.
11:34 - "whose weakness was turned into strength"

Dear God, it doesn't matter how long I have to wait for you to work miracles in this lifetime. It doesn't matter how much I think that circumstances can obstruct Your plan- they cannot. Lord I only ask that You give me a heart of patience, to not rush Your timing and that in every season, You have a reason for the situations or even dry deserts that I venture into. Lord, You'll never stop releasing the extent of Your hand on our lives. And I pray that as You do, may it never pass me by. That Lord, as we receive our results on Monday, may they be the results of the exam in this period of time and not the results of WHAT OUR LIVES TURN OUT TO BE. Lord, I wait upon You, with expectance that I am in good hands- regardless of what happens. Give me the heart and faith that Abraham had, that when You asked him to move his whole family without telling him where they were going (Gen, 12:1-3). "God also asked Abraham to persevere- to stay in an unknown land even when the lure of past comforts may have threatened to seduce him and his family back to their comfort zone in Ur." And, "the fear of the unknown could CRIPPLE OUR CAPACITY to follow GOD'S LEADING through the days ahead." Lord, I want to be the one to say I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good, I want to be the one of the surest faith in You in the hall that day, Lord. I want to be the one who claims all Your promises in Jesus' name and that Lord, I expect good things to happen and eliminate the "what ifs" that inject doubt into people's hearts. But Lord, if ever I should be disappointed, may I hold onto You, may I NEVER GIVE UP like Uncle Peter didn't, may I hold onto Your word, the hope and the grace You have so freely given to us. Joyful, Lord, I am, to be in Your courts and embrace than thousands elsewhere. In Jesus' name, amen:)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Realised how much I love Jia and Yun.
I had fun talking and laughing with them over Mango sorbet on Sunday night.

I look like poof in that photo. Oh well. 
My coussie Carrina is in Singapore! (I haven't taken photos with her yet):
So yesterday I've concluded that having her around is like undergoing therapy.
Because she understands the emotions that kill me most of the time. 
She's going to be here for 6 weeks, living under the same roof as me.
She really hates her work, so I'm going to reserve Saturday entirely for her! 
We're kind of alike. Just that I'm not determined and she has some God-given perseverance in most things.
And we're both nuts over food. Just that she works out and I kinda .. uh.. don't. 


Say cheeeeeezzzzz.
You know when you wanna be cool for a second?
Then something pops up and sparks off your excitement?
[ Like the XX/ Kings of Convenience/ Paramore coming to Singapore??? ]
And you start running around in circles like some dog?
I hate it when that happens to me.
Not that I run around in circles and not that I'm some dog (if I were a dog, I'd be the hottest dog in the world like a HOTdog),
But it's just that I'm sixteen and I don't see girls my age going nuts like I do.
Okay, maybe they do. (I mean come on, even Cara says if I were an animal in the African jungle, I'd be a rhino)
But the general population doesn't act the way I do.
Maybe that's why I feel normal around all my friends!
Because they're the nutty minority:)
I'm actually quite afraid of myself sometimes.
Like I'm the victim of too much globalisation aka pop culture's influence.
Or is this just me? With crazy spirals and flashing lightning bolts flying across my mind every few seconds?!
I can actually imagine myself holding a beer bottle standing on the top of Orchard Ion declaring I'm Queen of the Galaxy.
Most of the time I wonder how I'm ever going to 'evolve' into a woman.
Even the word 'woman' sounds distant to me.
Sure, I call my friends 'woman' but to be called one = :O :O :O
Maybe you guys should call me 'woman' more often. Geez!!!
So you know what?
Since I obviously can't behave like one now, I'm not gonna let anyone kill off the kid in me.
But I guess people look past behaviour and look at the heart eh?
Ah I contradict myself so much.
Yeah yeah and everything goes on in my mind (how do I remember everything you say to me?):

I think I've got a weird gene in my blood.
Like some rebellious/angry cell that keeps multiplying furiously in me.
It's horrid.
Like I'm always described as dramatic or wrath at its maximum.
Sigh. Somebody save me from myself.
God where are You.
Can you just throw me your R.E.S.C.U.E. rope and give me wings so I can fly to where You are even if my grip fails me?

See I'm going through crap again.
I'll willingly go through Life's rock and roll and at the end of the day, I'm just going to look back and regret.
Yep. Regret. That's the word!