Worthy

The fever started last night.
Lived through dusk and opened my eyes victoriously upon the coming of dawn.
Ate a mini chocolate wassant reluctantly and popped two panadols.
Took a nap with constant noise that somehow soothed me down as I slept on the sofa.
Wind from the open side door caressed my face, as if it was chasing the heat from my body away.
Got up because I started perspiring again.
Glanced at the Bible, then took a good look at it and flipped to the book of Psalm.
Psalm 107:17-21:
"Some became fools through their rebellious ways and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.
They loathed all food and drew near the gates of death.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.
He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.
Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men."

And I started to cry softly as I asked God how He could ever love a sinner like me.
I have been drawing close to the gates of death for the entire week.
And something struck me in my heart. When I asked Kyle how could I ever stand on the stage in church and serve God and His people when I'm so unholy inside.
Then I remembered that he told me we're worthless but at the same time, we're worth everything.
And no one is holier than anyone else on this earth, we're all equal.
'Everything' in the fact that God gave up the best for us - Jesus.
So I sat up on the sofa and sang to Him.

"Lord I've come to know, the weaknesses I see in me,
Will be stripped away by the Power of Your Love.
Hold me close, let Your love surround me
Bring me near, draw me to Your side
And as I wait, I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love"

I told Him how beautiful He was.
And He heard me.
I knew He was there with me, I could feel Him and He made his presence known in the soft rustle of the leaves in the wind.
Our God is a gentle God.
And I am so proud to say that the basis of Christianity is love.
I realised how important this word is.
When I feel unworthy, He tells me I'm worth it because He loves me.
I appreciate this fever.
Because it lets me be still for a moment and know that He is God: my Healer, my refuge, my strength.

I am beginning to understand Joy and I am starting to abandon superficial emotions like happiness that are temporary and which hold no weight.
But joy.
"We stand and lift up our hands,
for the joy of the Lord is our strength."
And even in my pain, You are with me and You bring me joy, Lord.
You delight in me and You love me and I want to say that today, it's enough for me.
You are enough for me.