Friday, January 15, 2010

But I can't go any further than this.

 "Pick up your things, pick up your shoes, and leave."

I never forgot what a teacher at Julia Gabriel said to me.
I was around 8 then.
It was the most embarrassing thing ever.
And when I looked into his eyes, I thought I caught a glimpse of the most serious man in the whole world.
He didn't even care if he had to bear the responsibility and consequences of me running away (which I didn't); he just told me to leave.
But in the end I just stayed there, rooted to the spot and he continued the lesson.
I don't even remember what I did back then to make him so furious.
Wow. I wish I could apply the same seriousness to all the distractions in my head.
To just tell them to pick up their junk and go.
And not wonder where they've been or what I might have missed out.
But I guess this is also another point of how being human feels like: When temptation and sin come hand in hand knocking at my door, I run up to greet them both with open arms.
And I leave God out of the picture.
But when I've had my fun, He always invites me into His embrace.
This is grace.

So today I treated myself to a very nice lunch and a hairdo.
I was assigned to sit in front of the counter, so I don't have a mirror because the parlour is kind of small.
So I got my hair curled and when I took a seat in front of the mirror, I looked at myself with eyes as wide as saucers and started giggling away.
And Kay laughed along too- he's the hair stylist.
I almost burst out in laughter when my hair was getting washed up and bubbled at the sink.
Kay was massaging my head and it tickled me so much that I had to hold back my grin.
Can you imagine if you're washing someone's hair at the sink and she starts smiling?
Especially someone like ME. He might have thought I fell in love with him because of the way he massaged my head! (I know I'm thinking too much but whatever, it could happen!)
So Kay said the curls are going to loosen up later and I felt better.
Maybe it isn't the hair, maybe it's me.
Auntie Eliza says if I had worn a different set of clothes, I would have felt differently about the hairdo.
But comfort is number one; I wore a black shirt and my FBTs in.
Oh well! It's nice having these simple joys in life, like laughing at the way I look in the salon.

I'm pretty satisfied with the way life has turned out to be.
Since I've stopped work at CBM, I'm going to start teaching people English.
People like Jiayun and Adel.
And I get $100 bonus if Jiayun gets an A on her next exam.
I feel good doing something meaningful and worthwhile.
It's the satisfaction that rewards me the most, besides the money I earn.

Anyway I've been struggling ever since stuff happened.
Struggling emotionally.
So that day in the bathroom I finally let my tears roll.
Told myself I wouldn't cry over a piece of all-things-unnice like him.
But I couldn't help it.
I didn't feel better immediately either.
So I just washed my face and went outside to watch TV and stuffed myself with Marks & Spencer's biscuits and gained a few grams without my knowledge.
I must buy a crate of apples.

I'm going to paint.
My heart is dying.

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