Thursday, October 1, 2009

For: Most of Us




Debate pictures!
Realised I'm always holding rubbish in pictures.
Like my Europe pictures = me holding scarf (?!) / water bottle / plastic bag in hand.
In this photo I have the Lit Fest debate schedule as a clutch in my left hand.
The schedule that everyone threw away a long, long time ago.

Apparently my Dad does not like the land tour that we went for, the tour that comprises of Rome, Milan, London, Paris and other places.
He's all heart for cruises now.
Oceans are the most beautiful expanses of water to travel across.
The Mediterranean is of the deepest blue and it was so cold that pieces of ice were floating at the surface of the water when you looked down from the room's balcony in the cruise ship.
But really, if I were to deserve another Queen Mary 2 voyage, I gotta work for it.

This post was for the day before but I realised what a ridicule my previous post was to my writing.
So here I am, on the 3rd of October.
"The blower's daughter.. the pupil in denial...i can't take my eyes off youuu.."
Damien Rice's The Blower's Daughter, pure melancholia; can't get enough of the way he has written this song.
Mel called me during cell yesterday.
She dreamt that I had signed a contract to die.
I was like :O :/ :O cuz she was crying on the phone :( :(
And when I walked back into the room, I felt so, so warm inside.
She messaged me that she loves me and that she would never want anything bad to happen to me.
I can't express how much I appreciate Mel for being in my life.
Not because she dreamt about that, but because she's always there, supporting me and discouraging me in decisions that she knows are wrong and that are made out of my rashness.
You're my wonderwall, Mel.
Wonderwall ♥

So I've been thinking about stuff lately.
I was out with Angel and Eric yesterday (Siti your head!) after cell at Newton eating and I told them that I'm not gonna go clubbing after the O Levels anymore.
And it's cool because if I get hooked onto clubbing .. I'm just gonna turn out fake.
I'm gonna be so discontented about my figure, about the clothes I wear, about how good I look.
I'm going to spend money like water and be some materialistic bitch who tries so hard to be accepted and popular, even.
It's going to be something that pulls me away from God and from my LIFE'S NO. 1 PRINCIPLE: Gotta be true, gotta be true, gotta be true to yourself.
Fake-ness = uncool-ness.
Being distracted and off track with God is my surest and fastest way to drown in this world's insecurities.

That's because I'm so observant and a perfectionist in things that are related to art.
Not just in painting or sketching.
But dressing yourself up/how good you look/make-up = Fashion sense = an Art!
So when I'm observant, I scrutinise every single detail and even to the extent of criticising my body.
If I already know my body isn't the best and that clubbing will crush my self-esteem even further, why would I throw myself into a rut that will take me hell loads of months to get out of eventually?
Because most of the time the term 'how good you look' can only be perfected with a hot body.
And then it links to you having this desire of being sexually or physically attractive to guys and you just get so discontented that girls are driven to aneroxia, bulimia, self-mutiliation, suicide, drugs and even the constant reminder to get rich so that they can go for liposuction when they get older.

It's a messy world.
And God probably just wants me to be right where I am now.
I don't need to get out of this singleness that I'm in.
It doesn't mean being in a relationship is bad, it just means that it isn't my season to be with somebody.
It just means that there's someone so damn special that God has in store for me.
Yesterday I told Nicole in the bus, "I'm afraid I'll never get married."
But thinking back, I'm not even ready to be in a marriage, I'm not even the perfect Mum that God wants to mould me for my kids, so that they'll grow up to be good and strong.

About my body. Yeah.
There's just so much internal conflict within me right now.
But it's as if God has been calming these storms within me.
I asked God to just make me slimmer please make me slimmer and somehow the next day someone introduced the dietician's programme aka the Atkin's diet that I'm on.
And it's only my fault that I haven't been on it faithfully.
But the point is that I thought about why I wanted to slim down.
Many a times I want to slim down because I wanna look hot, I wanna look WOOAAAHHHH WHO'S THAT SHAWTY BURNIN' THE DANCEFLOOR UP MAN?!?!
"If you've got the looks, why not go for the body man? Tone all that down, all that undeveloped muscles right there! BINGO! You're gonna look SO HAWT in a bikini!"
And then I thought about it again.
Why can't I be slim for God's glory.
That when I'm slimmer, I can say "it was God's work and my faith that made me this way."
And getting slimmer is something I can do for myself.
Looking good = feeling good about yourself = you have more confidence:)
It's not about me being happy on this diet plan or not but it's the result that I know is so worth it.
It's me constantly improving myself, for myself and for God.
And even for the decision to not go clubbing- it's gonna be a testimony and an even greater treasure that I store up in Heaven, not rushing His timing, because I know that I'm able to give up and miss out on this activity for way better things He wants me to experience.

Like stepping out of my comfort zone to see how His love has reached so many corners of the globe.
Like witnessing and experiencing the way He finds the ones who have lost themselves.
Like being lost in His love, over and over again, through and through.
God be the Solution:)

1 comment:

  1. Hey ling, im so proud to have a friend likee you! :)

    ReplyDelete