Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Don't let me go

in the morning
when i got in bed
i started thinking
of how heartbreaks have made me who i am today
of how they've caused me to never trust anyone else again
and that behind the way i laugh, the way i joke
behind this strength i present to you
behind this barrier and wall i've put up
there's so much pain.
so much torment.
even if it's not happening to me sometimes
but to other people, like my friends/ my family
i still feel the hurt they feel, and i'm disappointed all over again

i guess this gift of empathy comes with a price
that you cry very softly before you sleep
for the world / things that happen / shit that happens
you think i'm crazy, dramatic and overrated
mind you, sweet thing, you wouldn't call this dramatic if it happened to you

Gerard, a drama trainer from Les Thespians Drama once asked us
"how many of you have cried very softly in bed before?"
and everyone raised their hands

as we grow
we watch the world
we watch it and we start to cry
because it just hurts so bad to watch it crumble

please don't tell me you'll do something
don't even be filled with zeal and eager endeavour
then in turn, fail to live up to what you said and leave me feeling like you've cut a hole in my chest
do you know what it feels like?
it's like you're telling me to take your hand
so that i can walk with you into a new phase in life
then you turn your back on me and start running like lightning
like lightning.
and everything is blurry before my eyes
because hot tears start spilling down and you leave me back here to die.

someone once told me i have the gift of faith
that i trust Jesus with all my heart
that i'd give Him all my pain without hesitating
suddenly i remember
suddenly i remember i've forgotten
about the many times i surrendered and He made it well again
Lord guard my heart, be like Atticus to me,
protect me like the way he protected Scout from the world
yet letting her grow into someone like him, an all-rounded, well-meaning individual
- i wanna be like You.
i want to love selflessly, i want to give give give the way You gave
i want to look my husband in the eye at the altar and know that he has been set aside for me
so i give You all my focus, knowing that joy is when i need no one else but Jesus.
but will You just be there for me every time the temptation is strong?
Lord if i am to fall, may i never fall away from You.

so the rain came
and the music faded away
and your face disappeared
and sleep turned out fine
:) i guess i can smile now :) :)

"You have turned my mourning into dancing, You have turned my sorrow into joy"
when the morning comes, all is well again<3

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