Thursday, March 18, 2010

Because you said that we'll make it through... not.

I obviously grabbed these photos from their site.
"We settled our own shows, sold our own merchandise, played body guard and stage manager for each other. It was hard work but we were willing to do it because we loved making music so much. We’d chosen a path of independence. Opted to sign with an indie label to keep control of our project and to retain some ownership over ourselves and our music. This meant we had a lot of control, but often times, it meant things took longer and took more work."

-Tegan ( )

Sometimes I wish I had a band and that we could go on tour and escape from all the crap here.
The anger management you get overseas is different.
You go for a really long walk along cosy, dimly lit streets with a hotdog stand somewhere near.
And you just walk and you get to cry and people won't stare at you like the people here do.
I remember once I was mad at my Mom in Australia, and I went for a really long walk around the hotel grounds and it was so cold but it felt shitass good.
I don't know how to explain it.
I was like a warm fat globule in my winter jacket, because I was so, so angry.

"Thank you that whatever painful reality I must face, You will face it with me." 

Last night I had a massive mood swing moment.
I was in my bedroom doing QT and this sentence made me see how much I've been neglecting my walk with God.
And I started to feel a great sense of relief and release and I broke down.

I silently unleashed hell as I walked off into the night to the Esso station and back again with a Magnum icecream and a Reader's Digest issue.
I thought about loads of stuff.
I thought about how I've focused on friends for the entire week, yet only to be left disappointed.
I thought about how I've wrongly accused a friend of something she didn't intend to do, because I didn't want the blame to be on me.
Thought about how freaking selfish I was.
About how I can call myself a Christian if I treat people like that.
About how God could love people like us.
About what you might have said or thought about me and how you're not really who you say you are.
And also the question that has been haunting me ever since last year: "why am I always the one stirring up drama." It's not as if I'm Lauren Conrad or Heidi Montague who acts in The Hills or something.
I hate the way I handle my emotions and I'm really, really, really sorry if I've hurt anyone along the way.

But then sometimes I let people walk all over my defenses, and I'll willingly take the blame even if it wasn't my fault to begin with.
Don't tell me "oh that's because you wanna act noble".
You wouldn't feel like a hero after you've swallowed down all the shit they claim you've done when they were the ones who stirred shit up first.
Then you'll know how much pain it causes me.
Then you'll learn to shut up.

The very nature of love itself is that it's self-sacrificial.
Then hell, I'll learn to put down my pride for the benefit of you being able to face the world, I'll learn to sacrifice my rights and yes, I'll learn to carry my own cross and I WILL learn to l.o.v.e.
I will learn to be faithful to my friends, I will learn to guard my heart.
"Nobody likes to but I'd really like to cry,
Nobody likes me, maybe, if I cry."
- The Con by Tegan and Sara
You can leave me out, boycott me.If I care then it shall be my downfall.
I feel like there's a hurricane of conspiracy coming my way.

If you have read till here, you're pretty cool.

Anyway, on a very anti-climax/light note: BGN's coming up, I'm gonna get balloooooons and try to make lasagna:)

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