Monday, August 3, 2009

All I wanna do is call out Your name
Hold it close to my heart and
When I shiver and sob in bed
Your name shall be on my lips
It's a whisper to the world, in the dark
But You know how loud this cry is to You
You know it, Lord, You know it.

It's so hard to just give You my heart
Maybe it's only human to do so

Tongues of acid have been lashing out at me behind my back
God will You let my friends remember?
Remember that I have been there at their lowest points or
When people were screaming insults into their faces
Been there to ask how I can be one of the many friends who help to mend them
Will you let them not say hurtful things behind my back
All because of the fact that they have no knowledge of my personality whatsoever
Because knowing me takes way longer than a year and a half
Thus letting them ASSUME I treat my rage and tempers like they are treasures that I keep close everytime a situation turns sour
And because they are unaccepting that I am temperamental
They think I am overreacting, being dramatic, entertaining unnecessary emotions - as if I'd like it to be that way
Will You please please please give me friends that I have a desire for keeping and not discarding
Friends that are worthy, even, to be friends who will never sow discord behind my back
Friends that I know I can trust

Lord I don't need friends who are saints
I just need friends who will not hurt me on purpose

God I thank You for giving me friends like Nicole, Mel and Diane
Nicole you've been the best listener there has ever been
You don't just listen but you're always there to hold me when I'm on the verge of breaking down
Just seeing you makes my tears flow because I know it's in you that I can find comfort
It's you that I can trust and if I ever break down
You won't ever think it's unnecessary because you make it so clear to me that
Everyone has problems and it's just so damn freaking OKAY to cry
You've lit a million - no - GAZILLION stormy days for me in school
The way you told me stuff today
It just opened my heart to forgive, to ignore whatever might be stirring up inside me
As well as Mandy and Nicole Tee
Nicole I'm not ashamed to have cried during the Aesthetics Night rehearsal or last Monday when I said I missed you
You're a very very dear friend to me and I don't regret pouring out any corner of my heart to you
Even the darkest corners, no I'm not afraid of that.

Mel and Diane
You guys have seen through me
Diane you let me know how Jesus sees through my defenses
Whether it's feeling insecure about my body or whether I'm fighting so hard to prove my worth
Thank you because you TELL ME and when you said "Liling I want to talk to you" I can't be thankful enough that you told me all that God wanted me to hear
I'm so freaking serious
Yesterday when you told me about the decision about going overseas
"Maybe God wants you to go to poly, or somewhere you really don't want to go because you have the ability to be there for people, for the broken hearted"
And you told me about the gifts I have (I obviously won't state it down haha) and the best thing is
You told me about my weakness
About me being temperamental and you know it's no good for me
And here is where Mel comes in
You guys, you tell me what lifts me up and what breaks me
You guys tell it to me because you love me, because you know it's what I have to overcome
Mel it was so so heartwarming that you let me know that this kind of breaking down and controlling of emotions takes YEARS to perfect
Mel, Diane, you guys have such awesome understanding
I don't know how you do it but I do know it's God-given and blessed.
Because I am blessed by the both of you.

I don't forget people who have asked if I'm okay
Or who have been gracious to talk situations out
Situations that have either gone a teeny off the path of empathy or that have gone terribly wrong
Like Nida like Kel like Char like Joseph
All of you mean so much to me

And I really appreciate all the advice and kudos to everyone who said
Friends who talk behind your back are not worth my time,
They're not worth me caring about.
God thank you thank you for being my Provision
For providing me with those 2 different ties that I needed for both the morning and afternoon assemblies
Kel says he thinks I should thank Sheren
But really Lord I thank You because it's faith
Faith, believing in something that one cannot see
And that You gave me grace in that dilemma
I thank You, I choose to thank YOU because I've tasted before I've seen
I've tasted before I've seen.

It's been a tiring, saddening, but rewarding day.

Ling: "Like karma."
Mel: "Yeah it'll come around. It always does."

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