you are right all the time, aren't you? and i am wrong and selfish to the bone

I've had my share of long and black days this week- yet God is constantly reminding to take my focus off them.
He's encouraging me to look at the people who love me and to forgive the people who don't.
He gives me someone to hold onto everytime I go through shit.
There was not a single day when I didn't have anyone to rely on and I'm crazy thankful for that.
Tonight I ate my boiled egg and I just savoured every single bite.
I had forgotten how good it tasted because I had been focusing on the complexities of life, it's these complexities that I have been focusing on when the simple things were always there, waiting for me to stop and appreciate them.
As I ate, I remembered that the Lord's joy is my strength.
This joy: the hope that He loves me dearly and that He'll never leave me no matter what.
My faith is reassured because He gave me Bridget, Kelly, my parents and Angel to be there for me.
We go through 'purgatory' but look: Bliss comes along, hand in hand with it.
That egg was bliss, being home was bliss, being enveloped in Bridget+Kelly's bear hug was bliss.
Many times we rush through life, hardly stopping to say "Thank you Lord for the day that You have made" and I guess this was a 'kick' that God initiated to make me listen and to be still in His presence.

Sometimes we are broken down even if we gave our best.
Sometimes we don't think about others when we are engulfed by emotions.
We apologise and try to make them understand but the 'but(s)' and 'still' keep hurling themselves at you.
Most of the time we think we're right when everyone's in the wrong.
Sometimes you get singled out as being the emotional wreck.
Because you refuse to be broken down by accusations that seemed so true on the surface but yet, they just didn't want to listen anymore.
Yet you choose to walk away because it's no point speaking anymore, because you don't want to say Sorry for the sake of saying it.
Because it was just an honest mistake but yet they don't.stop.tearing.you.down.
Now the tears that they shed are of no value because they did.not.stop.tearing.you.down.
Now the regret that you feel is of no more weightage to me because you.did.not.stop.
Where did the meaning of that mind+heart fuck go
Whose face did the hurtful words end up slapping?
But I will turn my left cheek and offer it as a sacrifice to your burning Pride.

I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along 

throw your weight around means "to be unpleasantly self-assertive"
what if I told you that your self-righteousness is what has been hindering me from helping you peel those scales off your eyes?
(oh no, you wouldn't listen.)
thus
i give up.
p/s: God gives grace to the humble but opposes the proud

Bunnies are quiet animals with tempers

_maybe i would've been something you'd be good at
maybe you would've been something i'd be good at_

This is my own corner.

The Fine Arts section.

Opposite me are books about Watercolour and I’m currently leaning on the sharp edges of ‘Arabesques: Decorative Art In Morocco’.

But it’s a sort of pain that I appreciate. This pain tells me I’m aware of my surroundings.

And I am indeed.

It feels too good to be in a massive bookstore teeming with people and yet, have a corner with sufficient lighting to write a blog entry at- all to myself.

It’s almost romantic.

I’m in a bookstore. A bookstore.

Where secrets and wonderlands can only be found in words.

Words make us cry, make us laugh, let us understand ideas and perceptions… Here, words are sacred.

After two whole hours of being a firecracker, sitting in the most heartwarming silence is what I really need.

Just to listen.

Just simply having time for myself.

Just being in the presence of mankind’s genius ideas and even riding on modern globalization's intangibility – everything can be found here.

And guess what?

I’m not even on the verge of getting chased out:)

I’m thankful for having Quan, Bacon, Jon and Junhao.

We’re not the most connected band now but we are striving to be.

Have you heard? We are the SEX – ahem!!!

I mean we are "What Bunnies Do":)

xx

Heart (2)

Darling I’m not the type who plays with jealous fires

Nor the type who needs your attention all day long

I just want to be here, in the centre of your inky black heart

Singing your same strange song

Darling I’m no Joan of Arc

Who saves you from getting bruised

But I could be your favourite tourniquet

The one you can trust when you come loose

I can’t do anything big

Although that’s what I’ve always hoped to achieve

But I know I could eradicate your kind of poverty

The kind that’s got your heart on its knees

July 24, 2010

5:58 PM

Kinokuniya

"Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." - Proverbs 4:23

photo credits: kelly v-c

A Happy Runner is one who (has):

+ Time

+ An MP3/iPod with good music

+ Track Suggestions to pace your breath with: 

You&I - Anarbor

   Nineteen - Tegan&Sara

The Violet Hour - Seawolf

Your Grace Is Enough - Chris Tomlin

OMG - Usher ft. Will.I.Am

Meet Me On The Equinox - Death Cab For Cutie

+ Lives in a neighbourhood you can explore like mad

+ Monkeys and dog walkers in the neighbourhood

+ Loads of fresh air streaming in and out of your lungs

+ Zero afternoon sun 

(6.30 PM till night = pure azure skies and cool breezes as you run)

+ A good pair of running shoes!!!

+ A nice, cold shower

To start becoming a Happy Runner you must (have):

+ A schedule and checklist with little boxes by the side

(check the 'missions' that you have completed)

+ Determination

+ Watch your diet

+ Enough sleep 

(cos it's so good)

+ Patience with yourself:

What I've learnt after reading The Dieter's Prayer Book by Heather Harpham Kapp is that I must have patience with myself.

Page 18 and 19:

"It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way." - Proverbs 19:2

A Prayer for Power:

"Dear God,

thank You that even when I am impatient or foolish,

when I am so zealous to see results

that I rush things and miss the way altogether,

You forgive me and help me

to find the right path again.

Today I pray that You would grant me

the wisdom, will and patience

to persevere in the process of change.

Help me to accept where I am right now.

With Your power at work within me,

I can keep my eyes on my true goal:

to becomes the best me I can be-- for You!

Today I embrace Your loving intentions for me,

and I put all my hope in Your good and perfect timing.

Amen."

+ Change your image:

not because of what someone said or

because of those Victoria Secret models you see on TV.

Page 92 and 93:

"Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "Why did you make me like this?"" - Romans 9:20

A Prayer for Power:

Dear God,

how easy it is to forget that

You made me.

From scratch. From nothing!

One minute I didn't exist; then I did.

And nothing about my body is an accident.

You planned every part of me.

Forgive me for feeling angry about some of the traits I have.

Help me to change my perspective, Lord.

Before I consider drastic medical interventions,

help me first learn to accept

and even appreciate my physical characteristics.

You didn't intend for me to look like anyone else!

Today I choose to stop worrying and fussing

about that physical "problem" I focus on so much.

I surrender it to You,

and I open my conscience, understanding and emotions

to receive Your perfect wisdom for me.

I thank You that I am not what I look like to me.

I am what I look like to You.

Beauty really is in the eye of the Beholder.

Amen."

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Psalm 139:14

Suddenly I'm reminded about how God loves each and everyone of us and that 'nothing about my body is an accident'.

Suddenly I understand that God knew exactly what He was doing and that He had exactly this me in mind long before I came to exist.

And each day, I will learn to love my body and to cherish it because this honours the One who made it.

How deprived I would have been without spiritual guidance.

So here I am, sharing it with you.

Good day

x

"What if God isn't a feeling?"

Today I won 3rd place in a floral art competition organised by Nanyang Primary School and the Singapore Garden Festival.
Kelly and my mom are very proud of me so really, I have nothing to complain about.
I was hoping to achieve second place but I was pinalised because I didn't clear my table properly (woteva)
Still, the trophy felt smooth and heavy in my hands and I have to say I am satisfied with my work.
At least my mom is happy. That's all that matters:)
Vanida is coming over tonight and we are going to buy hair dye at Jelita.
Jelita is one of my favourite places in the world because it reminds me of the times when my mom would bring me to Delifrance and I'd always choose the blueberry tart and croissant with egg mayo filling.
My mom has done so much for me and I'm really glad that she's happy with what I've achieved today.
Kelly & I had an hour of amazement on the sixth floor of the Suntec Convention Centre (see photos).
I will be posting more photos when Kelly uploads them.
I think everybody should go to the SGF because it's just breathtaking.

I'd like to share a blogpost written by one of my favourite writers (whom I found online).

When God Isn't... by Anne Jackson

I'm at this point of my life where I have to do things quickly.

Patience and time are parallel to each other - and they are both running out.

I go about doing my own things because God just doesn't show up.

Then again, I haven't been listening.

I haven't been tuning My Heart Radio to match His.

Suddenly I'm living the way I had been living life in P5 again.

Everything revolves around me.

Me, selfish me.

I've been waiting for an emotional high.

For something that POPS!

For something that can take me higher for just a teeny while.

After I read Anne Jackson's blogpost, I re-read the words: "What if God isn't a feeling?"

Then the words "Resting" and "Being" hit me.

God is THAT simple and yet, He never fails to empower me all over again.

1 Kings 19:11-13 says:

""The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire, and after the fire came a gentle whisper."

I flipped my "BRMC CAMP 2009" notes open and I'm so glad I took down those notes.

'The Sound of Silence'

(1) God shouts

(2) God comes in a gentle whisper

(3) Either way, God is always with you

* God isn't only the God of the extraordinary, but also God of the ordinary.

* God speaks in the silence: it's a language of the heart and Spirit which gives you direction for your future like a compass.

Dear Lord, I'm willing to listen.

I'm willing to start all over again:)

i hate the fact that i can't be there for you
i hate that sometimes i forget about you
and the word 'forget' scares me
bcos it just happens.
and i have no control over it
say it's an excuse but it's still gonna be true no matter what

it's so tiring keeping up with everyone
i hate how you say i'm not there anymore
when you haven't even spoken a word to me for three weeks straight
can you do some fucking self reflection
look at your bloody face in the mirror
no, not face - look at your heart, your hands

i'll always remember this moment
this moment when i'm sixteen going onto seventeen
that i was waiting all along for people to reciprocate


dear person whom i'm gonna love
please come into my life soon
i've been praying for you
i hope you're a good one
i hope you're what God wants me to have
i hope you love me back.

Love takes a teeny bit of time
Just a teeny bit
It doesn't fall right into place just yet
But soon, soon
Friends for every season
There's nothing to be sad about

vulnerable

The day I die will be like a Birthday that never ends

A Complaint/I-Feel-Sorry-For-You Post

Right now, I have to deal with prioritising stuff.
And do you know what sucks?

When I don't prioritize the 'right' thing, I'm hit with words that subtly hint:
a) You don't mean anything to me
b) I choose friends over family
c) I don't wanna be around you

Who the hell are you to tell me I'm a shitty friend?
Who are you to assume what you mean to me?
Who the heck are you to say that I'm reluctant to stay with you guys when I've always been there?
It's just one bloody night.
And if I go with you because I want your tongue to stop wagging, then it's just sad.
It just shows how you choose to condemn me in front of everybody else.
It just shows how loud you're shouting to be heard - oh and you're heard alright but you don't mean more than I do.

---

I'm tired of how people keep getting the recognition and when it's time to let someone else have it, they show faces as black as Lucifer.
And I watch as their pride swallows them whole just because others get to have the limelight for awhile.
Their eyes scream blue murder and their feet are stamping madly under the table.
As I grow older, I'm starting to see how people drink Envy for tea and it leaves them bitter.
Do you know what I mean?
It's like people snack on envious thoughts for tea time, or whenever they are free.

The limelight desperado has never gotten much attention - but when people do, they do not give wholeheartedly.
Why?
Because they see through you like glass.
And hell, they're tired of it.
So they rather hold you together than see you shatter.
Because when you do fall to pieces (oh my), it creates a raging ruckus only God can still.

REASONS

Why Angel cannot own a dog:
1) She doesn't want to trim its hair because she wants it to become a ball of fur
2) People might mistake the dog for a carpet and step on it
3) Its hair will grow so long that it trips on its own hair and it won't be able to walk
4) It will fall on its nose
5) Its mouth will be like some water tap on hot days
6) It's.just.plain.torturous.

yesterday

i:

had friends over and we finished our vc photo-taking project

did half an hour of vocal warm ups in the toilet

learnt Paramore's My Heart on the guitar

spent time with my rabbit and let it discover the garden inside the house

read up on rabbits (how to train your rabbit to use a litter box / how to cut your rabbit's nails / how rabbits communicate)

went to 3-inch-sin + island creamery with Angel

sat on steps outside a pub and told her she cannot own a dog (see reasons)

came home, watched youtube videos about rabbits and laughed like mad

and right now at 10.37 on tuesday morn,

i:

am still thinking about my rabbit

am excited about TC this evening

feel smart after having read essays about capital punishment in IVP class

am waiting for jeddy to come back with my waffle

am damn excited about practising guitar + changing strings tomorrow with Michael my curly haired friend

---

aww man did i say life's good when you have a rock band?
it's like a Life Bonus!
family (+++)
friends (++)
boyfriend (-1) LOL
rock band (+++)

{ And love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah }


If God knows the longings that we humans have, then I'm sure He knows why my heart yearns for something more in this season of my life.
It's just the way I'm made.
I agree that all humans were made to be sexual beings and most importantly, made to have relationships.
And Kelly said a very important statement last night: No humans can go through their life without love.
Whether its Agape, Eros, Philia or Storge: all of us must have had a longing for all four before dying.


I guess now I'm focusing on Eros, which I am wrong to do so because there is a timing for everything, and it will all be "made beautiful in His time".
Once again I'm rushing through loads of stuff, stuff that I want but may not need.
And if I do get what I want, I'll probably regret it.
Prevention is better than the cure:)


"He's probably been there all along, but maybe it's not the right time. You just have to continue living your life."
Kelly and Bridget both do not want me to get my heart broken and I gotta say, I'm really blessed to have friends in SP to catch me when I let go of myself. 
Friends who understand why I turn to other things because I wanna fill up that hole in my heart and friends who definitely show me that... God is the only one who can.


Miss Wee wants us to write a personal decalogue and one of my 10 personal truths is inspired by this verse:

{ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (the church) to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. }

- Ephesians 5:26+27

And that particular moral 'commandment' goes like this: 
I'll know that I've scored the best man on Earth when I lose my first kiss at the marriage altar.


xx