X marks my fate

August 2010 Final Post

2010-08-15T14:32:00.000+08:00

Woah it's been a year since I started this blog.
I keep all my blogs so when I have the time, I go back to read the posts and I'm actually quite amazed at how I'm growing as a person.
Whether spiritually or mentally, it's something that has taken lots of time. I mean, all my time.
So by keeping my blogs, I have the chance to go back to that very moment.

I'm also growing by doing this, because I'm learning to accept the person I was before, the person I've always been.
I'm looking at the regrets I've had and well, bluntly put, telling them to fuck off because everyone's gotta move on.
I get to remember people who were at that time, perfect to me and even though I have lost some of them, at least I got to keep the good times.
Doesn't mean they're not 'perfect' to me now. It's just that.. they're not for me in this season of life.

I even see how my music selection has changed. My iTunes years ago was full of mainstream crap and it influenced me to see Hollywood in a way that made me look at my body negatively.
Now, the songs I have are written by the best songwriters around who have the same insecurities and desires as I do - and these are the people who I look up to.
These people are normal but yet, they write lyrics that are relatable and mind blowing. They write tunes that stir hearts and honestly, my music has subtly 'taught' me to forgive myself.
Shut up Rihanna, shut up Kanye - songs about boobs and money are so yesterday.

"Seriously, they're just boobs. Everyone second person in the world has them, what's the fuss?" - Julia Roberts in Notting Hill

Anyway, I also get to remember the shit I went through, to remember the propensities for unleashing mindless wrath packages at people and think back and just praise God that I had to go through the fire to be refined.
And to even remember how these friends and family have tolerated and built me up to be who I am today.
And His work in me isn't done yet; Lord I'm waiting to witness more of Your works in my life:)

So here I go.
I'll be keeping this blog because I cannot bear to part with my writing.
Yes my posts are my babies. They're gonna grow older soon.
You can watch me make newer babies at http://easylust.tumblr.com :)

Kissbigkisssmallkisskisskisskissxx,
how you've always remembered the owner of this blog as,
Ling :)

indie day with phoenix/over the rhine & alanis morissette

2010-08-11T11:16:00.000+08:00

Revecka (1): one of my fave models + modern day pin up girl
She is married to Khoi Nguyen, tattoo artist from L.A. Ink

Revecka (2)

Revecka (3)

R(4)

R(5)

did a teeny bit of song writing and sketching over the past two days
corns are starting to grow on my fingertips again and they are sore;(
i'll start painting my sketch this afternoon;)

i'm afraid that things may start to change once someone gets mad at someone else
i must say that i don't want anything bad to happen
because all of us make mistakes, all of us do stupid things from time to time
i can only hope that forgiveness will be what you choose
(dear reader: don't worry, i wasn't the one who made the mistake and duh it's somebody else)

How to know A Liling's Dream Person in a Moment:
here's a lil something i'd like to write about
say this out verbally with pauses at the beginning of every sentence
1. drink some water
2. be calm and get into the mood
3. say+read at the same time
4. that's my dream person

START

you are indie
phoenix
phoenix is good
whisper: (independent)

you are well-meaning
aw!ful
and ..weird

you are
imperfect
but amazing
boring
yet ridiculous at the same time

you have your moments of quiet
and crazy riotous living

look at yourself in the mirror
your stomach
your face
and even your...
thing:) (smile as you say this)

you are
imperfect
but amazing
at the same time
you should be my bitch
shout: BITCH!

THE END
hahahahaha sigh i've had my fun

last night: Nida+Shawn+lemur boy+Sen+CY+Kenneth+WH+me
we were loafing around but yes in the end we did what we normally did
we watched a movie!
Avatar was pretty cute in its own way and i'm just so inspired to be a water bender now
i've always liked water, if i could be any animal in the sea, i'd be a great white shark
so tonight i'll be seeing Quan and the gang
Quan owes me an explanation or he's gonna get body slammed
;)

happy day(L)

dreamdreamdream

2010-08-09T22:29:00.000+08:00

A Couple Of Strokes

I got butterflies in my tummy when I saw this

"I may feel like a fool, but I'm the only one dancing with you"

wotcha lookin' at!

X-Ray

this lady must be screwed to be taking so much med

Feels like they're gonna burst in my face

Spirit of Freedom

David Gerstein is an Israeli artist.
Yknow that sculpture at the intersection of Raffles Quay, Collyer Quay and Marina Boulevard? That was done by him:)
Last but not least, my fave piece by David Gerstein:

Burning Lips

kiss this car (L)
it's plain sex cruising down your street
MercedesBenz SLK

It has been a day since I got back from Penang and it's Singapore's National Day today.
My mom woke me up at 11 this morning and we went for lunch at Cycle&Carriage.
These were the art pieces that were hung up all around the place.
- -

I attended my cousin's wedding in Penang and it was the best wedding dinner that I have ever attended.
It didn't accomodate as many people as Will's wedding but because it didn't, it felt way more personal.
There was a dance floor and my mom and the groom's mom danced.
I took photos with pretty cool people too.
I really really loved how they were so bubbly and stylish:)
And I look starstruck. Shut up.

Told me his name is Walter or something

Anonymous + me + Leonie

Me and Shuhan jiejie

Hello there again

This holiday I've been learning things.
Learning to be humble when I have achieved something, learning that our words should always be edifying and encouraging, learning to be strong, to be disciplined (when it comes to my individual writing projects) and to just... have time for my family, friends and myself.
I've also learnt to forgive myself because God doesn't blame me when I fail myself:)
I definitely have to get a job over these 3 weeks of holiday.
I'm determined to carry on working out and December shall be the month I shout "Oh glory!"
And I have to get new heels. My mom rammed over my favourite ones with her stupid car. Duh, of course I cried like crap.

This week is gonna be a good one.
Tuesday = theatre rehearsal
Wednesday = dinner+movie with Angel, Quan, Joel, Mimi and Sohei
Saturday = jamming with What Bunnies Do
Sunday = church + filming for camp video
Thursday+Friday=(?)

All I wanna do right now is partyyy, gulp down a few 'Blowjobs' and just..chill with my mates
Just take off into the night with 6 inch heels, money, my best makeup + glitzy clothes and definitely best friends
Ride around in supermarket carts with fireworks on the beach
Have a few kisses in between if there's somebody to love
And we shan't come home till about 7 in the mornin'
No sleepin allowed

(sorry i haven't been the best christian around but girls just wanna have..mm..fun)

SINGFEST 2010

2010-08-05T14:45:00.000+08:00

I watched Katy Perry and I just teared like crazy.
She's my fave performer, hands down<3

you are right all the time, aren't you? and i am wrong and selfish to the bone

2010-07-30T22:18:00.001+08:00

I've had my share of long and black days this week- yet God is constantly reminding to take my focus off them.
He's encouraging me to look at the people who love me and to forgive the people who don't.
He gives me someone to hold onto everytime I go through shit.
There was not a single day when I didn't have anyone to rely on and I'm crazy thankful for that.
Tonight I ate my boiled egg and I just savoured every single bite.
I had forgotten how good it tasted because I had been focusing on the complexities of life, it's these complexities that I have been focusing on when the simple things were always there, waiting for me to stop and appreciate them.
As I ate, I remembered that the Lord's joy is my strength.
This joy: the hope that He loves me dearly and that He'll never leave me no matter what.
My faith is reassured because He gave me Bridget, Kelly, my parents and Angel to be there for me.
We go through 'purgatory' but look: Bliss comes along, hand in hand with it.
That egg was bliss, being home was bliss, being enveloped in Bridget+Kelly's bear hug was bliss.
Many times we rush through life, hardly stopping to say "Thank you Lord for the day that You have made" and I guess this was a 'kick' that God initiated to make me listen and to be still in His presence.

Sometimes we are broken down even if we gave our best.
Sometimes we don't think about others when we are engulfed by emotions.
We apologise and try to make them understand but the 'but(s)' and 'still' keep hurling themselves at you.
Most of the time we think we're right when everyone's in the wrong.
Sometimes you get singled out as being the emotional wreck.
Because you refuse to be broken down by accusations that seemed so true on the surface but yet, they just didn't want to listen anymore.
Yet you choose to walk away because it's no point speaking anymore, because you don't want to say Sorry for the sake of saying it.
Because it was just an honest mistake but yet they don't.stop.tearing.you.down.
Now the tears that they shed are of no value because they did.not.stop.tearing.you.down.
Now the regret that you feel is of no more weightage to me because you.did.not.stop.
Where did the meaning of that mind+heart fuck go
Whose face did the hurtful words end up slapping?
But I will turn my left cheek and offer it as a sacrifice to your burning Pride.

I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along

throw your weight around means "to be unpleasantly self-assertive"
what if I told you that your self-righteousness is what has been hindering me from helping you peel those scales off your eyes?
(oh no, you wouldn't listen.)
thus
i give up.
p/s: God gives grace to the humble but opposes the proud

Bunnies are quiet animals with tempers

2010-07-24T20:36:00.000+08:00

_maybe i would've been something you'd be good at
maybe you would've been something i'd be good at_

This is my own corner.

The Fine Arts section.

Opposite me are books about Watercolour and I’m currently leaning on the sharp edges of ‘Arabesques: Decorative Art In Morocco’.

But it’s a sort of pain that I appreciate. This pain tells me I’m aware of my surroundings.

And I am indeed.

It feels too good to be in a massive bookstore teeming with people and yet, have a corner with sufficient lighting to write a blog entry at- all to myself.

It’s almost romantic.

I’m in a bookstore. A bookstore.

Where secrets and wonderlands can only be found in words.

Words make us cry, make us laugh, let us understand ideas and perceptions… Here, words are sacred.

After two whole hours of being a firecracker, sitting in the most heartwarming silence is what I really need.

Just to listen.
Just simply having time for myself.
Just being in the presence of mankind’s genius ideas and even riding on modern globalization's intangibility – everything can be found here.

And guess what?

I’m not even on the verge of getting chased out:)

I’m thankful for having Quan, Bacon, Jon and Junhao.
We’re not the most connected band now but we are striving to be.
Have you heard? We are the SEX – ahem!!!
I mean we are "What Bunnies Do":)

xx

Heart (2)
Darling I’m not the type who plays with jealous fires
Nor the type who needs your attention all day long
I just want to be here, in the centre of your inky black heart
Singing your same strange song

Darling I’m no Joan of Arc
Who saves you from getting bruised
But I could be your favourite tourniquet
The one you can trust when you come loose

I can’t do anything big
Although that’s what I’ve always hoped to achieve
But I know I could eradicate your kind of poverty
The kind that’s got your heart on its knees

July 24, 2010
5:58 PM
Kinokuniya

"Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." - Proverbs 4:23

2010-07-19T19:46:00.000+08:00

photo credits: kelly v-c

A Happy Runner is one who (has):

+ Time

+ An MP3/iPod with good music

+ Track Suggestions to pace your breath with:

You&I - Anarbor

Nineteen - Tegan&Sara

The Violet Hour - Seawolf

Your Grace Is Enough - Chris Tomlin

OMG - Usher ft. Will.I.Am

Meet Me On The Equinox - Death Cab For Cutie

+ Lives in a neighbourhood you can explore like mad

+ Monkeys and dog walkers in the neighbourhood

+ Loads of fresh air streaming in and out of your lungs

+ Zero afternoon sun

(6.30 PM till night = pure azure skies and cool breezes as you run)

+ A good pair of running shoes!!!

+ A nice, cold shower

To start becoming a Happy Runner you must (have):

+ A schedule and checklist with little boxes by the side

(check the 'missions' that you have completed)

+ Determination

+ Watch your diet

+ Enough sleep

(cos it's so good)

+ Patience with yourself:

What I've learnt after reading The Dieter's Prayer Book by Heather Harpham Kapp is that I must have patience with myself.

Page 18 and 19:

"It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way." - Proverbs 19:2

A Prayer for Power:

"Dear God,

thank You that even when I am impatient or foolish,

when I am so zealous to see results

that I rush things and miss the way altogether,

You forgive me and help me

to find the right path again.

Today I pray that You would grant me

the wisdom, will and patience

to persevere in the process of change.

Help me to accept where I am right now.

With Your power at work within me,

I can keep my eyes on my true goal:

to becomes the best me I can be-- for You!

Today I embrace Your loving intentions for me,

and I put all my hope in Your good and perfect timing.

Amen."

+ Change your image:

not because of what someone said or

because of those Victoria Secret models you see on TV.

Page 92 and 93:

"Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "Why did you make me like this?"" - Romans 9:20

A Prayer for Power:

Dear God,

how easy it is to forget that

You made me.

From scratch. From nothing!

One minute I didn't exist; then I did.

And nothing about my body is an accident.

You planned every part of me.

Forgive me for feeling angry about some of the traits I have.

Help me to change my perspective, Lord.

Before I consider drastic medical interventions,

help me first learn to accept

and even appreciate my physical characteristics.

You didn't intend for me to look like anyone else!

Today I choose to stop worrying and fussing

about that physical "problem" I focus on so much.

I surrender it to You,

and I open my conscience, understanding and emotions

to receive Your perfect wisdom for me.

I thank You that I am not what I look like to me.

I am what I look like to You.

Beauty really is in the eye of the Beholder.

Amen."

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Psalm 139:14

Suddenly I'm reminded about how God loves each and everyone of us and that 'nothing about my body is an accident'.

Suddenly I understand that God knew exactly what He was doing and that He had exactly this me in mind long before I came to exist.

And each day, I will learn to love my body and to cherish it because this honours the One who made it.

How deprived I would have been without spiritual guidance.

So here I am, sharing it with you.

Good day

"What if God isn't a feeling?"

2010-07-17T18:59:00.002+08:00

Today I won 3rd place in a floral art competition organised by Nanyang Primary School and the Singapore Garden Festival.
Kelly and my mom are very proud of me so really, I have nothing to complain about.
I was hoping to achieve second place but I was pinalised because I didn't clear my table properly (woteva)
Still, the trophy felt smooth and heavy in my hands and I have to say I am satisfied with my work.
At least my mom is happy. That's all that matters:)
Vanida is coming over tonight and we are going to buy hair dye at Jelita.
Jelita is one of my favourite places in the world because it reminds me of the times when my mom would bring me to Delifrance and I'd always choose the blueberry tart and croissant with egg mayo filling.
My mom has done so much for me and I'm really glad that she's happy with what I've achieved today.
Kelly & I had an hour of amazement on the sixth floor of the Suntec Convention Centre (see photos).
I will be posting more photos when Kelly uploads them.
I think everybody should go to the SGF because it's just breathtaking.

I'd like to share a blogpost written by one of my favourite writers (whom I found online).

When God Isn't... by Anne Jackson

I'm at this point of my life where I have to do things quickly.

Patience and time are parallel to each other - and they are both running out.

I go about doing my own things because God just doesn't show up.

Then again, I haven't been listening.

I haven't been tuning My Heart Radio to match His.

Suddenly I'm living the way I had been living life in P5 again.

Everything revolves around me.

Me, selfish me.

I've been waiting for an emotional high.

For something that POPS!

For something that can take me higher for just a teeny while.

After I read Anne Jackson's blogpost, I re-read the words: "What if God isn't a feeling?"

Then the words "Resting" and "Being" hit me.

God is THAT simple and yet, He never fails to empower me all over again.

1 Kings 19:11-13 says:

""The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire, and after the fire came a gentle whisper."

I flipped my "BRMC CAMP 2009" notes open and I'm so glad I took down those notes.

'The Sound of Silence'

(1) God shouts

(2) God comes in a gentle whisper

(3) Either way, God is always with you

* God isn't only the God of the extraordinary, but also God of the ordinary.

* God speaks in the silence: it's a language of the heart and Spirit which gives you direction for your future like a compass.

Dear Lord, I'm willing to listen.

I'm willing to start all over again:)

2010-07-15T20:30:00.000+08:00

i hate the fact that i can't be there for you
i hate that sometimes i forget about you
and the word 'forget' scares me
bcos it just happens.
and i have no control over it
say it's an excuse but it's still gonna be true no matter what

it's so tiring keeping up with everyone
i hate how you say i'm not there anymore
when you haven't even spoken a word to me for three weeks straight
can you do some fucking self reflection
look at your bloody face in the mirror
no, not face - look at your heart, your hands

i'll always remember this moment
this moment when i'm sixteen going onto seventeen
that i was waiting all along for people to reciprocate

dear person whom i'm gonna love
please come into my life soon
i've been praying for you
i hope you're a good one
i hope you're what God wants me to have
i hope you love me back.

2010-07-13T11:01:00.000+08:00

Love takes a teeny bit of time
Just a teeny bit
It doesn't fall right into place just yet
But soon, soon
Friends for every season
There's nothing to be sad about

vulnerable

2010-07-10T20:52:00.000+08:00

The day I die will be like a Birthday that never ends

A Complaint/I-Feel-Sorry-For-You Post

2010-07-08T21:29:00.000+08:00

Right now, I have to deal with prioritising stuff.
And do you know what sucks?

When I don't prioritize the 'right' thing, I'm hit with words that subtly hint:
a) You don't mean anything to me
b) I choose friends over family
c) I don't wanna be around you

Who the hell are you to tell me I'm a shitty friend?
Who are you to assume what you mean to me?
Who the heck are you to say that I'm reluctant to stay with you guys when I've always been there?
It's just one bloody night.
And if I go with you because I want your tongue to stop wagging, then it's just sad.
It just shows how you choose to condemn me in front of everybody else.
It just shows how loud you're shouting to be heard - oh and you're heard alright but you don't mean more than I do.

---

I'm tired of how people keep getting the recognition and when it's time to let someone else have it, they show faces as black as Lucifer.
And I watch as their pride swallows them whole just because others get to have the limelight for awhile.
Their eyes scream blue murder and their feet are stamping madly under the table.
As I grow older, I'm starting to see how people drink Envy for tea and it leaves them bitter.
Do you know what I mean?
It's like people snack on envious thoughts for tea time, or whenever they are free.

The limelight desperado has never gotten much attention - but when people do, they do not give wholeheartedly.
Why?
Because they see through you like glass.
And hell, they're tired of it.
So they rather hold you together than see you shatter.
Because when you do fall to pieces (oh my), it creates a raging ruckus only God can still.

2010-07-06T10:53:00.000+08:00

REASONS

Why Angel cannot own a dog:
1) She doesn't want to trim its hair because she wants it to become a ball of fur
2) People might mistake the dog for a carpet and step on it
3) Its hair will grow so long that it trips on its own hair and it won't be able to walk
4) It will fall on its nose
5) Its mouth will be like some water tap on hot days
6) It's.just.plain.torturous.

yesterday

i:

had friends over and we finished our vc photo-taking project

did half an hour of vocal warm ups in the toilet

learnt Paramore's My Heart on the guitar

spent time with my rabbit and let it discover the garden inside the house

read up on rabbits (how to train your rabbit to use a litter box / how to cut your rabbit's nails / how rabbits communicate)

went to 3-inch-sin + island creamery with Angel

sat on steps outside a pub and told her she cannot own a dog (see reasons)

came home, watched youtube videos about rabbits and laughed like mad

and right now at 10.37 on tuesday morn,

i:

am still thinking about my rabbit

am excited about TC this evening

feel smart after having read essays about capital punishment in IVP class

am waiting for jeddy to come back with my waffle

am damn excited about practising guitar + changing strings tomorrow with Michael my curly haired friend

---

aww man did i say life's good when you have a rock band?
it's like a Life Bonus!
family (+++)
friends (++)
boyfriend (-1) LOL
rock band (+++)

2010-07-01T08:25:00.000+08:00

{ And love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah }

If God knows the longings that we humans have, then I'm sure He knows why my heart yearns for something more in this season of my life.
It's just the way I'm made.
I agree that all humans were made to be sexual beings and most importantly, made to have relationships.
And Kelly said a very important statement last night: No humans can go through their life without love.
Whether its Agape, Eros, Philia or Storge: all of us must have had a longing for all four before dying.

I guess now I'm focusing on Eros, which I am wrong to do so because there is a timing for everything, and it will all be "made beautiful in His time".
Once again I'm rushing through loads of stuff, stuff that I want but may not need.
And if I do get what I want, I'll probably regret it.
Prevention is better than the cure:)

"He's probably been there all along, but maybe it's not the right time. You just have to continue living your life."
Kelly and Bridget both do not want me to get my heart broken and I gotta say, I'm really blessed to have friends in SP to catch me when I let go of myself.
Friends who understand why I turn to other things because I wanna fill up that hole in my heart and friends who definitely show me that... God is the only one who can.

Miss Wee wants us to write a personal decalogue and one of my 10 personal truths is inspired by this verse:

{ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (the church) to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. }

- Ephesians 5:26+27

And that particular moral 'commandment' goes like this:
I'll know that I've scored the best man on Earth when I lose my first kiss at the marriage altar.

xx

Father's Day

2010-06-22T13:30:00.004+08:00

A Five-Day-Long Post

Part III

"The Last Post"

from the Black Book

20 June 2KX

For the things I've gone through during these two weeks, I give thanks.

Because it has made me tougher and (not to boast) wiser.

I don't need to shout to be heard.

I don't need to brag to let people recognise my talent & capability.

I don't have to respond when I'm not required to.

I have learnt to listen.

I have learnt to tolerate and to overcome.

That's it.

Overcome.

Suicidal thoughts ran through my head last night, because I embarrassed myself. 'Extreme much.' (I know right.)

I caught myself, and I was actually quite shocked at how my emotions had the ability to bring me close to the edge.

Then I remembered: I have God.

I told Him, "I will choose to trust You, that You can change the situation."

Jia was there and the comfort and the words she said to me were so true and encouraging:) Yayyy (L)

It's Father's Day and I can say that my dad is elated and satisfied.

He put so much time and money into this beautiful wedding - only to take a step back, look at it and say to himself, "All is well."

Chinese New Year 2009

My father is the most hospitable man I have ever known.

He puts other people's needs before him. When my friends came to sleepover, he bought them madeleines and some pastry first thing in the morning before we got up.

He uses his financial resources to help people he hasn't even seen for years - trust issues definitely come in here and it really makes my blood boil if people misuse that trust.

My father is also a great golfer; he shows me that if I'm passionate about something, go for it and DO YOUR BEST.

Work hard at it, train whenever you have the time and you'll eventually hear Kevin Rudolf's "I Made It" soundtrack in your head when people speak your name.

And all this is not achieved because of "man's envy of his neighbour" but of pure passion, sincerity and determination.

Sure, he's a walking chimney with bellows of smoke shimmying out of his mouth now and then but honestly, those cigarette breaks have given me quality time to talk with him about everything under the sun on the deck of our home.

Dad's Birthday 2010

From ODB, on the 20th of June:

1 Thessalonians 2:1-12 says: "We exhorted, and comforted, and charged every one of you, as a father does his own children."

My dad binds our family together: to exhort is "to call near".

My dad listens: to comfort is "to console".

My dad declares his support for me: to charge is "to affirm".

Queen Mary Cruise, Southampton
15 June 2006

Chinese New Year remains as a must to bring everybody together as well as Sunday night dinners.

My father has also played a significant role in my spiritual walk.

If he hadn't given me the freedom to explore Christianity, I wouldn't have grown this much as a person.

Eastern Europe Trip 2008

Pa even takes the time to send me to church every Sunday morning.

The most touching fact is that he waits up for me on late nights when I go out with friends and come home at around twelve to one in the morning (this is when I have concerts that are held at the Expo).

He knows I'm afraid of the dark, so he leaves the light on whenever he's too tired of waiting:)

I feel comforted when I listen to the sound of his firm footsteps thudding up and down the stairs, or even the slight murmuring of the commentator on the Golf Channel at 5 in the morning.

I feel like the most loved little five-year-old girl whenever I'm around him and I'll always remain that way.

I love my Dad and he knows I do.

It's really nothing, to write this post about him after the mini but significant sacrifices he has undergone for me.

Dad and me at present
19 June 2010
Will's Hong Kong Wedding Reception

I'm sitting in a smokey room that doesn't really smell of wine and cheap perfume.

To end off:

Whether it's being ignored on purpose, or being picked to have a debate with: I give thanks because these scales on my eyes have been peeled off and now I can see clearly.

That although this world has its fair share of meanies, God puts them in my life to build me up into a well-meaning individual with self-control, tolerance, sincerity and love.

A drama queen doesn't deserve her title if she can't control the drama, eh? :)

Random:
If I don't make it out alive,
Tell 'em that I've grown stronger and that Heaven is where my treasures are stored in.

John 6:27 says "Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that ENDURES to eternal life."

Love,

Ling

-- End --

Ling's Black Book presents...

2010-06-22T12:29:00.001+08:00

A Five-Day-Long Post

Part II

18 June 2KX

Nikko Hotel

Hong Kong, duh

And indeed, I did get more printed tops!

Causeway Bay's Retrostone was such a great find for accessories and printed tees.

I couldn't stop raving about it.

This crazy shopping spree has unleashed the bimbo side of me and I've spent a massive but reasonable amount of money on the clothes and makeup that I've bought.

Hong Kong's great finds are along little lanes or up a flight of unflattering steps that lead to magical boutique wonderlands for the Shopaholic.

Island Beverley is one more place to grab unique stuff :)

Shopping, I have to say, is sweet, sweet madness.

I didn't write anything for the 19th of June because I was dead tired.

Pictures speak a thousand words anyway.

The captions should do too.

I found this underneath my bra in my luggage

Lunch was undeniably good this time round as well:

Chee Cheong Fun wrapped over crispy dough stick
(I didn't get to try this one):

Corn, mushrooms and greens

Some eggy-tasting cake

I think this is Vegetarian Har Kow. Very yummy:)

Personal Favourite #1: Char Siew Bao

Personal Favourite #2: Crispy dough with chewy Pumpkin

That's a lot of food, I know

Ron smoking squid

They were having a 'photo fight'.
Will tries to cheat by reaching over for her camera.
SEE THAT LOOK ON HIS FACE! :o

"noooooo"

So we went to Causeway Bay after lunch.
The famous Hong Kong tram that I really wish I could've been on.

There was this shop where we could do some stamping.

I loved this place.
It's some Exports chain which sells shoes at a slightly lower price but the clothes weren't very cheap.
This place had so many things and exploring its many corners was just as pleasant:)
Hide-and-Seek would be a good game to play here. Seriously.

Adidas Apparel store. I want this on my room wall.

And then we had some Mango dessert.
Jia Yun's Mango + Coconut Noodle

Da-Sao's Honeydew + Crystal Balls amongst what-nots

This place was a great hit. SHIOKKKK store to shop at, I tell you.
The clothes weren't too expensive and the accessories were whoooots!!!

Examining part of a goose's brain/whatever-that-is

Finally, a fluffy egg tart.

You want? :)

Yeah I don't mind *drools*

Traditional Dragon Beard candy

The uncle was so nice to let us have some for free.
We bought 2 boxes.
You bet my Dad loved it :)

Pot Rouge 02 Calypso Coral Blush

By Bobbi Brown

New make-up is always so purrfect and..

flawless!

Getting ready for the wedding dinner @ Shangri-La

Feeling pretty achieved.
Throw in some glitter dust and tadaa! we be looking FAB <3

Ron wanted a photo all by himself

So I scooted over to Clara and took one with her! Hmmph.

JY's super awezum hair done by Jia

Hello Clara

Smiley smiley:)

Will and Karen K.I.S.S. *awww*

Uncle Charles - Karen's Dad

A fake Diesel bag that I bought from Ladies' Market in Mong Kok
(With Ron being a very good shopping partnet + bargainer)

Swirly night mode on camera

The view outside our room window

To Be Continued...

Ling's Black Book presents...

2010-06-21T17:03:00.001+08:00

A Five-Day-Long Post
Part I

16 June 2KX

Nikko Hotel

Hong Kong

Dear Shawn and Kelsie, if you're reading this, do not bother tagging :)

This trip to Hong Kong was not random: we had the intention of attending my brother's wedding dinner there.

We stayed in Nikko Hotel at Tsim Sha Tsui.

The rooms get complimentary plates of cookies and fruit everyday.

I like the one with the Pink cross

At the train station on the 3rd day:)

Today I saw the most jaw-dropping, show-stopping pair of heels along Tsim Sha Tsui's shopping lanes.

Black and gold is seriously the way to go.

Throw in those secksy military chains and voila! you're ready to strut that street!

I'm just so amazed by fashion and how it has no limits imposed on it.

And make -up as well.

I can't resist it - I just can't flip through a fashion magazine without stopping to give my eyes a treat on every page.

And I go through that magazine really, really slowly and I never want that visual feast to end. *sparkle sparkle*

I've been spending so much time with my family recently.

Today I heard a comment that broke my heart and thwarted my perception of that person but I shrugged it off anyway.

I'm glad I had Ron to talk to :)

There are so many things that I'm discovering about myself and other people.

Sometimes people don't sound nice because, maybe, (frankly and positively) they just don't know how to be nice.

Talking to Ron, Michelle and Lifeng over these two weeks was somewhat of a spiritual encouragement and love at its best.

To have someone listen.

To have someone respond (not laconically) - to have someone help me see others in a positive light; to train my mind to see the good in a person with sincerity. Even if the damage inflicted is on purpose.

I've always been critical and I think it's time to change that.

Hong Kong promises me freshly baked eggtarts in the morning.

I say this because going to Macau for that authentic shit is kinda impossible :(

Tomorrow, those shoes (I hope I pray I WANT) will be mine.

Day One is over because it's 1:07 now.

Jia Hui is my room mate.

Happy Holidays everybody :)

17 June 2KX

Nikko Hotel (again)

Country: Go figure

Today, I'm proud to say that I own that pair of heels.

I'm a happy girl.

I just bought the most psychedelic-ish printed crop top ever and I'm blushing just by looking at it :$ (It knows that I have a major crush on it)

I gotta say that I appreciate the oversized+printed+crop top look much more after trying it on.

It really compliments my frizzy hair and poofy bangs. Sweeeeeet.

This year's Monsoon look is, apparently, the hippie look with headbands and large oversized shirts with loads of colourful rings and bangles thrown in.

Don't forget that crazy bag with loads of patchwork and Persian-carpet-inspired patterns.

Having something plain will cramp its entire style.

Mmm the hippie look isn't one of my faves.

I'll just get giddy while looking at myself in the mirror.

Like if I wear a large tie-dyed shirt and because the most common pattern is centralised in the middle, I'll get hypnotized by my own stomach and I'll literally start falling head over heels.

Then maybe I'll really start seeing stars (why'd you go and put stars in my eyes!) and reliving Saturday night's drunken dreams.

And date a boy named Jack.

OK.

The food here in HK is ah-mazin'.

Chew on this, peaches.

For breakfast we had:

Eggtarts + 'Pineapple' buns (that doesn't taste like pineapple, it's just crusty sugar baked on top)

I look delighted, I know - I am!

Chee Cheong Fun

Lunch was even more satisfying:

Toasted bread with Butter and Condensed Milk drizzled on top
This wins hands down.

Crispy noodles with prawns and tomato ketchup

Cantonese French Toast definitely makes it on my Favorite Food List too

Auntie Nancy slicing that goodness up :O

My mom spent a bomb on dinner this evening:

It was such a beautiful place with a beautiful view.. with a beautiful bill too.

An interesting drink with papaya and soft potato.
Very orange and very pretty:)

Wrapped vegetables

Common Shark's Fin soup

This fishie had its scales on while getting cooked!
I have never seen a fish being cooked without being scaled (yes I know I'm some mountain tortoise).
The waitress definitely peeled those scales off before serving.

I love how every dish is presented so well (except the fish)
Abalone with Mushrooms cut up in cubes.
If I were still five, I would've taken that shiny mussel shell :P

The Laser Show just outside the window from the dining table at 8 o'clock

Dessert was interesting:

Pastry in the somewhat successful impersonation of a Walnut with warm Black Sesame filling

Peanut-shaped Cookie

Sesame Ball with Lotus filling

A little photo editing makes the world a little brighter:)
This Pumpkin shaped Mochi with hot Red Bean filling really caught my attention.

My mom spent a bomb on dinner this evening.
Oh and Jia forces me to give her my hair straightener and her iPhone alarm just makes me go "O.O?! wtfbbqwtfeatshit" the moment I wake up.
Jia is having "act cute time" where she squeals Jia Yun's name over & over.
"Yannie! Yannieeee!"

I must buy more printed crop tops.
Just can't get enough.
:D

To Be Continued...

Will's Wedding Day / 11 June 2010

2010-06-21T12:16:00.001+08:00

Ling + Jo (cousin sister)

Charlene + Diana (that's my sister!) + Ling

One of the twins

The Bridal Car: And so it begins :)

Will + Karen

Jia helping Karen put on one of the Four pieces of jewellery

My mom putting on a Bracelet for Karen
(Bet those bangles weigh a bomb)

Tea Ceremony

Will sipping tea

Karen's very pretty Bridemaids

Family <3

Pa, Mummy, Diana, Ling, Charlene, Alex

Wearing last year's Prom Dress

Clearing my head

2010-06-15T11:16:00.001+08:00

Fact: Everyone has a secret.

And the subject of that tiny little dagger doesn't matter- no matter how small it is, it kills us anyway.
We go crazy as we run after the answer to unravel how this deadly malaise has its way around us.

Whether it's hate towards a person or a whispering sin, whether it's that devillish voice that tells you you're not good enough - we keep it all inside because

we.cannot.afford.to.break.

Life isn't always hard for the belle of the boulevard.
Life is hard for everyone.
Even that moment I hold onto - the moment when I sit in the toilet, crying and letting those suicidal thoughts run through my head.

Even that tiny doubt about whether there is a God kills me inside.
So this week I decided to clear that doubt.
I asked for an answer, a reassurance and I got it.
So everytime I start blaming God for the suffering He puts in my life, I find comfort in that lesson my Sunday School teacher taught just last week.

Michelle guided us through the book of Ecclesiastes, Chapter 1.
And that chapter is titled "Everything Is Meaningless."

Ecclesiastes 1:16 says: "I thought to myself, "Look, I have grown and increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge." Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind.

For with much wisdom

comes much sorrow;

the more knowledge,

the more grief."

Material success is all temporal. I grow up, I do well in my studies, I get a job, get married, have kids and... ... Is.this.it?

Then Michelle said: "There's always a place for Faith. Christianity could be that 90% of truth but if you are going to focus on that 10%, then there's really nothing I can do but all I say is that - There is a place for faith."

So seriously. What the heck is my purpose of being here on Earth?

People tell me that I deem Christianity as a relationship because well, I'm a Christian but if not, it's still a religion.

But honestly, what if we were all created to establish our relationship with the Creator?

As I wrote on my Facebook status:

cos we're too perfect to have come from a Big Bang, cos we're too intricately made to eliminate the idea of a Designer - so much so that we cannot comprehend His works with our finite human mind

Look at a plate. Do you think that it formed and came to be from tiny particles in the air that slowly form to become so perfect, so INTENDED?

Then look at us. We are too wonderfully and fearfully made, we are too intended. We exist. The human anatomy, our EMOTIONS, our ability to FEEL and even cry when a friend is in pain, to make history over the eras that have past, to change the world - and to say that we exist by coincidence just doesn't get me nodding.

We were built for a RELATIONSHIP. Look at OUR relationships that we have with people now - we get disappointed in people from time to time but what if we are offered a perfect love from the Lord of the universe who knows you by name and how many hairs there are on your head?

Point:

God explains the order & purpose in the universe/ God explains the uniqueness of humanity.

That's when we ask ourselves: If God loves us so much (or so He says in John 3:16) why would there be so much shit and suffering in the world?! Yeah, people say trials help to build me up but seriously - what for?!

What other purpose can there be but: finding meaning in suffering?
We have comfort in times of need: We suffer because we know there is a purpose.
To take up that cross everyday the way Jesus did.

To store treasures up in Heaven where rust and moth cannot destroy.

Dear Mr Devil, you who are very beautiful and you who are but a welter of nefarious sin and vitriolic verbiage:
I am vindicated / I am selfish / I am wrong / I am right / I swear I'm right / Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed / But I am cleaning up so well / I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself so clearly

Nothing comes near God's beloved because of His Love.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord <3

If you're Gaga, go Gaga yourself. Let the world go.

2010-06-10T11:57:00.001+08:00

Lady Gaga's Alejandro Video

Katy Perry tweeted:"Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke," Perry tweeted Tuesday.

An article defined Katy Perry as "the singer of 'I Kissed A Girl'".
I agree with this wholeheartedly, this defense has got me raising my hands up: every aspect of sin lies on a single platform; what is graver than the entire essence of sin itself?

But to be a Blasphemer is what I will cry over, is what I will worry about.
Mark 3:29 - But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin.

I watched a documented survey done by MTV and people have voiced their views: they say the video is entirely what Lady Gaga would do and that they are not against it.

Has Lady Gaga Gone Too Far With Her 'Alejandro' Video?

Are.you.kidding.me.
Who gives a shit about her style? I am enraged and I feel that justice has not been done to the Church of this generation.
Why doesn't the world voice their opinions about the inverted cross that the 'nun' swallows?
If MTV is not capable of handling such strong statements against or in defense of 'Alejandro', then I'd rather they didn't put that clip up the net: because it shows an America that sits back and remains neutral about the MEDIA- the media that has the ability to influence the entire world, to 'Hollywood Infect' our minds.
So seriously, I think MTV kinda made the wrong choice by putting this one up.
Redundant to the max.

I commented this on Lady Gaga's Alejandro video on Youtube.

Disenchanted09

56 seconds ago

I think this video is about giving into her flesh, and it really is contradictory when she is portrayed as 'undergoing a struggle', especially when she is committing herself to the inverted cross. In the devil's world, self-control does not exist. But selling the idea of hedonism does.

Dearest Lady Gaga, I hope you read the book of Revelation. Good wins over evil, any day. And when you finally see the Devil, I hope you know he's shorter than you: than all of us actually, in many ways.

How Would You Like Your Lover?

2010-06-07T19:19:00.000+08:00

Darling, when June comes the year after
I will be standing strong on both my feet
Or maybe, just maybe
My soul's gonna fly
Where time don't matter, where tea tastes fine
Where there's good-natured banter and what's mine will always be mine

Darling, when your ice cold winter takes it toll on my spring absorbent heart
There you'll start to love me again
Because being strong is not what I'm good at
But for you, I'll be over this sooner than
You realise
How, he'll, never be me
Ohhh and how, you've, failed to see

Chorus:
So there you go
Take your dirty drunken words
Pour 'em out
Just like you poured all those years right down the drain

There you go
Tearing my heart up
Beating me sore
But there'll be no restraint
Cos you're the only way I stay sane
Yeah you're the only way I stay in-sane
yeahhhh

Baby, if I say I'm not angry, I'm lying
Because truth be told, you've got me hanging
On this noose where my neck don't buckle but yet I'm gasping for breath
Tell me what the hell did I do to deserve this
Tell me how the fuck could you do this
Soooooo
There you go
Take your dirty drunken words
Pour them all down the drain
OHHH
There you go
Tear my heart up
Beat me sore
Cos you're only way I stay sane..
You're the only way I stay sane
You're the reason why I'm going insane
You're the fucked up reason whyyyy

I'm. still. here.
Cos my heart don't matter
Your new love's all that's better
And your happiness is what's causing the clutter
See my tears grow wings and flutter
Just how would you like your lover?
Just how would you like your lover?

7 June 2010
7.16 PM
A song I wrote for a friend.

My God

2010-06-06T18:10:00.000+08:00

June Act wasn't the greatest success but at least people turned up.
It was a number of people that we could get personal with, that we could all introduce ourselves to.
And I'm guessing that it was God's will for that to happen.
I got to know what some people thought about God, which is definitely what we cared about: we wanted a response and if it wasn't the choice of choosing Christ, then at least we had planted a seed in their heart.
Michelle my sunday school teacher would like me to write an article about June Act, so I'll save the juicy highlight and most important message of the article- so I shan't type it here.
Today, as I was worshipping at church, I thought about how my secrets may have disgusted some of my friends.
The word 'disgust' just broke me down immediately.
What I've learnt is that not every friend can accept you for who you are- all your dirtiest secrets must be kept from some people.
Like duh. I make the stupidest mistakes eh.

But I just remembered what Diane told me: I make a mistake then I blame myself like nuts over it but in the end, God turns the situation around and uses me as a blessing in people's lives.
He shows me His grace and that He's got it all in control.
This is a tiny analogy but I was really amazed at what happened:

In class, we worked in teams of four to write a story.

This story must have a problem, a climax and a resolution a.k.a. problem solved.

Person A comes up with a problem, Person B aggravates the situation, Person C ends the story with a solution and Person D serves as an editor.

Every person gets only fifteen minutes to write his or her part and you log it in.

I was Person B. So we used the Blackboard's tools to log in our parts and all my descriptions that added suspense to the climax of the story was erased.

Yes, erased. Apparently the system gave me a tight slap on the face and poof! All that effort I had undergone to write a good (personally, i thought it was good) climax was kapoot. Zero.

I got so annoyed that I wanted to cry right then.

Miss Wee told me to just write two sentences and it was the most abrupt thing I had ever written.

"He tried to find a mop. But NO MOP."

I was thinking "ahhh why does this always happen to me, why God, why ME."

And amidst the worrying, I was teased and at that point I was already boiling. Like at a hundred degrees Celsius.

Miss Wee said "maybe it could be a good thing, who knows!"

So our story was finished in the end and lo and behold, we had the most stunning story that the teacher kept praising continuously, with my two sentences being the most important contributing factor to the birth of such a great, light-hearted story.

Right there, right then, God showed me how He is in control of every single moment in life.
If He can determine where pool balls end up after hitting the cue ball, then imagine how much more control does He have over our lives!
If a game of cue ball requires such a great amount of accuracy and that the Lord Himself MADE ACCURACY and all things 'intangible', imagine how CAREFUL He really is when it comes to our future, even in our crumbly and broken state!

So as I sobbed with hands cupped over my eyes as I stood in worship, my Spirit was in awe of how the Lord can accept me for who I truly am and I asked and BELIEVED with the faith that the Lord will be able to use me for His glory - no matter how broken I am.
Because my God uses the weak to lead the strong.
Because my God is the lifter of my head, the God of change, the God of grace and, ultimately,
the God of Love.

here without you

2010-06-03T23:09:00.003+08:00

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes

The song Cosmic Love draws me into a world that lets my mind fly all the way to the moon, around the world, looking for the One.

The One who can tear me apart and break me down but build me up again in a second.

The One who has all my heart and all my thoughts, before I go to bed and the very moment I wake up- he has it all.

So here I am, in my mother's tiny jewellery room.
Gorging myself on large green grapes, crying and listening to Florence sing her Lungs out in my ears.
And at the same time, I feel so relieved to be talking to Zakaria right now because, he is truly the only thing I've been looking forward to spend time with all day long.
Maybe you think I'm crazy but I don't care.

Cos you're the only face in the crowd I seek out
Your eyes are the only pair of eyes that mine will ever want to lock contact with
You really are the only thing I see right now
Your heart is the only one I want to hold and kiss
3 years, 3 years and on and on we go
Promise me you'll love me
I'll always be foolish for you, I'll always be silly
That's all I'll ever be for you
I'll be that first love and it will never die,
it will never die

2010-05-27T08:13:00.000+08:00

I was on Last.fm and I chanced upon a Christian band Starfield.
Amazing how God can minister to me right here right now: A thought popped into my head as I was listening to "Reign In Us" and God told me "My fingerprints are not only marked on every silent moment like this when you plug in your earphones and listen to My still small voice- My fingerprints seal off every single day that I make, every single day that you live."
Just knowing how the Lord is everywhere, no matter where I am, always there when I need Him- that means a whole lot to me.
Many times we take the Lord for granted but He never forgets about us and He never ceases to provide for our needs.

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper
For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head

2010-05-26T20:13:00.000+08:00

dear conservative us,

we like sex
but we just don't say it

love,
hypocritical screwed person

You are my Hope

2010-05-17T20:47:00.001+08:00

This week I have been living two lives.
These two lives are only evident behind closed doors, in the comfort/danger of God's and my own presence and knowledge.
As I write this, I acknowledge the numerous blog posts and diary entries that I've written about the many times of how temptation has had the better of me.
I find myself living a controversial life; like how Bob Marley wrote influential songs about love and peace but yet, is deemed as the symbol of marijuana.
My point is:
The worst struggle is not about being entirely overwhelmed by the Flesh.
To me, the scariest struggle is the one I am having now - serving two masters: God and my own flesh.
Because I am bought into thinking that my spiritual life is just fine when it's not.
It's like having a split personality and the scary part is that the person himself does not realise it but others do, and it's not only him who suffers the consequences, people around him have to too.
It is a very painful condition and it is not any different from mine in terms of how it feels like.
Just that I'm not hurting anyone around me now, only myself, in the dark corners of my very sinful mind.

Burning a bridge is easy.
But what if you have always grown accustomed to walking on that bridge.
So much so that it becomes a part of you?
Like pain relief.
I walk on that bridge when I have pain in my life.

And here come my famous last words!
Then I realise that the last time I had pain, I looked to hurting myself.
Hurting myself does not equal to pain relief - where is the common sense in that!
Pain relief is looking to the Lord.

What took me so long to get that?!?!?!
Then again, God's Word never ceases to reassure and encourage:

"God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." - John 3:17

"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members...so then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. THEREFORE, there is now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus, because THROUGH CHRIST JESUS the law of the SPIRIT OF LIFE HAS SET ME FREE from the law of sin and death." - Romans 7:21-25 to 8:1-2

This blog entry reminds me that God is bigger than my circumstances; no matter how small or pathetic I deem myself to be: God always sees me as someone who is "more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ".
This blog entry emphasizes on how our weaknesses will never ever hinder the Lord's work through us or His impact on other people through us.
This blog entry is a reminder of how the Lord gives us hope, even in our broken state.

"You are my hope,
hope like no other,
hope like no other,
and it reaches to me."

2010-05-10T23:01:00.000+08:00

"b'cos this breaks me down to my knees"

as we grow older,
we learn to live with pain
pain that will always be a part of us
pain that portrays us as weaklings, failures, good-for-nothings
but yet without this pain, we wouldn't have grown
you wouldn't be standing with me
holding my hand, walking with me through this.
this pain has built you up
so that in turn, you can build me up too
you show me love,
you show me empathy.

sad truth:
without purpose
we are like heroes without goals
a story that's ready to be written on the page but that's just not possible
because there is no motivation, no drive.
we are stagnant
poised, still, perfect for the world's standards
but we long for more
we long for it so much that we grow weak
because as each day passes without success of finding it,
there's really nothing to live for.

i'll say this again:
purpose
that's what everyone gets upset about
that's what throws us off the edge

Lord may we never stop encouraging our friends
because a kind statement goes a long way
it sticks onto my heart and it stays with me forever

you give me a little piece of heaven
and it stays in the 'pocket' which = the importance of our friendship:)

L.O.V.E's just another word I'll never learn to pronounce (NOT)

2010-05-06T22:42:00.001+08:00

Time to put my yellow butterfly lights up.

They have been curled up around the Tiffany lamp for too long.

I wish they were real, with tiny lighted up bulbs for butts.

Fireflies but with even more beautiful wings with red sequins and blue beads stuck on them:)

Yknow, there's always a part of you that you leave with someone.

And when you meet that someone, you feel alive again.

That someone is like a pocket to me.

I put the most important trinkets in it.

When I come back to the pocket, I push my hand in and take those darlings out and I fall in love with them all over again.

But still, it doesn't mean I'm only 'using' the pocket- I love it. I genuinely love it.

I appreciate that pocket for being there, for letting me feel this way.

At the same time, I want to 'give back' to the pocket.

I sew on a sparkly heart or a pretty piece of patchwork on it:)

Like a carrot or Peter Rabbit or something.

That's how important all my friends are to me.

You guys keep this part of me with you and when you guys are with me, I feel so comfortable and appreciated and loved.

Loved. That's the word:)

And these trinkets aren't only mine, some of them have your initials carved on them too.

Like a ring or a bracelet with a charm that has your name on it.

That special part of you that you keep in the pocket you share with me.

My point is: I feel shared among people.

I am under an influence and every single one of you has made me to be who I am over the years/months/weeks.

If someone were to tear away these pockets from me, he'd be tearing away a part of me too.

We are all connected.

You guys make me feel whole.

I love all of you friendsssss (L)

2010-05-03T20:04:00.000+08:00

As I was smoothing out my hair, I was pondering upon a question:

What good are crushes if nothing's ever gonna work out between you & the person in mind?

My answer is nothing.

No good comes out of liking and going head over heels with that person if he/she doesn't like you back.

People tell me "oh that's the fun part about having being a secret admirer".

Once I was naive and I believed what they told me - which I obviously shouldn't have because they didn't realise how much it would hurt if they were to get rejected.

(Talk about using protection.)

I will never ever wear my heart on my sleeves ever again because people bump against it and it gets bruised easily.

Like a toe-may-toe.

So as Chris Crocker once said (I remember this vaguely)

"I've chased Love for too long. So this time, it's gonna chase me."

I won't even admit to myself that I like somebody anymore.

Because I'm a boy-smitten-airhead.

I float about and sometimes, when I'm ready to land, I get blown away in another direction when I think about the possibilities, which are 1% : 99%

1% chance of a relationship, 99% of being avoided by the guy.

It just takes too much of me and because I'm a hopeless romantic, prevention is better than the cure.

That person is going to make it happen.

"Oh but it's kinda fun when the girl goes after the guy!"

Yeah, when you get rejected, you're the joke.

Then when he accepts you, you start thinking about whether he really loves you and your jet black heart.

Can you girls just sit back and enjoy the chase?

We're way better off this way.

Choose the better filtering system.

Eye candy is a treat but love is.. hard to find.

Love is so hard to confirm.

I wonder if love can ever get mixed up with a whole different level of infatuation.

Hello Lust.

"No, in all these things, we are MORE than CONQUERORS through him who loved us."

2010-04-30T09:38:00.000+08:00

In Loving Memory of Melissa Toh
Dearest Melissa,

You have the most amazing smile ever. You're so beautiful and everyone loved you so, so much.
I just wish someone could have told you how you could have looked to all those who loved you instead of that one person.
Because he wasn't worth it.
I didn't know you but right now I'm in a whirlwind of extreme emotions ranging from hate to sympathy.
And I know that's what your family and friends are going through right now.
I pray God's holding you right now, because,

"I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39

Because ultimately, your soul belongs to Jesus, not Satan, who has played a part in all this, who made you believe you're not worth loving or that there's nothing else to live for anymore.

Purpose.
That's the reason why we walk so closely to the edge or even beyond it.

I pray you're in Heaven,
I pray you're surrounded by choruses of angels singing,
"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord",
His love will reign both heaven and earth forevermore.

Servant King

2010-04-28T19:54:00.006+08:00

"Crazy people always meet each other." - Try Sutrisno Foo

I feel thankful to be sitting on a glass table with an intricate mosaic piece engraved on the wall in front of me.
This is the kitchen, a place in the house that has the perfect atmosphere for doing homework or having a heart-to-heart talk.
The best time of the day to sit here doing what you do best is in the evening, with a cup of tea and two mini plates of cut chili and sauce beside it, representing half an hour just before dinner time.
The first two weeks of being in SP has trained me to choose friends carefully.
So this week I've learnt to choose friends who love me for who I am and I'm crazy glad that I've found that God-given bunch.
I'm pretty proud of myself for mixing around with everybody whenever I get the opportunity to.

Janna has been an amazing friend and she's a whole new set of eyes to the world around me.
She sees things from a whole new perspective and I'm sot thankful because she has been the most patient listener ever:)
Janna-banana, you're one of the cooler Malaysians and I love you loads as a friend:)

Also, for the past week, my new friend Try has been the cocoa in a chocolate bar.
Imagine if I were a magpie: Try is like the only sparkly thing among everyone else because he's just as crazy as I am.
He gets my jokes, he appreciates them and TRY'S ENTIRE LIFE IS ABOUT POKEMON (in which Shawn Lui says "ew" to) which is so kewl.
TRISNO, WO YE AI NI :D

So for the past week I've been a "magpie" and I've noticed more sparkly people.
The goal I've set for myself is to get out of my comfort zone and mix around with everyone despite our differences.
Yesterday I acted on achieving my goal: I asked Jed on Facebook if I could have lunch with her and the other girls (awesomeness not ranked by order: Kelly,Elsa,Alicia,Hana,Genevieve,Kerri).
LESS THAN THREE = <3
Honestly, lunch was so much better today (even if Try wasn't there).
And do you know what I'm sure of?
They've got my back.
You could say "geez, it's only the second week and you're trusting them with your whole heart".
I'd say "That's how trustable they are and if I ever lose out, for every painful reality I go through, I have Jesus."
And that's my point: The Lord is my portion and His joy is my strength.

This year I don't wanna be cool.
This year I want to be set aside, I want to be that special someone people can turn to when they feel tired or broken down.
I want to be God's little firefly, His beacon of light that's gonna be used mightily by Him:)

Many times I forget that my body is His holy temple and that the tongue is a dangerous weapon that has the very nature of fire - once let loose, it will destroy everything in its way.
Especially vulgarities. And no temptation is beyond what we can bear.
That means "f" words CAN be eliminated from my dictionary.
Right now I choose to surrender, I choose to be His hands, His feet, His servant who lets Him serve me.
Letting Jesus wash our dirty feet means letting Him take care of us and not think that He has better things to do when we have problems that we need to lay down at His feet.
That's how lovely Jesus is, He delights in serving us even if we're undeserving.
It kinda shows me that Jesus was a human like we all are and that He does not see Himself any higher than us, especially when He was willing to wash His disciple's unclean feet.
And when we surrender and let Him serve us, He shows us areas of our life that we have done wrong in - but in a way that is gentle, that does not break us down harshly because our God is a gentle and compassionate God.
So we don't ever lose out when we surrender to His plan.
This song serves as a reminder to how I should lead my life because I've forgotten to imitate this attitude of worship for too long.

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee;
Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee;
Take my silver and my gold,
Not a mite would I withhold.
Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in endless praise;
Take my intellect and use
Every pow’r as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.

Let me not be a hypocrite, let me bear the cross and to trade the desires of my flesh in exchange with the suffering You went through - because I want to experience a "different kind of happiness".
Which is to take joy and trials as suffering.
Because it's meaingful, because it's worth it.
You are worth it, Lord.

Greater Things Are Yet To Come

2010-04-23T23:31:00.001+08:00

Sharing at cell was about to start when I just HAD TO go to the toilet.
I opened my black notebook to a fresh new page and took a stroll to the Ladies'.
In the toilet, I was obviously doing my business and thanking God about how He has provided me with the time and opportunities to spend time with my friends.
(Honestly, while sitting on the toilet bowl is the best time to think about stuff.)
Like to be able to come for cell, to have been able to spend personal time with Belle, Cara, Kel, Koe and surprisingly, Shawn.
I have never felt more satisfied than to let my friends know that I love them, that I make an effort to make time for them and to catch up or simply goof around.

As I went back to cell and approached my notebook, I noticed a different type of handwriting on it.
Diane (who was sitting next to me) wrote me a note in my book saying that she was glad that I came for cell and that she misses seeing/talking to me.
As I listened to Diane share about her week, I wanted to cry right then.
My heart melted and as it did, all my defenses broke down too.
Because being in SP for the entire week, I had felt so alone even if I am accepted to a certain extent but not to the level that I can call them 'family' just yet.
Diane's note was like a warm hug that represented how my cell accepts me for who I am.

Cell is like family.
Cell is where we'll never grow bored of each other because of God's love that unites us all, we keep learning, we keep picking each other up, we edify each other - we never give up on anybody.
Cell is the epitome of Empathy.
And Empathy is such an important factor to me as a person who has feelings, who has emotions, who makes mistakes, who wants a taste of redemption and forgiveness.
And I'm just amazed and in awe of how, over the years, God has bonded us that the soul ties between us all are so strong, that we can feel each other's hurt not because of the expression upon each other's faces but from the heart. From within our souls.
Cell is like family.
Cell is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm never letting you guys go.

Tonight's lesson was about Choices.
Earlier during the day when I came back from school, I asked God to give me a message that would speak to me.
And today's message was exactly what I needed to hear.
For the entire week, I had been the lousiest Christian ever.
Whether in terms of holding back my tongue, self-control or habitual sin - I failed in all those areas.
So tonight Gerald summed up the lesson saying that "you can make all the worst decisions in your life, but when it comes to the point where you're a hundred years old, the choice you make about spending eternity with God is the most important one. One good decision outweighs all the other bad decisions you've ever made."

So his point was about whether we make the choice to come back to God, to tell Him we're sorry and that after telling Him "i never ever want to talk to you forever, im walking out on You, God", that we realise it can't always be Every Man For Himself 'forever'.
We still need to rely on Someone, it's how we're made.
And I felt so relieved when I understood the lesson because I had made the choice to look to Him again and you know what's awesome about God?
He gives us chance after chance to change.
I have never forgotten what Joseph told me and never will: He puts no limit on the number of chances He gives us, because He loves us enough to let us change, even if we abuse the free will He has given us most of the times - He does not resent the fact that we have made bad decisions, He actually respects them.
Miss Gamar said she doesn't define our mistakes as wrongdoing, she defines them as "mis-take".
So we have another take when we fail the first time round, we get another chance to correct what we've done wrong/ couldn't answer again.

Tonight after cell, Diane and I were talking outside Caltex.
And she told me that she was prompted to tell me that I'm the type of person who does something wrong, realises it then blame myself and ask myself "why am I made this way, why am I like that".
And she told me that I don't have to be afraid of circumstances or making mistakes because truly, my weaknesses are made PERFECT in Jesus and that's all that matters.

"The more weaknesses you have, the more powerful God is in you."

Today we were assigned a piece of work and that is to write 500 words about who you think is your hero and why.
My hero is Jesus:)
Because He has taught me that imperfection can be made perfect in Him.
He has seen all of the wrongdoings I haven't committed yet and have already forgiven them long before they are executed.
That is my Jesus.
That is my hero:)
2nd hero = My Dad/Mom:)

Lord, You're so worth it, and truly, the greatest gift in all my life is knowing You, loving You and serving You.

To be deserving of my heart, you gotta do better than that.

2010-04-21T21:22:00.000+08:00

pink+green individual eye makeup tryout:)

Suddenly being myself around people seems like the hardest thing to do.
Especially when they don't get your jokes, or they don't respond and they take joy in the fact that you're being humiliated.
But now I know that if you have a problem with me, I'm perfectly fine.
If you find that winning attention over is like a competition between you and I, then I'm happy you feel that way.
Because that just means I'm being true, that means I'm being who I've always been:)
So if listening to me speak annoys you, it really doesn't matter - because what matters is what I SAY and not what you say about me.

Now that I'm in DTVM, I wanna be different.
I don't wanna be the person who hangs out with the 'cool minority' and neglect the others.
I'm gonna put myself out there. I'm gonna avoid sticking with a clique and start showing people that they're totally fine, and that they are appreciated.

On another note:
If I could say anything to God, I'd tell Him I'm sorry.
I feel ashamed to say sorry.
I feel ashamed to say I love You Lord.
Because I've said it so many times but yet, it's not enough.
It's not enough because my words represent a whole other agenda from my actions.
I want to stop being a person of such little self-control. I want to start living right.

Tonight my eyes have been opened to Emptiness.
And it stares back at me.
When I look to you, that's the emptiness I see.
When I was blind, the emptiness was a pretty little bedroom filled with candy, a mirror, a perfect reflection, lingerie, perfume and sounds.
But when my eyes are opened, I am staring into the most painful, life threatening black-hole.

Then a light shines through and the darkness flees.
And I know that there is NO PLACE on earth too faraway for us to fall that God cannot find.
Do you know that I run to greet Temptation at the door and Sin stands behind him.
But I tend forget that God's all around.
And now I remember that because Jesus gave Himself up for me, I am worthy of being Loved.

I surrender all to You
I surrender all to You
I am nothing without You
Jesus Christ
Take my life
It's all for You

let me sing only for You alone
let me sing and make sure that the majority of my voice usage is for You alone
and not the world
because it boasts of temporal pleasures
it boasts of its humanity; that there is no room left for improvement
but what You have shown me
is a massive space
for me to grow, mistake after mistake, lesson after lesson
till I am sore and bruised but as I stand at the finish line, I see how I have been refined
let me sing for You, of You alone (L)

Ling wants to go to Alaska

2010-04-18T10:21:00.000+08:00

If this is a new phase of life God wants me to go through, I don't know if I can do it without looking back.
Suddenly time puts an asterik* to every friendship in my life.
It's telling me that it's a definite factor, that it's compulsory.
I don't think friends who haven't spoken to you since forever should ever think that "oh, when we meet up, we naturally click again. So I'm not afraid to be away from you for 3 months and when we're back together again, we'll still be intact."
Intact? Geez. Put in a little effort.
You could be really focused on something but you could be neglecting something else really, really badly.
So my point is about being CARED BACK.
And for other relationships in the miscellaneous category, time has pulled us apart.
Which may be good even if it seems too much for me to bear.
Because you can pull away and when you snap back, there's a 180 degree change in my life and it definitely messes my head up. Alot.
Suddenly I sense there's un-forgiveness in my heart.
I can't forgive myself for being fat most of the time, can't forgive people who don't love me back the way I want them to and I can't forgive the people who take me for granted sometimes.

Today is Sunday.
I'm not at church because my body's aching like mad and my bed has agreed to take me back last night.
I wish I didn't have a phone.
Or the internet.
Then I'll get to see who comes knocking on my door with a massive grin, a picnic basket in hand and flowers in the other saying, "Wanna talk?" :)

Random: I believe we should all go live in Alaska.

you're like a little beam of sunshine in my world
and where there is light the darkness flees
i will get you those lights you wanted
<3

take all of me

2010-04-11T23:23:00.001+08:00

I guess there's a point where we all feel tired.
Tired of putting up defenses, tired of taking shit, tired of being imperfect.
I am my own worst critic, especially when I look at my body through the eyes of a perfectionist.
I strive for perfection in my art, in my singing, in my music, in language - I strive to be the elite in my forte.
When my eyeliner application on one eye looks a teeny bit different from the other eye, I rub it off and start all over again.
And I do not step out of the house until it's more or less symmetric.

The most painful part is when I come home and decide to bathe.
I lock the toilet door and my hand pulls my top up.
And it reveals deep, white stretch marks that I silently gasp at everytime I look at them.
I pull down my jeans and I turn my body to the side and finger the stretch marks that line all the way to the back.
Then I sigh and I take a shower.

Don't come after me after I've slimmed down when you've never noticed me.
Don't take that as a bonus.
You love me now or you don't ever tell me you'll only be into me after I'm a Megan Fox lookalike.
No, I do not hook up.
Do you know what I hate?
I can turn somebody on but in the end he's just not into me.
And I'm like "fuck that".

Girl, someday you'll find him.
He'll look into your eyes and see rainbows and bright yellow electric bolts and unicorns shoot across his mind when he gazes into those very eyes.
He'll be your emotional, spiritual and mental support and you know what-
"what."
He's gonna want you as much as you want him.
"oh."

"my weaknesses are made perfect in Your strength"
"the greatest gift in all my life is loving You"
it's such a painful song to sing Lord.
sixteen and i'm feeling like i'm 99
i'm shitass tired

Love is not self-seeking...love always Protects

2010-04-10T12:30:00.005+08:00

This morning I am overwhelmed.
And this morning I feel that there should be justice done to my name.

Let me paint two figures for you.
There is a white spotlight hanging overhead, the entire room is of the purest, blameless white.
The first figure is Love.
He is clad in white rags - but now they are dirty because of stains that they have impressed upon the cloth.
His body is frail and it is translucent. You can see his veins, his inner core, his organs.
His body is frail but his heart is not; as his heart beats, fresh red blood pumps through his veins, representing life and a million chances.
He is old; he is mature.
He has a head of white ruffled hair the texture of cotton - ruffled, but not a mess or an eyesore upon sight.
Love smiles at me and as he does, his rosy cheeks glow.
His teeth are pearl white and his eyes - his eyes.
His eyes open up the window to his soul; his irises are of the softest ballet pink and the pupil is of the deepest night sky blue.
And they make me cry.
They make me feel accepted.

The second figure is Envy.
She is a young child around the age of seven.
Her body is not see-through; it is opaque and she trembles as her muscles tighten.
She is clad in red. She dons a dark red poncho, red maryjanes and black tights - like what a child dressed for the winter would wear.
You would think she was warm but she was freezing.
On her hair is a red ribbon with a black skull pin nestled in it.
Her jet black hair is pleated into the tightest braid- it is a braid so tight that you can see her perfect, white scalp clearly - so tight it would give you a migraine just by looking at it.
Her teeth are clenched behind her icy blue lips- a visual and physical representation of the grudges she bears and an unjustified wrath she has been holding back.
Envy has eyes like that of diamonds, they glitter and shine but the Diamond is the hardest mineral - and so is her heart.
It is rock solid and cold, unfeeling and apathetic.
She is bitter, she is selfish, she is envious and is never satisfied until the day Forgiveness comes and takes her away.
I feel sorry for her.
Envy looks at me and the diamonds in her eyes start to melt.
And she pleads, "Tell me where I can find Forgiveness, please."
But Forgiveness was right next to her and yet, she could not see him.

"Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."

James 1:15

This afternoon I am overwhelmed.
But this afternoon I know that justice has already been done to my name.
After I looked to Jesus and saw that He has overcome the grave.
I am loved, I am a King's precious and beloved daughter.
Michael Hussar is my new favourite artist.

i see my weakness being turned into strength by You

2010-04-06T21:45:00.001+08:00

Okay guys should SERIOUSLY learn to watch their words.

B'cuz in the end the girl is the one who ends up being the one making the ASSUMPTION when you teased her with those honeyed words!

PUH-LEASE. HOLD A TIGHT REIN ON YOUR TONGUE.

DON'T TELL ME I'M [insert suggestive/flattering description here] IF YOU'RE NOT INTO ME.

Then misunderstandings can lessen- I'm not saying they're going to cease but with LESS, we're good to go.

I love the name Catelynn! (and yes I have been watching Teen Mom on MTV and she's my fave girl.)

As you have noticed, I'm back from Penang and it feels real good to be home.

I've spent 5 solid days pouring out all my time and attention onto my family and definitely God.

And it feels good to be away from friends once in awhile.

Sometimes I get so caught up with having a social life that I forget about important things and people who will actually stay by my side forever.

My parents and God are like If-you-need-Love-then-look-nowhere-else 101 therapy kits to me.

God deals with the emotional stuff and my parents listen to all my trashy, angry talk and make me feel better.

Life gets a little tiring once in awhile; I'm 16 and I already feel like I'm a hundred years old.

But with them as encouragement, I'm never gonna stop trying to pick myself up, never gonna stop running the race.

People seldom walk in and out of my life, so when someone does walk out, it creates this massive ripple in my friendship/social circle.

But as that ripple creates a certain amount of chaos, I find peace in the eye of the storm- and I find the people who stay, I find the Lord there and that He is my hiding place and refuge from the raging cyclone.

Think of me as a ballerina who is practising her pirouettes and as I do, I spin my head and focus on an unmoving object to control my balance, creating a very, very (and I'll say it again) v.e.r.y. successful turn.

I didn't reach Grade 6 for nothing:)

So when you leave, you take a part of me with you, but right now I think I'll claim what I think I have lost and give it to someone else who is worth it.

Live and let live.

2010-04-01T10:33:00.000+08:00

"Jesus has eyes like that of fire. His eyes burn at disease, burn at the devil, burn at sin but never at the sinner. His eyes only beckon the sinner; He has eyes that children will run to."

I WANNA EAT MONSTER COOKIES

2010-03-26T12:17:00.003+08:00

O.O

There's a pretty lil devil lurking in the living room:)

Liquid diabetes

O.O x2

Aerobics

Beauty Queen

Maybe we're all starting to realise that Hurt has its benefits, that Trust is a joke, that Secrets protect us and that Laughter can be used as cover-up.

Dear God,

For all the mean things I've said this year, for all the many mistakes and temptations I have given into, I know that You're still giving me chance after chance to change.

Joseph once told me that You give us chances without numerical limits because that's how much You love us and that's how long You're willing to wait for us to change.

I've taken Your love for granted for so long but You're always willing to take me back.

Lord if life were a bar of chocolate, You'd be the cocoa:)

You're the cheese in my macaroni, You're the L in my name (L = Love).

I love You God and if naive is what people are describing me as because I believe in something I cannot see, then naive I shall be.

If all of You is too abstract for me to believe in, then hell, I must be destined to appreciate Your existence and works like a massive, wonderful, infinite piece of art:)

"Grace is when I do get when I don't deserve.
Mercy is when I don't get what I do deserve."

Because you said that we'll make it through... not.

2010-03-18T12:43:00.004+08:00

I obviously grabbed these photos from their site.

"We settled our own shows, sold our own merchandise, played body guard and stage manager for each other. It was hard work but we were willing to do it because we loved making music so much. We’d chosen a path of independence. Opted to sign with an indie label to keep control of our project and to retain some ownership over ourselves and our music. This meant we had a lot of control, but often times, it meant things took longer and took more work."

-Tegan ( http://teganandsara.com/page/2/ )

Sometimes I wish I had a band and that we could go on tour and escape from all the crap here.
The anger management you get overseas is different.
You go for a really long walk along cosy, dimly lit streets with a hotdog stand somewhere near.
And you just walk and you get to cry and people won't stare at you like the people here do.
I remember once I was mad at my Mom in Australia, and I went for a really long walk around the hotel grounds and it was so cold but it felt shitass good.
I don't know how to explain it.
I was like a warm fat globule in my winter jacket, because I was so, so angry.

"Thank you that whatever painful reality I must face, You will face it with me."

Last night I had a massive mood swing moment.
I was in my bedroom doing QT and this sentence made me see how much I've been neglecting my walk with God.
And I started to feel a great sense of relief and release and I broke down.

I silently unleashed hell as I walked off into the night to the Esso station and back again with a Magnum icecream and a Reader's Digest issue.
I thought about loads of stuff.
I thought about how I've focused on friends for the entire week, yet only to be left disappointed.
I thought about how I've wrongly accused a friend of something she didn't intend to do, because I didn't want the blame to be on me.
Thought about how freaking selfish I was.
About how I can call myself a Christian if I treat people like that.
About how God could love people like us.
About what you might have said or thought about me and how you're not really who you say you are.
And also the question that has been haunting me ever since last year: "why am I always the one stirring up drama." It's not as if I'm Lauren Conrad or Heidi Montague who acts in The Hills or something.
I hate the way I handle my emotions and I'm really, really, really sorry if I've hurt anyone along the way.

But then sometimes I let people walk all over my defenses, and I'll willingly take the blame even if it wasn't my fault to begin with.
Don't tell me "oh that's because you wanna act noble".
You wouldn't feel like a hero after you've swallowed down all the shit they claim you've done when they were the ones who stirred shit up first.
Then you'll know how much pain it causes me.
Then you'll learn to shut up.

The very nature of love itself is that it's self-sacrificial.
Then hell, I'll learn to put down my pride for the benefit of you being able to face the world, I'll learn to sacrifice my rights and yes, I'll learn to carry my own cross and I WILL learn to l.o.v.e.
I will learn to be faithful to my friends, I will learn to guard my heart.

"Nobody likes to but I'd really like to cry,
Nobody likes me, maybe, if I cry."

- The Con by Tegan and Sara
You can leave me out, boycott me.If I care then it shall be my downfall.
I feel like there's a hurricane of conspiracy coming my way.

If you have read till here, you're pretty cool.

Anyway, on a very anti-climax/light note: BGN's coming up, I'm gonna get balloooooons and try to make lasagna:)

JOY JOY JOY

2010-03-14T19:23:00.003+08:00

Worship turned out to be.. good!
It's way easier being a backup vocalist than to be the worship leader, because right then, I could focus entirely on God as I sang without the distraction of giving hand signals:)
Today the band consisted of myself, Jeremy, Abbie and Justin.
We only had two singers, Justin on the acoustic guitar and Abbie on the keyboards - yet simple as the band was, the feedback we got was that the session was Spirit led.
Woah!!! I'm really, reaaaally proud that God had given me such an opportunity to step to serve, even with a sorethroat:)
Anyway today I don't see myself as a sinner anymore, undeserving of His love, but as a princess *glitter glitter* who is so, so precious in His sight and guess what - we're all made in His image and the Lord says in His word that He is enthralled by our beauty:)

So for the week ahead, I want to commit myself to achieving a goal which is.. to behave.
Behaving = holding back my tongue = no vulgarities.
I wanna live up to the best of my potential and I know I'm so much more than a heap of vulgar expression.
So now I owe my friend Charles five bucks because I uttered 5 f words while jamming on Friday evening.
Woah that costs me a pair of Cotton On slippers.
grrrr but okay, no pain no gain right?!
Oh and Charles I'd rather pay you 5 bucks than pay to get 2 packets of chicken rice and putting on an extra 500 grams of weight.

Random fact #1: Everyone at church was like O.O and they did a horizontal line across their foreheads and gave me a quizzical look.
"I cut it myself!"
So comments/looks that people have given me about my newly, not-on-purpose cut bangs are:
" :O :O :O :O OMGGGGGG OMGGGG LEELINGGGGG"
"Ling you look like a watermelon!"
"Ling you look cool!"
"Liling you look like DORA THE EXPLORAAAAAHHH"
"Yeah its very vintage!" - Cara/ Char
"O.O ?!"
"You look fresh!"
"Actually this haircut makes you look very nice! Very cute Ling!" - Mum/ Vanida/ Lynette
*nod nod* - Szeming

After 10.30 worship, we walked to J-low's house. We obviously went in.
J-low's room smells just like my brother's room upstairs, it has this old 5-year-old smell and I TOTALLY DIG IT.
J-low has the same tacky curtains that I had last time, the same type of windows I have at home, the same 1993-2000 bedsheet (except that his is blue and mine is red and Aaron's one is green) and the same kitchen dustbin except that his is white and mine is pink.
I LOVE J-LOW'S ROOM SMELL AND HIS DOG AND I DO NOT LOVE J-LOW. Hahahaha kiddingggg:) :)

Random fact #2: today I feel so loved + appreciated because Cara answered a Truth or Dare question on her Itouch.
"Name one good and bad point about every person in the room."
"Liling is weird and cool!"
Weird's not that bad... but YOU SAID I'M COOL:)
And I replied "what! how am I cool! I cool meh?"
And you said "yeaaahhh you are!!!"
Yeah babe you melt ma heart you melt it str8 down to da grounddd
Cara Chiang you've seen how dramatic I can get, you have seen me unleash my wrath but IF YOU CAN TELL ME I'M COOL, YOU MUST REALLY LOVE ME because you see that part of me and you point it out - and it's a description that no one has ever told me before:)
*blushhh*
SAME TO YOU CHAR!!!!!! SAME TO YOUUU!!!!

After visiting our beloved J-low, we watched Dear John at Plaza Sing-along.
OH GOODNESS WE MUST STOP GOING TO DHOBY GHAUT, I'VE BEEN THERE FOR LIKE 3 TO 4 TIMES THIS WEEK ALREADY.
Ok but anyway Dear John was SO GOOD, I don't care if the ending was crappy because if a movie has a beautiful beach, jeans, guitars, surfing, kissing and crying - I'M GOOD TO GO.
The three of us cried very silently. I think a drop went into my potato and leek soup :O
On the bus home this really cute guy was sleeping next to me but the point is he almost put my head on my shoulder AND NOBODY GETS TO PUT THEIR HEAD ON MY SHOULDER UNLESS THEY'RE REALLY CLOSE TO ME and I felt weird so I moved away and gravity pulled his head down and he jerked up.
It was super awkward okay.

Pizza at Pepperoni's with Jia+Yun tonight!
And there's a one-week break for JC students.
Does this rock or what!!!!!!!! (no you're not allowed to choose what)

L is for L-o-v-e

x, Ling

Don't let me go

2010-03-10T13:26:00.004+08:00

in the morning
when i got in bed
i started thinking
of how heartbreaks have made me who i am today
of how they've caused me to never trust anyone else again
and that behind the way i laugh, the way i joke
behind this strength i present to you
behind this barrier and wall i've put up
there's so much pain.
so much torment.
even if it's not happening to me sometimes
but to other people, like my friends/ my family
i still feel the hurt they feel, and i'm disappointed all over again

i guess this gift of empathy comes with a price
that you cry very softly before you sleep
for the world / things that happen / shit that happens
you think i'm crazy, dramatic and overrated
mind you, sweet thing, you wouldn't call this dramatic if it happened to you

Gerard, a drama trainer from Les Thespians Drama once asked us
"how many of you have cried very softly in bed before?"
and everyone raised their hands

as we grow
we watch the world
we watch it and we start to cry
because it just hurts so bad to watch it crumble

please don't tell me you'll do something
don't even be filled with zeal and eager endeavour
then in turn, fail to live up to what you said and leave me feeling like you've cut a hole in my chest
do you know what it feels like?
it's like you're telling me to take your hand
so that i can walk with you into a new phase in life
then you turn your back on me and start running like lightning
like lightning.
and everything is blurry before my eyes
because hot tears start spilling down and you leave me back here to die.

someone once told me i have the gift of faith
that i trust Jesus with all my heart
that i'd give Him all my pain without hesitating
suddenly i remember
suddenly i remember i've forgotten
about the many times i surrendered and He made it well again
Lord guard my heart, be like Atticus to me,
protect me like the way he protected Scout from the world
yet letting her grow into someone like him, an all-rounded, well-meaning individual
- i wanna be like You.
i want to love selflessly, i want to give give give the way You gave
i want to look my husband in the eye at the altar and know that he has been set aside for me
so i give You all my focus, knowing that joy is when i need no one else but Jesus.
but will You just be there for me every time the temptation is strong?
Lord if i am to fall, may i never fall away from You.

so the rain came
and the music faded away
and your face disappeared
and sleep turned out fine
:) i guess i can smile now :) :)

"You have turned my mourning into dancing, You have turned my sorrow into joy"

when the morning comes, all is well again<3

Just be yourself (L)

2010-03-10T01:18:00.000+08:00

"Everything will be made beautiful in His time."

Sure enough everything was made perfect during those 3 hours with Nida:)
I just realised so many things when I was with her tonight.
And that's so precious to me:)

Now Zhao fu is getting his calories counted on Oovoo.
I can't think.

PARAMORE /(everyone leaves weeds for roses) shawn you genius

2010-03-09T11:39:00.003+08:00

Before

After

Hayley:) :) :)

But darling,

You are the only exception ~<3

Cheetah pants:P

UH-MAZING

Pictures from Ade's camera. I couldn't be bothered to bring mine.
Daren and I helped to pull out a girl who couldn't breathe.
I shouted 'help' a million times and sounded like a chihuahua yelping in the crowd (wtf).
The security guard at the front was so blind that I pointed the middle finger and - you got it, he didn't catch that.
But everyone loved it; Paramore is the best band live ever.

Here's Daren's flickr photos: http://www.flickr.com/photos/highheavyheart/4413427791/in/photostream/

So during the concert I had to remind myself not to be selfish.
When I was pulling that girl towards the front, I felt entirely helpless but I just kept on shouting even if I couldn't be heard.
And I'm glad I did that.
Not to brag or to gain credit that I did what I did, but I guess this would be how I'd react if I was in some massive disaster.
And I'm really, really happy I did that upon natural instinct.
So anyway my old+new friends are helping me forget about some gay guy.
At least they occupy my mind from 12 till 4 in the morn on Skype/Oovoo.
There's like a mind monster in my head, it keeps exercising ways to torture me:(
But I'm not at my most comfortable state around them yet, not like me around Lawrence or Cara or Belle or Char or Joseph.
Guess that's how you five beat other people to the top.
Because you guys care loads about how I feel. Like LOADS.
Because you guys know I get tiny bouts of insecurity and rage now and then and you guys just... get me.
Because you guys just know it's a Liling thing to have 3 to 4 crushes at a time:) hahahaha:)
And definitely.. because besides the fun, there's also a very silent sadness in all of us.
We'd be holding each other during a war man, during a fucking war.
Self-sacrificial love, that's what we have.

I hate the fact that I'm so self-conscious.
Sometimes I think I'm really irritating and I'm really sorry I keep voicing out what I think and giving people the "oh-do-you-want-me-to-tell-you-this-so-that-you-feel-better-about-yourself-bitch" idea.
I hate the fact that I'm not perfect. Physically and emotionally.
Don't we all?
Insecurity 101. Join the club.

I hate it when boys tell me that I'm pretty and shit all because I lost weight.
Why didn't you notice me before then?
It hurts and I'm afraid to grow up because suddenly this world's become so shallow.
My eyes that reflect light so brilliantly will always be the way they are now till forever; they'll always have the ability to look straight at you to see if you're true and leave your soul and intentions bare for yourself to choke upon.
Top it up with sweet nothings.
It just amounts up to.. fuck - nothing.

So if you see me and speak to me and EVENTUALLY think I'm different and totally not what you expected me to be, then I'm sorry to disappoint:)

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you SURE AS HELL DON'T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST."
— Marilyn Monroe

I can't express myself very well. Only through my art and songs and writing. So you shouldn't judge me like that.
It's just gay and unfair... yknow?

On a lighter note: ICECREAM WITH NIDA AT NIGHT + RUNNING TOMORROW + JAMMING AND FILMING ON FRIDAY(probably) at a studio:)
professional siollll
ps: ive been so vulgar i should stop this is disgusting pointing middle fingers and whatnot

purrfect

2010-03-08T23:19:00.002+08:00

There's just so much to think about.

Like perfection.

Mummy was sending me to SP and I realised something in the car.

(See, long drives can stimulate the philosophical mind)

It takes so much of a person to look perfect for someone else.

And I can't even achieve 'perfect'.

It takes so, so much of me to live for someone else.

Then I think of the words "to live for someone else".

Hey.

Where's the part where I live for God.

So I'm home now.

Sadness and reverent awe came hand in hand.

It's just a bittersweet feeling y'know?

Like feeling happy and miserable at the same time?

Reverent awe was because I realised that God's the only one who will never ever break my heart.

He even mends my broken heart.

He even tells His angels to guard it.

He even holds me when I've been such a vulgar person- He looks past my imperfections and sees the person inside.

He knows my needs and He provides.

At this point I'm afraid of trusting and taking risks.

I'm afraid of the line "don't ever let someone teach you how to love."

I do need someone to teach me how to love.

Because I charge straight ahead - and then I fall off track and it hurts like nuts.

Once again I'll say:

It takes so, so much of me to live for someone else.

So now I remember that I live for God. Alone. 

I don't need to be in a relationship to tell myself I won't ever trust anyone else again.

It's already happening.

ZHAO FU NIDA LYNETTE RABBIT JOVEN GET HOMEEE LET'S SKYPE MY DISAPPOINTMENT AWAYYY

Ng says:
yeah
dont lose hope
i mean like he cant be the absolute last guy
Brieee - -- - (L){ black•metal•love }(L) - -- says:
yeah he isn't
Ng says:
then what youre gonna close your self off all guys and turn into an old woman who has dozens of cats

HAHAHAHAHA

Fall

2010-03-05T17:10:00.000+08:00

Fall in love with me
Because my eyes shine as bright
As burning stars in the firmament
Overhead while you sleep and shiver at night

Fall in love with me
Because my diction is superb
Think cherries, honey and sin
Think desire, lust and adrenaline

I have no cure
For your sorely charged heart
But you can stay if you'd like,
Stay in the dark

Where there is no truth;
None of it shall set you free
I am a cheat, a liar,
A conman of the highest integrity

(Love at its purest
Love at its purest)
It is hurt, it is sacrifice
Bundled up and sealed tight
Sent to me with kisses and bruises
Sent to me to toy with for the night

But I have no cure
For your sorely charged heart
But you can stay if you'd like,
Stay here, in the
Dark

- 5.08 PM
S

2010-03-04T13:57:00.000+08:00

Meeting new friends with Nida and Nettie (R,V, R,V) makes life sooo much more fun!

Like:

Zhao Fu my tofu friend who is suuuuper smiley and nice and bubbly:)

Joven who's suuuper easy to talk to:)

Charles who's suuuuper loser:)

And Gary who's got suuuuper loads of sense of shame man! PRESIDENTE!!!

SUUUUUUUPPPPPEEEEERRRRRRRRRR FUN WORRR!!!

I am now eating my proteins.

Then I'm gonna watch Alice In Wonderland with Angel and co.!!!

AWWWWW YEAAAAHHHHH

Kat Von D: "The future is big, bad and beautiful"

2010-03-02T12:57:00.005+08:00

It's just so hard confining the rebel within me; she's just dying to get out and have fun.

And when I say the word "dying", I'm telling you guys how it really does restrict me in a way that makes me want to literally cry and throw a tantrum.

Then I think about 'fun'.

The fun I'd have is saving enough money, checking when the polytechnic vacation is, flying to L.A. and getting tattooed by the one and only Kat Von D.

I'd be thrilled. No. Wait. I'd be THRILLED.

I wanna get tattooed because it's a form of self-expression.

I'm all about: Rebellion (with a capital 'R') + sensuality + rock'n'roll culture + Art in every form.
I want to feel special. I want to be labelled as .. punk.

Suddenly I realise I've forgotten who I should always, always look to whenever I feel 'less special' than others.

Especially when I feel like I can only do this much in my life; I'm comparing my lifestyle to those in the American tattoo world.

I've forgotten about God. He who loves me so much and He who owns my body.

.... And He who says that we shall not cut our flesh or put any tattoos on our bodies

Lev 19:28 says: You shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor tattoo any marks on you: I am the LORD.

Honestly, just reading those words is heart wrenching for me.

But being a Christian is about making choices.

Choices that are tough, that the flesh wants so much but above all, we should give priority to the spirit.

It's all about Behaviour 101. (sorry I've been vulgar okay)
It's about finding my identity in Christ and not the things of the world.

Now I realise how tough it was for Brad to give up metal music.

Metal kinda comes hand in hand with tattooing, by the way.

It's all dark and creative and... rebellious. (yeah that's the link)
We love what we love so,so much that it hurts when we gotta give it up.
Especially when it's something God says no about.
And even if we DO go ahead with it, there are consequences to bear.
I want to be used mightily by God, I don't want a tattoo to hinder anything that God has planned out for me:)
(Even if He will catch us when we fall, I just want everything to be super smooth for His plan.)

Most of the time, "you are what you love" is something that has twisted my mind into believing that if I love something, I'm this way.
"If I love sex, I'm sexual."
"If I love art, I'm artsy, I can't do Math." - YEAH RIGHT, I PASSED MATH OKAY.
I don't want to be labelled by the world's standards. I want to be labelled as someone after "God's own heart". As a "nice friend". As a "good person".
That's way more worth it than being called Punk/ a Rockstar/ a good singer.
I want people to look at my Heart.

I just got Kat Von D's High Voltage Tattoo autobiography/whatever-it-is yesterday.

She's got amazing artwork and sketches inside. Entirely bad-ass and beautiful.

But I have to keep in mind that this book shall be my inspiration to being a better artist and that it shall not serve as temptation to fuel my lust for tattooing.

So even if I'll never know how it feels like to ink+shade+highlight a personal masterpiece or a portrait of a pin up girl on someone else's skin, I guess it's worth it.

Because it's all about behaviour that counts, it's about rubbing off a sort of discipline and example vibe and chasing after a more important goal.
Guess what:)

So now I've got a question to ask at cell.

See that's why I love cell. Because I get my questions answered and I get to understand why spiritual boundaries are set.
With the way the world looks at tattoos, short skirts, sex - everything = not the way God would want people to see us.

Boundaries- people say Christianity has tons of rules.
But like Lifeng told me: God didn't set rules to confine us, He set rules to protect us.

So my question is: How much is too much when it comes to creating art? Especially gothic art/ 1950s pin up girls/ everything that Kat Von D is into with a teeny bit of nudity and stuff.

Yeah look into my mind and you'll freak at how much shit is inside.

But it's good shit okay.

Ahhh but be patient with me; I'm still learning...

Mon amor

Change

2010-02-28T14:03:00.001+08:00

Change comes along everyday.
Some days he wears black and some days he wears yellow.
He rings the door bell and arrives at my door step.
I run up and peek through the hole to see him.
Then God comes behind me, and holds me, and He doesn't let me go.
Not even when I fling the door wide open and black Change successfully pulls me away sometimes.
But I'm like an elastic band- God just makes sure I snap back to Him once I've gone too far out.
Change is fun. But too much of Change could hurt.
It already does.
I'm just so blessed that I've got God holding me so tightly.
HEY LORD! BEAR HUGGGGGGGG!!!! :)

doing research
be right back k

2010-02-17T12:45:00.004+08:00

How to know a Liling in a moment (TM)

Karaoke:

1. Get a human organiser like Cara so you won't be bombarded by messages.

2. Have sufficient cash. (30 bucks ++)

3. Invite friends.

4. FRIENDS Criteria: (they can be)

A. Best friends
B. Singers
C. Friends who know how to shake it
D. Wild
E. Unhigh at the start but REALLY HIGH once we get into the mood
F. Friends who are true friends because they share their bottled water with you when you're going hoarse

5. Songs: Love Drunk by Boys like Girls / The Takeover, The Break's Over by FOB

6. GET READY + TURN IT UP

7. Scream the lines:

LOVE DRUNK:

"You made me want you oh-so-bad it hurt but girl.. IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T HEARD..." / "I loved you forever, BUT NOW IT'S OVERRRR" / " ALL THE TIME I WASTED ON YOU, ALL THE BULLSHIT YOU PUT ME THROUGH, I'M CHECKING INTO REHAB COS EVERYTHING WE HAD DIDN'T MEAN A THING TO YOUUUU" /

(In between: Get up on the sofa and dance/play air guitar/scream and take turns singing into the mike)

THE TAKE OVER, THE BREAK'S OVER:

"Baby, seasons change but people don't" / "DON'T PRETEND YOU EVER FORGOT ABOUT ME, DON'T PRETEND YOU EVER FORGOT ABOUT MEHHHHHH"

8. JUMP JUMP JUMP

9. Take photos

10. Squeeze in LOVE DRUNK again when the person-in-charge says she'll give you extra time
11. REPEAT Steps 6 - 9.

12. IT'S A WRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEST FRIENDS GET OVER THEIR BROKEN HEARTS TOGETHER \m/

we're mfeo.

acronym for made for each other

2010-02-16T12:21:00.000+08:00

{ I love you baby
I mean it more than just
the whole world
And well
when I know your sin
I know your sin
I know your wings }

2010-02-13T12:27:00.002+08:00

I MISS YOU.

SIAN.

I AM O.K.

2010-02-12T12:40:00.001+08:00

Deano

Some more surf comes over my face and I look over to the left and I see this sea lion, just sitting three metres away from me, just staring at me like I'm a fuckwit.

I stare back at the sea lion and the two of us stay like that for ages, checking each other out. Man and animal. Not knowing why the fuck we're even alive. Just running on instinct and trying to squeeze as much fun into a shit life as we can.

Nige

And I wish there could be a way I didn't have to go back to the world, cos the world is a mean place. And I think I'd be better off away from it all, somewhere far away from here, just me and myself ... and maybe Gav can come over for the occasional spot, and Monica for some sex, but other than that ... I just wanna be alone.

Nige

Anyway, so I thought Monica might like it if I have empathised with her as a woman. These are all ideas Gav taught me- he's quite into treating women like they're human beings, and the more I think about it, the more I think, yeah, he's right.

Like, if I see a pretty girl all I'm thinkin about is what her breasts might look like, and, you know, rooting potential - I'm not thinking about her feelings and that.

And I'm thinkin maybe it's time to grow up and start thinking about Monica's feelings. Like, start each day with a nice thought, like, ' I wonder if Monica has had enough sleep,' - stuff like that, and just become an all-round nicer person.

Like, what's wrong with being nice? Deano thinks there's something wrong with being nice - like it's a weakness or something. But Deano, as the Maoris would say, 'to hamuti,' which means, 'You're full of shit.'

I like the second paragraph the most.
It just reminds me of stuff.
It's 2 days to Valentine's Day but I don't believe in it.
Got crazy when my crush wished me when I was 12.
I remember I was jumping like nuts on the street until my feet hurt so bad and all the people in their cars were laughing.
I just think that Love can be celebrated anytime.
After all, it is my birthday everyday:)
You know what.
I wanna sit by the edge of a cliff, listen to the roar of the ocean and watch the white water spray in all directions.
Someone go to Australia with me.
And we'll go paragliding / swimming / sandboarding / EVERYTHING and we'll sleep in the same bed and talk till we fall asleep and then wake up to blueberry pancakes with golden maple syrup and watch a million sunrises together and get down to the beach and do crazy stuff or pick up sea shells.
I live in the wrong country.
BEACH + SUN + SAND + WIND + WATER OMG WATERRRRRR
:(

ANGEL says:
no poRk no lard
whats lard ah?
Ling - - -- - (L) says:
i dont know
i dont know what is ghee either
but both sound disgusting
ANGEL says:
alright la
normal
(;
NI YOU MAO BING
you hve hair disease
hahaha
Ling - - -- - (L) says:
HAHA
HAHA
HAHAHA HAIR DISEASE what the SHITTT

2010-02-11T14:56:00.002+08:00

I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy whenever I surf the net and find illustrators and artwork that is up to my capability but I haven't acted out on creating one yet.
GOAL FOR TODAY: PAINT.

I don't like missing someone if he/she doesn't miss me back.
It's retarded.
It's like squeezing my heart dry.
Egocentric guys are losers.

Two Little Boys:

When Monica shows me to the door I say to her, 'I love you,' and she says, 'Don't say that, Nige,' and I say, 'But it's true,' and she says, 'You need to see a shrink, Nige. Are you still living with Deano?'

'Nah, I got out. Me and Deano aren't best mates anymore, Monz. I don't even hang out with him. I've really changed.'

'Well, next time you see Deano, why don't you ask him where my Kate Bush CD is, where my Beatles Abbey Road CD is, where my Billy Bragg is, where all my fucking Bowie CDs are?'

'Eh?'

'He stole my B section, Nige. He stole the entire B section out of my CD collection.'

(And then I started laughing. Then "LINGGG!! DINNNEEERRRR!!!" And I go "Orhhh!!!")

2010-02-10T18:24:00.005+08:00

Sometimes I only have one thing to say but I go on and on about it.

You know why?

Because I can.

Your mom is your mom and I am me.

So suck it up and live with it.

Moving on.

If I had a band, I'd name it The Tralalas.

Because I want it to be Christmas all year round.

But then again, Christ is born only once, so I might be forgetting what the whole meaning of Christmas is.

This train of thought is good.

Because I think before carrying actions out.

Then maybe I save 70% of my mind from regret.

So today I decided to go out.

Alone.

There's nothing wrong with going out alone, especially if you're doing shopping.

At least people don't drag you around and in the end you don't get to go to the places you want to.

Unless you've got loads of common interest with that person.

Or if you don't give in easily- which I do, so people take advantage of me and I get pissed and then everyone's unhappy (haha).

So I lined my upper lid and dabbed turquoise/blue eyeshadow along the under eye.

I looked like a mysterious tropical bird lady but I didn't care.

Point: I put make up because it's fun- it's art.

I still feel 100% confident without it. That's what I realised during the week after my cousin said a girl looks more natural without make up.

I was watching an episode of Desperate Housewives and the little girl asked Eva Longoria: "Mommy, when can I put makeup?"

And Eva Longoria replied: "The day you know you don't need it."

I'm really thankful to have my cousin Carrina around, she's God-sent for this season of my life man.

Went to That CD Shop at Pacific Plaza.

Walked up the stairs and I fell down.

I was like SHIT and everyone looked at me and then I picked up my bag and walked up, like nothing happened.

I bent my nail. Who the hell falls on their nails when they try to break their fall?!

My nail doesn't hurt anymore but I'm afraid it might break off if I don't watch it carefully.

That CD Shop didn't have The XX's album. Lousy.

So to avoid further embarrassment ("Oh that's the girl who fell down just now right" kind of scenarios), I took the escalator down and walked out from the back, past the first floor's cashier and went all the way to Borders.

I bought "The Swan Thieves" then I found another book, "Two Little Boys".

So I refunded The Swan Thieves and bought Two Little Boys.

I obviously went to a different cashier.

Two Little Boys has got an F word on every page but it's hilarious and that's what I need.

Nothing has made me laugh much this whole week.

Everyone's gone.

Not literally, but crudely put.. they're gone.

Off to school, off to work, off to sleep, off to Taiwan and I'm lazy to call or talk.

So it's just You and me Lord.

At Borders I was waiting in line (duh) and I thought "Hi God" and a fuzzy feeling swept over me and He was like "Hey".

You guys probably think I'm crazy but that's how personal God gets.

He rocks.

Then later I got a Sephora eyeshadow brush (MISSION ACCOMPLISHED) and now I'm going to town again.

To meet Angel and Eric and sometimes we get stuck in shit situations where we absolutely have nowhere to go.

But do I care?

No.

As if you do.

Yeah I'm half angry, half at peace.

I remember what Liyana told me when I asked her "what if there's a God".

And she said "I would ask Him to take me away from here."

True.

Jenny Curran: Were you scared in Vietnam? Forrest Gump: Yes. Well, I-I don't know. Sometimes it would stop raining long enough for the stars to come out... and then it was nice. It was like just before the sun goes to bed down on the bayou. There was always a million sparkles on the water... like that mountain lake. It was so clear, Jenny, it looked like there were two skies one on top of the other. And then in the desert, when the sun comes up, I couldn't tell where heaven stopped and the earth began. It's so beautiful. Jenny Curran: I wish I could've been there with you. Forrest Gump: You were.

2010-02-05T16:49:00.001+08:00

$0.00

2010-02-03T09:11:00.001+08:00

I'm angry.

I am a performer and when you do not allow me to perform, I sulk.

But this attitude is wrong.
Why am I trying to find perfection in my pride when I am nothing?

Then I realise:
This is the price I have to pay for learning how to be humble.
The splintered wreckage I have to swallow down, piece by piece.
I will remember that God loves the humble and contrite heart and that He opposes the proud.
Lifeng said "When he opposes you, it will be painful, so it's better to be humble."
I will give my all to doing something if I am asked to do it.
And if my help isn't needed, I will give my full blessings but still be available.
I have to keep remembering that these things are temporary.
I may be forgotten but at least God, You don't forget about me.
So when I'm left alone in my party dress, I have You to hold onto.
And my make up shall not run.
I shall be joyful and rejoice.

The similarities of you and I: we're both performers.
But even if I'm at the backstage, I will remain there.
And when I am called to showcase my talent, I will rise to the occasion because I have Jesus.
And He is my humility, He is my righteousness.
He is my BEST.
He will hold my hand and walk me to the stage, in front of the audience.
He will empower me to be my BEST; to be who God made me to be.
And that is what I want.
Not credit, not recognition.
But heart.

How to know a Liling in a moment:

2010-02-01T11:17:00.000+08:00

[ CAUTION BEING OF UTMOST PRIORITY ]

- Good Enough

When a Liling is in a Party mood but she can't go party that night/does not wanna rub against sweaty people, follow these steps to KNOW A LILING IN A MOMENT (TM):

1. Time of the day: 10 PM till late

2. Sit on a comfortable-enough-chair in front of a borderless view of houses + street lights + moving, beeping cars on the road + a cool breeze

3. Have a Coke (Coke light is preferred)

4. Prop a laptop on your lap with a yellow bulb overhead (this provides a warm, cosy feel)

5. Turn on Boys&Girls by Pixie Lott

6. Have a best friend around and enough space to shake some hip

7. If you live in an apartment, do not, I repeat, DO NOT FALL OFF THE LEDGE

8. Indulge.

- Boys Suck

When a Liling feels like she is abandoned by a boy (who ate her heart then vomited it out and handed it back to her- ewww right?!) but knows that it is for the best, follow these steps to KNOW A LILING IN A MOMENT (TM):

1. Song: I Look So Good Without You by Jessie James (at full blast)

2. Turn on the air conditioner in your room

3. Wind down the blinds/ close the curtains/ make sure no neighbours peep unless you're training to become the neighbourhood's porn star

4. Strip

5. Have a nice relaxing shower at a temperature that does not cause hypothermia or burns (Shampoo: Herbal Essences or if you have dandruff like I do when I'm under stress, use the white version of Head&Shoulders Smooth and Silky. Bath: Johnson's Baby Milk Bath is preferred)

6. Sing along

7. Look at yourself in the mirror and smile and love yourself and sing somemore (especially the line "hey, I never would have thought that, when you left me, I'd feel sexy and so good in my skinnn againnn")

8. Ring a girlfriend like Angel (she'll tell you that you look sexy in a blue dress LITERALLY)

9. OR if you have a really cool cousin who knows you inside out and there's nothing to hide between you and her

10. Dress up, watch a movie - have a girl's night out <3

It is 11.11 AM.

I'm going to meet Lifeng at Adam Road Food Centre.

Apparently she has a craving for carrot cake and I really want some soya bean milk.

Therefore, I'M OFF.

(I miss using 'therefore' symbols in Math)

Today, I want to tell you guys to: Love yourself.

Because you're worth it.

(Maybe it's Maybelline!)

Worthy

2010-01-31T12:02:00.003+08:00

The fever started last night.
Lived through dusk and opened my eyes victoriously upon the coming of dawn.
Ate a mini chocolate wassant reluctantly and popped two panadols.
Took a nap with constant noise that somehow soothed me down as I slept on the sofa.
Wind from the open side door caressed my face, as if it was chasing the heat from my body away.
Got up because I started perspiring again.
Glanced at the Bible, then took a good look at it and flipped to the book of Psalm.
Psalm 107:17-21:
"Some became fools through their rebellious ways and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.
They loathed all food and drew near the gates of death.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.
He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.
Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men."

And I started to cry softly as I asked God how He could ever love a sinner like me.
I have been drawing close to the gates of death for the entire week.
And something struck me in my heart. When I asked Kyle how could I ever stand on the stage in church and serve God and His people when I'm so unholy inside.
Then I remembered that he told me we're worthless but at the same time, we're worth everything.
And no one is holier than anyone else on this earth, we're all equal.
'Everything' in the fact that God gave up the best for us - Jesus.
So I sat up on the sofa and sang to Him.

"Lord I've come to know, the weaknesses I see in me,
Will be stripped away by the Power of Your Love.
Hold me close, let Your love surround me
Bring me near, draw me to Your side
And as I wait, I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love"

I told Him how beautiful He was.
And He heard me.
I knew He was there with me, I could feel Him and He made his presence known in the soft rustle of the leaves in the wind.
Our God is a gentle God.
And I am so proud to say that the basis of Christianity is love.
I realised how important this word is.
When I feel unworthy, He tells me I'm worth it because He loves me.
I appreciate this fever.
Because it lets me be still for a moment and know that He is God: my Healer, my refuge, my strength.

I am beginning to understand Joy and I am starting to abandon superficial emotions like happiness that are temporary and which hold no weight.
But joy.
"We stand and lift up our hands,
for the joy of the Lord is our strength."
And even in my pain, You are with me and You bring me joy, Lord.
You delight in me and You love me and I want to say that today, it's enough for me.
You are enough for me.

honey roasted macadamias

2010-01-26T12:29:00.002+08:00

{New York, I Love You} MOVIE NIGHT  

We're so alike, and never have I felt more comfortable around you, coussie <3

Cara was happy:) Everyone was:)

I dreamt about you.
Dreamt that you were feeling my ribcage and told me "woah it's big" and somehow I took it in a way that you know my body's this way because I've got big bones.
And I melted right there when you held me.
And you let me kiss you right there and wipe away the tears you had in your eyes (because you got so pissed about something silly).
Okay my point is you let me be there for you. And I was happy.
People may think I'm crazy and it was an insult when you told me that about my ribcage.
But no. I don't believe you're someone like that.
You're not shallow or superficial like any other guy I've ever known even if you do talk alot about hot girls.
You're just a really visual person (like the way I am so I can go on about some hot guy on the street all day).
I've begun to dismiss the question of "what do you look for in a guy?"
There are so many qualities and things that we look for and even if a guy has met all these requirements, he may not have a certain type of feel that I want to have when I'm around somebody I love.
We may not have chemistry or a level of comfort when we're together.
He may have the best personality in the world but he may not be after God's own heart.

Because God really is the centre of the relationship and I want that priority to be reserved for only you.
Even if you're not going to be mine, I still want the best for you.

So I woke up and I told myself I love you.
It's flattering for you to know/hear/read/, I know.
I'm actually scared at the fact that I've liked so many people before.
But I don't want this to be infatuation anymore.
Like Lawrence asked God for someone to love, I asked Him too.
But I'm still sixteen.
So I'll wait.

I haven't told you guys about the interview that I went through at SP, so why not.
I went for the one regarding Creative Writing for TV & New Media.
That week, I had been tearing myself down, often ending up curling up into a crumpled heap of misery on the floor.
So as I spoke about my views on life and everything, I got interrupted and the interviewers asked if I was sixteen.
I said "yes I am" and they asked "where do you get all these thoughts? why are you so philosophical! you're not like anyone we've ever met! there's something about you."
I felt so humbled at that time and so loved by He who made me that I almost wanted to cry.
Right then, right there, God told me He loves me and that even if I lift my soul up to another who tramples on it, He still lets me know how worthy I am through the way He lets people see how beautiful His creation is from the inside out.
He let me know how appreciated I am by others and to LOOK AT THE FACT that others still love me for who I REALLY AM and not for what I live up to be or to look at only one person and to live by what he wants me to be.
I couldn't answer where I got all my inspiration and thoughts from.
Because my answer was, still is and forever will be "this is the beauty of His creation and part of who He really is".
I went to Nicole's place after the interview feeling like the happiest, most JOYFUL girl in the whole galaxy.
Joy, was what had me on the verge of tears.
He showed me His Love and it was amazing.
Thanks Lord. You're lovely beyond words. Just so damn lovely and so comforting to know that You take delight in me, Lord:) :) :)

Yesterday: WWW was really fun.
Even if our feet hurt.
I got dizzy at the Tsunami pool. DiiiiizzZZzZZZzzyyyzyyzyzyzy
It was cool that Claire came; she's good company!
So we went to Cara's place for pizza, some good old Baileys, Cookies&Cream ice-cream cake with rainbow sprinkles, gummies and jellybeans all loaded on top, card games and Family Guy (omg right).
I love being around my churchies. I'll never have enough:)
Then Claire, Ryan, John and I cabbed home with healthy, sexy, sun-kissed skin:)

X

B-b-b-ut I'm 16: so I GET TO BE SIXTEEN :)

2010-01-23T19:52:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BELATED (BUT I WISHED YOU YESTERDAY) BIRTHDAY

CARA CHIANGZXZX!

(She's the one showing off her pearly whites with rainbow earrings in the middle)

Today we went fishing at Laurel Wood Avenue!
You know that huge drain at the back?? :)
YEAH! I caught one tiny fishie and added him/her to Claire's pail!
It was pretty cool, I love my churchies<3
So we sat in the wind listening to music/laughing/eating potato+green apple+celery salad/watching John learn how to cycle/acknowledging the fact that Ryan sucks at Bluff/looking at dogs/talking about Glee etc.
So anyway.
I know alot of people read my blog and stuff.
But omg can you guys tell me who you are.
Like you know so much about my life when I talk to you and I go like "woah how'd you know that".
Should I put up a tagboard so I know who visits??
Oh guess what.
My neighbour can hear me sing.
HE.CAN.HEAR.ME.SING. and I never knew that all these years!!!
I'm a pretty cool neighbour you know.
I sing, I laugh, I cry, I have cool friends who dance around in my room with me- I'm the best neighbour anyone could ever ask for!
No but actually I think I disturb him alot when he studies because when I'm excited I shout alot. So.
okay.

GUYS YOU KNOW WHAT
Life's been kinda funky
Like I'm sixteen and I do crazy things and cry about crazy things
But I get to be sixteen only once
So I don't mind getting sad over nutzo stuff
But I'm way better today
And omg the person who read my blog (i think you kinda did) - IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU
SO DON'T ASSUME
SO THAT'S WHY I DELETED THE POST, NOT BCOS I'M EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT OKAY
*whew* :)

I have to order loads of Macs for 830 Sunday School class tomorrow morning!!!!!!
I gotta wake up early!!!!!!
MOVIE TOMORROW NIGHT WITH CARRINA

(L)

and if you think i can't live without you

you're like..

wrong.

But I can't go any further than this.

2010-01-15T15:20:00.003+08:00

"Pick up your things, pick up your shoes, and leave."

I never forgot what a teacher at Julia Gabriel said to me.
I was around 8 then.
It was the most embarrassing thing ever.
And when I looked into his eyes, I thought I caught a glimpse of the most serious man in the whole world.
He didn't even care if he had to bear the responsibility and consequences of me running away (which I didn't); he just told me to leave.
But in the end I just stayed there, rooted to the spot and he continued the lesson.
I don't even remember what I did back then to make him so furious.
Wow. I wish I could apply the same seriousness to all the distractions in my head.
To just tell them to pick up their junk and go.
And not wonder where they've been or what I might have missed out.
But I guess this is also another point of how being human feels like: When temptation and sin come hand in hand knocking at my door, I run up to greet them both with open arms.
And I leave God out of the picture.
But when I've had my fun, He always invites me into His embrace.
This is grace.

So today I treated myself to a very nice lunch and a hairdo.
I was assigned to sit in front of the counter, so I don't have a mirror because the parlour is kind of small.
So I got my hair curled and when I took a seat in front of the mirror, I looked at myself with eyes as wide as saucers and started giggling away.
And Kay laughed along too- he's the hair stylist.
I almost burst out in laughter when my hair was getting washed up and bubbled at the sink.
Kay was massaging my head and it tickled me so much that I had to hold back my grin.
Can you imagine if you're washing someone's hair at the sink and she starts smiling?
Especially someone like ME. He might have thought I fell in love with him because of the way he massaged my head! (I know I'm thinking too much but whatever, it could happen!)
So Kay said the curls are going to loosen up later and I felt better.
Maybe it isn't the hair, maybe it's me.
Auntie Eliza says if I had worn a different set of clothes, I would have felt differently about the hairdo.
But comfort is number one; I wore a black shirt and my FBTs in.
Oh well! It's nice having these simple joys in life, like laughing at the way I look in the salon.

I'm pretty satisfied with the way life has turned out to be.
Since I've stopped work at CBM, I'm going to start teaching people English.
People like Jiayun and Adel.
And I get $100 bonus if Jiayun gets an A on her next exam.
I feel good doing something meaningful and worthwhile.
It's the satisfaction that rewards me the most, besides the money I earn.

Anyway I've been struggling ever since stuff happened.
Struggling emotionally.
So that day in the bathroom I finally let my tears roll.
Told myself I wouldn't cry over a piece of all-things-unnice like him.
But I couldn't help it.
I didn't feel better immediately either.
So I just washed my face and went outside to watch TV and stuffed myself with Marks & Spencer's biscuits and gained a few grams without my knowledge.
I must buy a crate of apples.

I'm going to paint.
My heart is dying.

{ Blessed is the man who praises the Lord in times of provision, but even more blessed is he who praises Him in times of adversity }

2010-01-09T11:28:00.001+08:00

For those of us who are about to get our results, may this be of comfort to you:)

"If life is a classroom and adversity is its teacher, then we are to praise and worship in every conceivable situation. If life is a classroom and adversity is its teacher, then God wants to use us in every situation to convey lessons about His goodness and sovereignty. If life is a classroom and adversity is its teacher, then when we pray, God is invited to intervene in our circumstances."

Hebrews 11:1 says: Now FAITH is being SURE OF WHAT WE HOPE FOR and CERTAIN of WHAT WE DO NOT SEE.
Hebrews 11:30 says: By FAITH the walls of Jericho FELL, after the people had marched around them for seven days.
11:34 - "whose weakness was turned into strength"

Dear God, it doesn't matter how long I have to wait for you to work miracles in this lifetime. It doesn't matter how much I think that circumstances can obstruct Your plan- they cannot. Lord I only ask that You give me a heart of patience, to not rush Your timing and that in every season, You have a reason for the situations or even dry deserts that I venture into. Lord, You'll never stop releasing the extent of Your hand on our lives. And I pray that as You do, may it never pass me by. That Lord, as we receive our results on Monday, may they be the results of the exam in this period of time and not the results of WHAT OUR LIVES TURN OUT TO BE. Lord, I wait upon You, with expectance that I am in good hands- regardless of what happens. Give me the heart and faith that Abraham had, that when You asked him to move his whole family without telling him where they were going (Gen, 12:1-3). "God also asked Abraham to persevere- to stay in an unknown land even when the lure of past comforts may have threatened to seduce him and his family back to their comfort zone in Ur." And, "the fear of the unknown could CRIPPLE OUR CAPACITY to follow GOD'S LEADING through the days ahead." Lord, I want to be the one to say I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good, I want to be the one of the surest faith in You in the hall that day, Lord. I want to be the one who claims all Your promises in Jesus' name and that Lord, I expect good things to happen and eliminate the "what ifs" that inject doubt into people's hearts. But Lord, if ever I should be disappointed, may I hold onto You, may I NEVER GIVE UP like Uncle Peter didn't, may I hold onto Your word, the hope and the grace You have so freely given to us. Joyful, Lord, I am, to be in Your courts and embrace than thousands elsewhere. In Jesus' name, amen:)

2010-01-05T21:05:00.001+08:00

Realised how much I love Jia and Yun.

I had fun talking and laughing with them over Mango sorbet on Sunday night.

*tea*

I look like poof in that photo. Oh well.
My coussie Carrina is in Singapore! (I haven't taken photos with her yet):
So yesterday I've concluded that having her around is like undergoing therapy.

Because she understands the emotions that kill me most of the time.
She's going to be here for 6 weeks, living under the same roof as me.
She really hates her work, so I'm going to reserve Saturday entirely for her!
We're kind of alike. Just that I'm not determined and she has some God-given perseverance in most things.

And we're both nuts over food. Just that she works out and I kinda .. uh.. don't.
*gulp*

2010-01-05T12:31:00.002+08:00

JULIETTE AND THE LICKS = <3

Say cheeeeeezzzzz.
O.K.!
You know when you wanna be cool for a second?
Then something pops up and sparks off your excitement?
[ Like the XX/ Kings of Convenience/ Paramore coming to Singapore??? ]
And you start running around in circles like some dog?
I hate it when that happens to me.
Not that I run around in circles and not that I'm some dog (if I were a dog, I'd be the hottest dog in the world like a HOTdog),
But it's just that I'm sixteen and I don't see girls my age going nuts like I do.
Okay, maybe they do. (I mean come on, even Cara says if I were an animal in the African jungle, I'd be a rhino)
But the general population doesn't act the way I do.
Maybe that's why I feel normal around all my friends!
Because they're the nutty minority:)
I'm actually quite afraid of myself sometimes.
Like I'm the victim of too much globalisation aka pop culture's influence.
IS THAT TRUEEE? TELL MEEE?? I DON'T WANNA LOOK LIKE THE STEREOTYPICAL AMERICAN:(
Or is this just me? With crazy spirals and flashing lightning bolts flying across my mind every few seconds?!
I can actually imagine myself holding a beer bottle standing on the top of Orchard Ion declaring I'm Queen of the Galaxy.
*shivers*
Most of the time I wonder how I'm ever going to 'evolve' into a woman.
Even the word 'woman' sounds distant to me.
Sure, I call my friends 'woman' but to be called one = :O :O :O
Maybe you guys should call me 'woman' more often. Geez!!!
So you know what?
Since I obviously can't behave like one now, I'm not gonna let anyone kill off the kid in me.
But I guess people look past behaviour and look at the heart eh?
Ah I contradict myself so much.
Yeah yeah and everything goes on in my mind (how do I remember everything you say to me?):

Anyway.
I think I've got a weird gene in my blood.
Like some rebellious/angry cell that keeps multiplying furiously in me.
It's horrid.
Like I'm always described as dramatic or wrath at its maximum.
Sigh. Somebody save me from myself.
God where are You.
Can you just throw me your R.E.S.C.U.E. rope and give me wings so I can fly to where You are even if my grip fails me?
Sigh.

See I'm going through crap again.
I'll willingly go through Life's rock and roll and at the end of the day, I'm just going to look back and regret.
Yep. Regret. That's the word!